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From: |
John Sullivan |
|
Subject: |
www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ... |
|
Date: |
Fri, 19 Oct 2018 11:01:57 -0400 (EDT) |
CVSROOT: /web/www
Module name: www
Changes by: John Sullivan <johnsu01> 18/10/19 11:01:57
Modified files:
fun : humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html
humor.ja.html humor.ru.html humor.sq.html
humor.zh-cn.html humor.zh-tw.html
Removed files:
fun/jokes : lawyers.html lawyers.txt
Log message:
remove lawyer jokes, not germane
CVSWeb URLs:
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.de.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.57&r2=1.58
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.fr.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.47&r2=1.48
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.102&r2=1.103
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.ja.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.51&r2=1.52
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.ru.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.10&r2=1.11
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.sq.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.12&r2=1.13
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.zh-cn.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.12&r2=1.13
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/humor.zh-tw.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.9&r2=1.10
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/lawyers.html?cvsroot=www&r1=1.11&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/lawyers.txt?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
Patches:
Index: humor.de.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.de.html,v
retrieving revision 1.57
retrieving revision 1.58
diff -u -b -r1.57 -r1.58
--- humor.de.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.57
+++ humor.de.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.58
@@ -189,7 +189,6 @@
Gerichtsurteile</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html" hreflang="en">FSF auf
Deutsch</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html" hreflang="en">Gospel</a></li>
- <li><a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html"
hreflang="en">Rechtsanwalt-Witze</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html"
hreflang="en">Look-und-Feel</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html" hreflang="en">Panama</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html" hreflang="en">Zitate</a></li>
@@ -313,7 +312,7 @@
<p class="unprintable"><!-- timestamp start -->
Letzte Ãnderung:
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
Index: humor.fr.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.fr.html,v
retrieving revision 1.47
retrieving revision 1.48
diff -u -b -r1.47 -r1.48
--- humor.fr.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.47
+++ humor.fr.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.48
@@ -166,7 +166,6 @@
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips.html">Entendu au tribunal</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">FSF en allemand</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">Ãvangile</a></li>
- <li>Blagues <a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">d'avocat</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">Apparence</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Panama</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">Citations</a></li>
@@ -290,7 +289,7 @@
<p class="unprintable"><!-- timestamp start -->
Dernière mise à jour :
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
Index: humor.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.html,v
retrieving revision 1.102
retrieving revision 1.103
diff -u -b -r1.102 -r1.103
--- humor.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.102
+++ humor.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.103
@@ -168,7 +168,6 @@
Statements</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">FSF in German</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">Gospel</a></li>
- <li><a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">Lawyer</a> jokes</li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">Look and Feel</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Panama</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">Quotations</a></li>
@@ -272,7 +271,7 @@
<p class="unprintable">Updated:
<!-- timestamp start -->
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
</div>
Index: humor.ja.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.ja.html,v
retrieving revision 1.51
retrieving revision 1.52
diff -u -b -r1.51 -r1.52
--- humor.ja.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.51
+++ humor.ja.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.52
@@ -145,7 +145,6 @@
<li>ããããª<a
href="/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips.html">è£å¤æå¤æ±º</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">FSFããã¤ãèªã§</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">ã´ã¹ãã«</a></li>
- <li><a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">å¼è·å£«</a>ã¸ã§ã¼ã¯é</li>
<li><a
href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">ã«ãã¯ã¢ã³ããã£ã¼ã«</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">ããã</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">å¼ç¨</a></li>
@@ -251,7 +250,7 @@
<p class="unprintable"><!-- timestamp start -->
æçµæ´æ°:
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
Index: humor.ru.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.ru.html,v
retrieving revision 1.10
retrieving revision 1.11
diff -u -b -r1.10 -r1.11
--- humor.ru.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.10
+++ humor.ru.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.11
@@ -163,7 +163,6 @@
<li>ÐабавнÑе <a
href="/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips.html">заÑÐ²Ð»ÐµÐ½Ð¸Ñ Ð½Ð° ÑÑде</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">ФСÐÐ
по-немеÑки</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">Ðвангелие</a></li>
- <li><a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">ЮÑиÑÑÑ ÑÑÑÑÑ</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">ÐнеÑний вид</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Ðанама</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">ЦиÑаÑÑ</a></li>
@@ -285,7 +284,7 @@
<p class="unprintable"><!-- timestamp start -->
Ðбновлено:
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
Index: humor.sq.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.sq.html,v
retrieving revision 1.12
retrieving revision 1.13
diff -u -b -r1.12 -r1.13
--- humor.sq.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.12
+++ humor.sq.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.13
@@ -278,7 +278,6 @@
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">FSF në Gjermanisht</a>.
