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lynx-dev Re: Hardly Har Har! (fwd)
From: |
Laura Eaves |
Subject: |
lynx-dev Re: Hardly Har Har! (fwd) |
Date: |
Wed, 7 Oct 1998 14:15:33 -0400 (EDT) |
More M$ jokes...
> Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1998 23:13:20 -0700 (PDT)
>...
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1998 21:49:43 -0700 (PDT)
> From: Robert S. Ringwald <address@hidden>
> To: Undisclosed recipients: ;
> Subject: Hardly Har Har!
>
> ********************** From: address@hidden **********************
>
> Another Microsoft monopolistic practice
>
> REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but
> necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and
> exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented
> the numbers one and zero Monday.
>
> With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing
> or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical
> building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a
> royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
>
> "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes
> ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years,
> in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we
> permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric
> systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the
> increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave
> us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our
> numerals."
>
> A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple
> Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will
> challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-
> competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would
> bankrupt them instantly.
>
> "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
> create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at
> its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun
> Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the
> Java programming environment used in many Internet applications.
> "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
> approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."
>
> "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but
> to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I
> have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain
> competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off
> vinyl LPs."
>
> As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have
> begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer
> Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus
> for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and
> networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is
> working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-
> transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a
> revolutionary new steam-powered printer.
>
> Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground,
> maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of
> Microsoft.
>
> "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they
> are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical
> archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly
> showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also
> own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he
> explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by
> Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr,
> or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg,
> Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul
> Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft
> will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone
> else that we own the rights to these numbers."
>
> Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest
> man in the world."
>
> According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting
> of one and zero have yet to be realized.
>
> "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and
> zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all
> mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry,
> pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of
> motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence,"
> Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund
> Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
>
> Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which
> Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and
> transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to
> file liens on infinity and pi this week.
>
> Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
> individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted
> motions as walking, stretching and smiling.
>
> In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe
> Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest
> move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.
>
> "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and
> zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make
> the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's
> richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one.
> And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the
> zeroes."
>
> ************************************************************************
>
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>
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>
> and beg a lot...