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www/fun/jokes .symlinks anagrams.txt bug.war.tx...
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From: |
Pavel Kharitonov |
|
Subject: |
www/fun/jokes .symlinks anagrams.txt bug.war.tx... |
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Date: |
Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:25:22 +0000 |
CVSROOT: /web/www
Module name: www
Changes by: Pavel Kharitonov <ineiev> 11/12/23 05:25:21
Modified files:
fun/jokes : .symlinks
Added files:
fun/jokes : anagrams.txt bug.war.txt c+-.txt
clinton.tree.txt courtroom.quips.txt
declarations.txt dna.txt doctor.manifesto.txt
echo.msg.txt ed.msg.txt ed.txt errno.2.txt
error-haiku.txt foreign-signs.txt
fsf-in-german.txt gnu.jive.txt
gullibility.virus.txt happy-new-year.cfbC.txt
know.your.sysadmin.txt last.bug.txt lawyers.txt
long-options.txt look-and-feel.txt
luser-vs-rms.txt microsoft-church.txt
midnight.dreary.txt more-shit.txt
musical-pickup.txt networkologist.txt
p5.delay.txt paging.game.txt panama.txt
pasta.code.txt phone.features.txt physics.txt
power.users.txt purchase.agreement.txt
quayle.txt quotations.txt rectium.txt
religions.txt science.facts.txt
shit-happens.txt smileys.txt software.terms.txt
spilling-checker.txt unix-hoax.txt
unix.errors.txt unreliable.net.txt
vaxorcist.txt vi.song.txt virus-warning.txt
welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt wolf-logo.txt
Removed files:
fun/jokes : anagrams bug.war c+- clinton.tree
courtroom.quips declarations dna
doctor.manifesto echo.msg ed ed.msg errno.2
error-haiku foreign-signs fsf-in-german
gnu.jive gullibility.virus happy-new-year.cfbC
know.your.sysadmin last.bug lawyers
long-options look-and-feel luser-vs-rms
microsoft-church midnight.dreary more-shit
musical-pickup networkologist p5.delay
paging.game panama pasta.code phone.features
physics power.users purchase.agreement quayle
quotations rectium religions science.facts
shit-happens smileys software.terms
spilling-checker unix-hoax unix.errors
unreliable.net vaxorcist vi.song virus-warning
welcome-to-gnu-emacs wolf-logo
Log message:
Make text files work with Multiviews.
Rename text files without extention to *.txt;
Add .symlinks to make historical URLs work.
CVSWeb URLs:
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/.symlinks?cvsroot=www&r1=1.4&r2=1.5
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/anagrams.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/bug.war.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/c%43-.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/clinton.tree.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/declarations.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/dna.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/doctor.manifesto.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/echo.msg.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/ed.msg.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/ed.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/errno.2.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/error-haiku.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/foreign-signs.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/gnu.jive.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/gullibility.virus.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/happy-new-year.cfbC.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/know.your.sysadmin.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/last.bug.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/lawyers.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/long-options.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/look-and-feel.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/luser-vs-rms.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/microsoft-church.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/midnight.dreary.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/more-shit.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/musical-pickup.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/networkologist.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/p5.delay.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/paging.game.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/panama.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/pasta.code.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/phone.features.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/physics.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/power.users.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/purchase.agreement.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/quayle.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/quotations.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/rectium.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/religions.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/science.facts.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/shit-happens.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/smileys.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/software.terms.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/spilling-checker.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unix-hoax.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unix.errors.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unreliable.net.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/vaxorcist.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/vi.song.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/virus-warning.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/wolf-logo.txt?cvsroot=www&rev=1.1
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/anagrams?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/bug.war?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/c%43-?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/clinton.tree?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/courtroom.quips?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/declarations?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/dna?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/doctor.manifesto?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/echo.msg?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/ed?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/ed.msg?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/errno.2?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/error-haiku?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/foreign-signs?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/fsf-in-german?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/gnu.jive?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/gullibility.virus?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/happy-new-year.cfbC?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/know.your.sysadmin?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/last.bug?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/lawyers?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/long-options?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/look-and-feel?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/luser-vs-rms?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/microsoft-church?cvsroot=www&r1=1.2&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/midnight.dreary?