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/gnu.jive.html">GNU Jive</a>.
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">Gospel</a>.
- </li><li>Anekdota me <a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">Avokatë</a>.
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">Look and Feel</a>.
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Panama</a>.
</li><li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">Citate</a>.
@@ -356,7 +355,7 @@
<p>Përditësuar:
<!-- timestamp start -->
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $ $Author: johnsu01 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $ $Author: johnsu01 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
</div>
Index: humor.zh-cn.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.zh-cn.html,v
retrieving revision 1.12
retrieving revision 1.13
diff -u -b -r1.12 -r1.13
--- humor.zh-cn.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.12
+++ humor.zh-cn.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.13
@@ -146,7 +146,6 @@
<li>å¯ç¬ç<a href="/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips.html">æ³åºéè¿°</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">FSFçå¾·è¯ææ</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gospel.html">ç¦é³</a></li>
- <li><a href="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">å¾å¸</a>çç¬è¯</li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">å¤è§åæå</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Panama</a></li>
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">å¼ç¨</a></li>
@@ -253,7 +252,7 @@
<p class="unprintable"><!-- timestamp start -->
æåæ´æ°ï¼
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
</p>
Index: humor.zh-tw.html
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/humor.zh-tw.html,v
retrieving revision 1.9
retrieving revision 1.10
diff -u -b -r1.9 -r1.10
--- humor.zh-tw.html 19 Oct 2018 14:29:59 -0000 1.9
+++ humor.zh-tw.html 19 Oct 2018 15:01:56 -0000 1.10
@@ -213,7 +213,6 @@
<LI><a href="/fun/jokes/foreign-signs.html">¥~°êªº·«U</a> ¡C
<LI><a href="/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.html">¼w»y¤¤ªº FSF</a> ¡C
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/gnu.jive.html">GNU ªº·nÂ\¼Ö</a> ¡C
- <LI><A HREF="/fun/jokes/lawyers.html">«ß®v</a> ªº¯º¸Ü¡C
<li><a href="/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.html">¬Ý©M·Pı</a> ¡C
<LI><A href="/fun/jokes/panama.html">Panama</a> ¡C
<LI><a href="/fun/jokes/quotations.html">»y¿ý</a> ¡C
@@ -287,7 +286,7 @@
<P>
Updated:
<!-- timestamp start -->
-$Date: 2018/10/19 14:29:59 $ $Author: johnsu01 $
+$Date: 2018/10/19 15:01:56 $ $Author: johnsu01 $
<!-- timestamp end -->
<HR>
</BODY>
Index: jokes/lawyers.html
===================================================================
RCS file: jokes/lawyers.html
diff -N jokes/lawyers.html
--- jokes/lawyers.html 12 Aug 2014 05:04:08 -0000 1.11
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,771 +0,0 @@
-<!--#include virtual="/server/header.html" -->
-<!-- Parent-Version: 1.77 -->
-
-<title>Lawyers - GNU Project - Free Software Foundation</title>
-
-<!--#include virtual="/server/gnun/initial-translations-list.html" -->
-<!--#include virtual="/server/banner.html" -->
-
-<h2>Lawyers</h2>
-
-<pre>
-------
-
-I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been posted
-already, but here goes:
-
-Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
-location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
-
-The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
-to screw her!"
-
-The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of
-What?"
-
-------
-
-From the official list of usenet lawyer jokes.
-I think the owner of this list should post them again............
-
-But there are good lawyer stories. Here is a bit of Hollywood Trivia.
-
-During the making of the moview "Jaws", Steven Spielburgs first mega-hit,
-the special effects crew named the mechanical 25 foot sharks "Bruce",
-after Spielburgs lawyer. The runing joke was, "Why won't a shark eat a
-lawyer? Proffesional Courtesy".
-
-------
-
-Lemme see. What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks
-in pig shit?
-
-Not enough pig shit.
-
-------
-
-Q && A form jokes
-
-Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
-A: A good start!
-
-Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
-A: His lips are moving.
-
-Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
- in the road?
-A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-
-Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
-A: Professional courtesy.
-
-Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
-A: Not enough sand.
-
-Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
-A: Cut the rope.
-
-Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
-A1: Take your foot off his head.
-A2: No. Good!
-
-Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
-A: The bucket.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
-A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
-A: There was an empty seat.
-
-Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
-A: Stick his bill up his ass.
-
-Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
-A: An offer you can't understand
-
-Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
-A. From chasing parked ambulances.
-
-Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
-A. In the cemetary
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
-A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
-A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-
-Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
-A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
-
-Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
-A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
- defiance
-
-Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
-A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
-
-Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
-A. It might be your bicycle.
-
-Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
-A. Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
-
-------
-
-Longer jokes:
-
-A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
-The housewife replies: "Four!".
-
-The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
-figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
-
-The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
-"How much do you want it to be?"
-
------
-
-A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
-remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
-brain store. So he asks the butcher:
-"How much for Engineer brain?"
-"3 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
-"4 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for lawyer brain?"
-"100 dollars an ounce."
-"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
-"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-
------
-
-A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
-living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
-day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's
-wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
-and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
-"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced,
-"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and
-promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to
-Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The
-teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
-Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
-like that to a seven-year-old?"
-
------
-
-A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
-thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
-surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
-to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
-of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
-front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer
-said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
-
-St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
-your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
-
-----
-
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
-was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
-"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
-more of them."
-
------
-
-A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
-it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
-thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-
------
-
-"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
-had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
-since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
-that question."
-
------
-
-The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
-After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
-professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
-station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
-to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
-Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
-huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
-announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
-the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
-a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
-once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
-more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
-Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
-Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
-The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
-deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
-spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
-
-Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
-this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
-times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
-get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
-he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-
------
-
-Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
-the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
-had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a
-warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
-your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your
-honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
-went and took the car I stole."
-
------
-
-"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
-your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
-wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-
------
-
-A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
-defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
-influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
-would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
-looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
-lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
-
-The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
-judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
-it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
-jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
-waited.
-
-After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
-the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
-When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
-yet?"
-
-The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
-nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
-
-------
-
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-
-------
-
-A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
-grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
-little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
-grave?"
-
-"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
-
-"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-
------
-
-The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
-least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
-
-----
-
-These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
-the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
-better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
-some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
-cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
-guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
-us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
-balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
-man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
-"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
-
-That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-
-------
-
-For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
-this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
-innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
-his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
-lover with an infant on her lap!
-
-"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
-cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
-the baby would have my name!"
-
-"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
-all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
-bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-
------
-
-God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
-and for all.
-
-When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
-going to find a lawyer?"
-
------
-
-Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
-walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
-mythological creatures.
-
-------
-
-A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
-his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
-it.
-
-"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
-
-"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
-it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
-could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
-
-"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
-"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
-exclaim, "That's Strange!
-
------
-
-The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
-going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
-Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
-the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
-
-1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
- This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
- conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
-
-2) Lawyers breed faster.
-
-3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
- won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
-
-4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
- hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.
-
------
-
-A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
-to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
-lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
-line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
-backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a
-Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
-freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the
-country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one
-morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
-berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
-gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
-two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
-bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
-and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
-back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the
-local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back
-to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
-there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
-visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
-had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
-batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
-"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
-"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
-you that the Czech was in the Male?"
-
------
-
-It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
-emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
-came over to see him.
-
-"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
-court when you accused me of malpractice."
-
-"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
-it be?"
-
-"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
-
-"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
-know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
-
-"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
-
-"What are you talking about?"
-
-"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
-everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
-
-"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
-
-"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
-out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
-
-"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
-
-"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
-were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
-treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
-Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
-headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
-Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
-
-"Why are you reading that to me?"
-
-"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
-diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
-
-"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
-
-"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
-I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
-
-"Then get me another doctor."