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/more-shit?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/musical-pickup?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/networkologist?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/p5.delay?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/paging.game?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/panama?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/pasta.code?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/phone.features?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/physics?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/power.users?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/purchase.agreement?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/quayle?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/quotations?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/rectium?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/religions?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/science.facts?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/shit-happens?cvsroot=www&r1=1.2&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/smileys?cvsroot=www&r1=1.2&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/software.terms?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/spilling-checker?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unix-hoax?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unix.errors?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/unreliable.net?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/vaxorcist?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/vi.song?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/virus-warning?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/welcome-to-gnu-emacs?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
http://web.cvs.savannah.gnu.org/viewcvs/www/fun/jokes/wolf-logo?cvsroot=www&r1=1.1&r2=0
Patches:
Index: .symlinks
===================================================================
RCS file: /web/www/www/fun/jokes/.symlinks,v
retrieving revision 1.4
retrieving revision 1.5
diff -u -b -r1.4 -r1.5
--- .symlinks 29 Apr 2011 11:29:43 -0000 1.4
+++ .symlinks 23 Dec 2011 05:23:54 -0000 1.5
@@ -1,3 +1,60 @@
# The next symlink resulted in an error
# since included files were not expanded in .xhtml files:
#merry-xmas.xhtml merry-xmas.html
+#
+# Redirect historical URLs to .txt files since
+# the former break our Multiviews stuff
+shit-happens.txt shit-happens
+error-haiku.txt error-haiku
+luser-vs-rms.txt luser-vs-rms
+declarations.txt declarations
+fsf-in-german.txt fsf-in-german
+ed.txt ed
+software.terms.txt software.terms
+p5.delay.txt p5.delay
+echo.msg.txt echo.msg
+vi.song.txt vi.song
+know.your.sysadmin.txt know.your.sysadmin
+spilling-checker.txt spilling-checker
+happy-new-year.cfbC.txt happy-new-year.cfbC
+bug.war.txt bug.war
+pasta.code.txt pasta.code
+science.facts.txt science.facts
+welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt welcome-to-gnu-emacs
+paging.game.txt paging.game
+quotations.txt quotations
+c+-.txt c+-
+more-shit.txt more-shit
+panama.txt panama
+courtroom.quips.txt courtroom.quips
+musical-pickup.txt musical-pickup
+vaxorcist.txt vaxorcist
+wolf-logo.txt wolf-logo
+gullibility.virus.txt gullibility.virus
+gnu.jive.txt gnu.jive
+networkologist.txt networkologist
+foreign-signs.txt foreign-signs
+unreliable.net.txt unreliable.net
+power.users.txt power.users
+doctor.manifesto.txt doctor.manifesto
+anagrams.txt anagrams
+clinton.tree.txt clinton.tree
+physics.txt physics
+rectium.txt rectium
+midnight.dreary.txt midnight.dreary
+dna.txt dna
+microsoft-church.txt microsoft-church
+last.bug.txt last.bug
+unix-hoax.txt unix-hoax
+religions.txt religions
+unix.errors.txt unix.errors
+purchase.agreement.txt purchase.agreement
+look-and-feel.txt look-and-feel
+long-options.txt long-options
+ed.msg.txt ed.msg
+phone.features.txt phone.features
+smileys.txt smileys
+virus-warning.txt virus-warning
+quayle.txt quayle
+errno.2.txt errno.2
+lawyers.txt lawyers
Index: anagrams.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: anagrams.txt
diff -N anagrams.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ anagrams.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:54 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,58 @@
+An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
+rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
+exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
+waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
+
+Dormitory Dirty Room
+
+Evangelist Evil's Agent
+
+Desperation A Rope Ends It
+
+The Morse Code Here Come Dots
+
+Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
+
+Animosity Is No Amity
+
+Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
+
+Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
+
+Alec Guinness Genuine Class
+
+Semolina Is No Meal
+
+The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
+
+A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
+
+The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
+
+Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
+
+Contradiction Accord not in it
+
+This one's truly amazing:
+"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the
+mind
+to
+suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
+And the Anagram:
+"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
+Hamlet,
+queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
+
+And for the grand finale:
+"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil
+Armstrong
+The Anagram:
+"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
+On to Mars!"
+
+Nope, one more!
+The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment
+trial:
+PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
+The Anagram:
+TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Index: bug.war.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: bug.war.txt
diff -N bug.war.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ bug.war.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:55 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,23 @@
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Date: Fri, 13 Apr 90 10:48:52 EDT
+From: address@hidden (Geoffrey Knauth)
+To: address@hidden
+Cc: address@hidden
+Subject: DDJ 2/90 Swaine article
+
+>From Doctor Dobb's Journal, 2/90, p. 158,"The War on Bugs" (humor)
+
+ I wish I could tell you that we're going to be able to eliminate all
+bug use in America, but that would be insincere. We will spare no
+expense to wipe out computer viruses, which are responsible for fully
+one-hundredth of one percent of lost producticity due to bugs. And you
+can rest assured that we will lean heavily on the cheapo shareware and
+freeware channels. I have the notorious Richard Stallman under FBI
+surveillance right now. But there will be a few common bugs that will
+not come under the jurisdiction of the BEA. We have no intention of
+harrassing Microsoft, Ashton-Tate, Lotus, or any other producer of the
+fine software that has made this nation what it is today. After all,
+the occasional system crash is not really a bug. We will, however,
+continute to restrict use of their products on commercial air flights.