-
-"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
-malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the
-only place that I can practice."
-
-"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
-your case to a higher court."
-
-"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
-kidney stone."
-
-"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
-him."
-
-"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
-addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
-stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
-Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to
-be in a lot of pain.
-
-"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
-Demerol?"
-
-"I better check you out first."
-
-"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
-
-"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
-patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
-Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
-
-"What for?"
-
-"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
-lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
-
-"I'm not going to sue you."
-
-"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
-pass the kidney stone ?".
-
--------
-
-A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
-
-The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
-into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the
-world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
-produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
-away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
-thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
-
-The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
-to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
-Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
-have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
-he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
-quite impressed.
-
-At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
-the Lawyer through it...
-
-----
-
-A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
-steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
-running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
-to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
-"Absolutely."
-
-"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
-today."
-
-The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
-[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
-brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
-
-Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
-be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
-the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
-
-----
-
-A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
-when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
-farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had
-only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
-animals. The three quickly agreed.
-
-The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
-beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
-door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
-pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
-pig!"
-
-The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
-with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
-bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
-room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
-
-The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
-no problem sleeping with animals.
-
-In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
-entered...
-
------
-
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-
-A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
-
-A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
-
-A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
- looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-
-A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
- party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
- forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
- of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
- lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
- from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
- area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
- of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
- party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
- aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
- removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
- following steps:
-
- 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
- elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
- any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
- a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
-
- 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
- Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
- ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
- option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
- manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
- statutes.
-
- 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
- first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
- of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
- installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
- the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
- being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
- direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
-
- NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
- the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
- authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
- revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
-
-------
-
-If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
-one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
-
-------
-
-BMW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
-island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
-
-------
-
-The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
-sins:
-
-1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
- were guilty.
-
-2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
-
-3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
-
-4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
- controversial case.
-
-And the list goes on for quite awhile.
-
-The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
-things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
-Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
-panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
-correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St.
-Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
-tell him to go to hell."
-
-------
-
-When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
-means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
-feet.
-
-------
-
-It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
-pockets.
-
-------
-
-A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
-you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
-the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
-
-------
-
-I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
-pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
-Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
-
-------
-
- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
-**********************************************************************
-
- 1300.01 GENERAL
-
- 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
- harvest attorneys.
-
- 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
- use of currency as bait is prohibited.
-
- 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
- accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
- nearest car wash.
-
- 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
- machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
-
- 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
- Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
-
- 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
- dealerships.
-
- 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
- prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
-
- 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
- courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
- ambulances, or hospitals.
-
- 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
- felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
-
- 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
- inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
-
- 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
- reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
- victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
- attorneys.
-
- BAG LIMITS
-
- 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
- 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
- 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
- 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
- 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
- 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
- 7. Cut-throat 2
- 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
- 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
- 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
- 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
-
-Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, "The Ultimate
-Lawyers Joke Book" Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
-
------
-
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-|"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. |
-| Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx|
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-</pre>
-
-<p>
-<a href="/fun/humor.html">Other humor</a>
-in the GNU Humor Collection.</p>
-
-<div class="infobox">
-<h4 id="Disclaimer">Disclaimer</h4><p>The joke on this page was
-obtained from the FSF's <a href="http://lists.gnu.org/";>email
-archives</a> of the GNU Project.</p>
-<p>The Free Software Foundation claims no copyright on this joke.</p>
-</div>
-
-</div><!-- for id="content", starts in the include above -->
-<!--#include virtual="/server/footer.html" -->
-<div id="footer">
-<div class="unprintable">
-
-<p>Please send general FSF & GNU inquiries to
-<a href="mailto:address@hidden";><address@hidden></a>.
-There are also <a href="/contact/">other ways to contact</a>
-the FSF. Broken links and other corrections or suggestions can be sent
-to <a href="mailto:address@hidden";><address@hidden></a>.</p>
-
-<p><!-- TRANSLATORS: Ignore the original text in this paragraph,
- replace it with the translation of these two:
-
- We work hard and do our best to provide accurate, good quality
- translations. However, we are not exempt from imperfection.
- Please send your comments and general suggestions in this regard
- to <a href="mailto:address@hidden";>
- <address@hidden></a>.</p>
-
- <p>For information on coordinating and submitting translations of
- our web pages, see <a
- href="/server/standards/README.translations.html">Translations
- README</a>. -->
-Please see the <a
-href="/server/standards/README.translations.html">Translations
-README</a> for information on coordinating and submitting translations
-of this article.</p>
-</div>
-
-<!--#include virtual="/server/bottom-notes.html" -->
-
-<p class="unprintable">Updated:
-<!-- timestamp start -->
-$Date: 2014/08/12 05:04:08 $
-<!-- timestamp end -->
-</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-</body>
-</html>
Index: jokes/lawyers.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: jokes/lawyers.txt
diff -N jokes/lawyers.txt
--- jokes/lawyers.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:01 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,636 +0,0 @@
-------
-I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been posted
-already, but here goes:
-
-Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
-location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
-
-The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
-to screw her!"
-
-The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of
-What?"
-------
->From the official list of usenet lawyer jokes.
-I think the owner of this list should post them again............
-
-But there are good lawyer stories. Here is a bit of Hollywood Trivia.
-
-During the making of the moview "Jaws", Steven Spielburgs first mega-hit,
-the special effects crew named the mechanical 25 foot sharks "Bruce",
-after Spielburgs lawyer. The runing joke was, "Why won't a shark eat a
-lawyer? Proffesional Courtesy".
-------
-Lemme see. What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks
-in pig shit?
-
-Not enough pig shit.
-------
-
-Q & A form jokes
-
-Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
-A: A good start!
-
-Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
-A: His lips are moving.
-
-Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
- in the road?
-A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-
-Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
-A: Professional courtesy.
-
-Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
-A: Not enough sand.
-
-Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
-A: Cut the rope.
-
-Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
-A1: Take your foot off his head.
-A2: No. Good!
-
-Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
-A: The bucket.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
-A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
-A: There was an empty seat.
-
-Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
-A: Stick his bill up his ass.
-
-Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
-A: An offer you can't understand
-
-Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
-A. From chasing parked ambulances.
-
-Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
-A. In the cemetary
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
-A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
-A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-
-Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
-A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
-
-Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
-A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
- defiance
-
-Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
-A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
-
-Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
-A. It might be your bicycle.
-
-Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
-A. Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
-------
-
-Longer jokes:
-
-A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
-The housewife replies: "Four!".
-
-The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
-figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
-
-The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
-"How much do you want it to be?"
------
-A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
-remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
-brain store. So he asks the butcher:
-"How much for Engineer brain?"
-"3 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
-"4 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for lawyer brain?"
-"100 dollars an ounce."
-"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
-"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
------
-A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
-living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
-day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's
-wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
-and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
-"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced,
-"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and
-promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to
-Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The
-teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
-Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
-like that to a seven-year-old?"
------
-A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
-thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
-surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
-to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
-of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
-front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer
-said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
-
-St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
-your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
-----
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
-was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
-"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
-more of them."
------
-A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
-it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
-thief go first, and the executioner follow."
------
-"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
-had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
-since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
-that question."
------
-The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
-After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
-professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
-station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
-to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
-Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
-huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
-announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
-the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
-a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
-once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
-more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
-Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
-Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
-The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
-deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
-spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
-
-Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
-this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
-times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
-get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
-he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
------
-Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
-the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
-had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a
-warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
-your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your
-honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
-went and took the car I stole."
------
-"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
-your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
-wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
------
-A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
-defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
-influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
-would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
-looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
-lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
-
-The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
-judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
-it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
-jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
-waited.
-
-After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
-the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
-When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
-yet?"
-
-The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
-nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
-------
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-------
-A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
-grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
-little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
-grave?"
-
-"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
-
-"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
------
-The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
-least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
-----
-These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
-the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
-better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
-some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
-cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
-guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
-us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
-balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
-man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
-"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
-
-That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-------
-For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
-this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
-innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
-his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
-lover with an infant on her lap!
-
-"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
-cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
-the baby would have my name!"
-
-"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
-all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
-bastard in the family than a lawyer."
------
-God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
-and for all.
-
-When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
-going to find a lawyer?"
------
-Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
-walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
-mythological creatures.
-------
-A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
-his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
-it.
-
-"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
-
-"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
-it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
-could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
-
-"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
-"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
-exclaim, "That's Strange!"
------
-The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
-going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
-Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
-the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
-
-1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
- This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
- conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
-
-2) Lawyers breed faster.
-
-3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
- won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
-
-4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
- hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.
------
-A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
-to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
-lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
-line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
-backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a
-Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
-freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the
-country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one
-morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
-berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
-gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
-two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
-bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
-and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
-back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the
-local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back
-to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
-there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
-visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
-had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
-batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
-"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
-"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
-you that the Czech was in the Male?"
------
-It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
-emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
-came over to see him.
-
-"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
-court when you accused me of malpractice."
-
-"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
-it be?"
-
-"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
-
-"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
-know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
-
-"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
-
-"What are you talking about?"
-
-"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
-everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
-
-"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
-
-"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
-out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
-
-"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
-
-"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
-were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
-treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
-Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
-headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
-Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
-
-"Why are you reading that to me?"
-
-"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
-diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
-
-"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
-
-"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
-I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
-
-"Then get me another doctor."
-
-"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
-malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the
-only place that I can practice."
-
-"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
-your case to a higher court."
-
-"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
-kidney stone."
-
-"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
-him."
-
-"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
-addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
-stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
-Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to
-be in a lot of pain.' "
-
-"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
-Demerol?"
-
-"I better check you out first."
-
-"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
-
-"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
-patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
-Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
-
-"What for?"
-
-"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
-lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
-
-"I'm not going to sue you."
-
-"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
-pass the kidney stone?"
--------
-A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
-
-The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
-into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the
-world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
-produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
-away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
-thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
-
-The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
-to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
-Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
-have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
-he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
-quite impressed.
-
-At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
-the Lawyer through it...
-----
-A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
-steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
-running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
-to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
-"Absolutely."
-
-"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
-today."
-
-The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
-[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
-brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
-
-Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
-be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
-the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
-----
-A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
-when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
-farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had
-only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
-animals. The three quickly agreed.
-
-The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
-beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
-door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
-pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
-pig!"
-
-The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
-with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
-bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
-room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
-
-The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
-no problem sleeping with animals.
-
-In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
-entered...
------
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-
-A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
-
-A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
-
-A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
- looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-
-A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
- party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
- forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
- of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
- lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
- from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
- area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
- of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
- party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
- aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
- removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
- following steps:
-
- 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
- elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
- any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
- a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
-
- 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
- Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
- ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
- option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
- manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
- statutes.
-
- 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
- first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
- of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
- installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
- the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
- being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
- direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
-
- NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
- the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
- authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
- revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
-
-------
-If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
-one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
-------
-BMW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
-island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
-------
-The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
-sins:
-
-1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
- were guilty.
-
-2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
-
-3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
-
-4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
- controversial case.
-
-And the list goes on for quite awhile.
-
-The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
-things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
-Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
-panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
-correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St.
-Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
-tell him to go to hell."
-------
-When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
-means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
-feet.
-------
-It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
-pockets.
-------
-A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
-you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
-the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
-------
-I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
-pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
-Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
-------
-
- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
-**********************************************************************
-
- 1300.01 GENERAL
-
- 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
- harvest attorneys.
-
- 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
- use of currency as bait is prohibited.
-
- 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
- accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
- nearest car wash.
-
- 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
- machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
-
- 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
- Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
-
- 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
- dealerships.
-
- 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
- prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
-
- 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
- courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
- ambulances, or hospitals.
-
- 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
- felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
-
- 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
- inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
-
- 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
- reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
- victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
- attorneys.
-
- BAG LIMITS
-
- 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
- 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
- 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
- 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
- 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
- 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
- 7. Cut-throat 2
- 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
- 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
- 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
- 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
-
-Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, "The Ultimate
-Lawyers Joke Book" Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
------
-
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-|"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. |
-| Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx|
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-
-
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/10
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/11
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/12
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/15
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/19
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ...,
John Sullivan <=
- www/fun humor.de.html humor.fr.html humor.html ..., John Sullivan, 2018/10/26