+ --Michael Swaine, editor-at-large
+
Index: c+-.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: c+-.txt
diff -N c+-.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ c+-.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:55 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,73 @@
+Date: Tue, 16 Apr 91 13:16:47 EDT
+From: address@hidden
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: C more-or-less
+
+[from rec.funny: C more-or-less]
+
+ C+-: (pronounced "C more or less")
+
+Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
+known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared
+preferences, which are impervious preferences, which are impervious to
+outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The
+following C operators are overridden as shown:
+
+> better than
+< worse than
+>> much better than
+<< forget it
+! not on your life
+== comparable, other things being equal.
+
+C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous
+logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less
+realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are
+fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be
+declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to
+"preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to
+ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods
+(WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not
+interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
+
+C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor
+sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be
+killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive,
+volatile, and non-Abelian.
+
+Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random
+mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate protocol.
+In addition to base, derrived, virtual, and abstract classes, C+- supports
+gut classes. In certian locales, polygamous derivations and bastard
+classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes is
+illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
+
+marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
+// child classes can now be derrived
+sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1
+{ // define MySclass
+}
+
+sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
+// illegitimate
+
+divorce (MParent1, FParent1);
+
+marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
+sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
+{ // OK now
+}
+
+Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim,
+known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly
+resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."
+
+[from the april '91 issue of AIExpert ]
+
+
+
+--
+Maurice Suhre
address@hidden
+
+
Index: clinton.tree.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: clinton.tree.txt
diff -N clinton.tree.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ clinton.tree.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:56 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+I'M GLAD I AM AMERICAN
+I'M GLAD THAT I AM "FREE"
+BUT, I WISH I WAS A GREAT BIG DOG
+AND BILL CLINTON WAS A TREE!
Index: courtroom.quips.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: courtroom.quips.txt
diff -N courtroom.quips.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ courtroom.quips.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:56 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
+BABYL OPTIONS:
+Version: 5
+Labels:
+Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
+Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
+Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
+
+1,,
+Received: from life.ai.mit.edu by albert.gnu.ai.mit.edu (5.65/4.0) with SMTP
+ id <address@hidden>; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:43 -0400
+Received: from ghoti.LCS.MIT.EDU by life.ai.mit.edu (4.1/AI-4.10) id AA09961;
Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:51 EDT
+Received: from ATHENA.MIT.EDU by ghoti.LCS.MIT.EDU via TCP with SMTP
+ id AA13391; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:30 EDT
+Received: from E40-008-8.MIT.EDU by ATHENA.MIT.EDU with SMTP
+ id AA11117; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:41 EDT
+From: address@hidden
+Received: by e40-008-8.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04398; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20
-0400
+Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20 -0400
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: Courtroom Quips
+
+*** EOOH ***
+From: address@hidden
+Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20 -0400
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: Courtroom Quips
+
+
+The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review
+under the category of lawyers. This was one of Richard Lederer's
+columns on Looking at Language. Original date unknown.
+
+>From Mary Louise Gilman's two volumes, here are some great court
+quotes, all from official transquips, all recorded by America's
+keepers of the word:
+
+Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
+A. Borofkin.
+Q. What's his first name?
+A. I can't remember.
+Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
+ remember his first name?
+A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the
+ witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan,
+ for God's sake, tell them your first name!
+
+Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
+A. I refuse to answer that question.
+Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
+A. I refuse to answer that question.
+Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
+A. No.
+
+Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
+A. By death.
+Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
+
+Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
+A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
+
+Q. What is your name?
+A. Ernestine McDowell.
+Q. And what is your marital status?
+A. Fair.
+
+Q. Are you married?
+A. No, I'm divorced.
+Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
+A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
+
+Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
+A. My ex-widow said it.
+
+Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
+A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
+ children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
+
+Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
+A. I will be three months November 8th.
+Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
+A. Yes.
+Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
+
+Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
+A. I should be.
+Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
+A. Four times.
+
+Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
+A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
+
+Q. Were you aquainted with the decedent?
+A. Yes, sir.
+Q. Before or after he died?
+
+Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
+ influence?
+A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
+
+Q. What happened then?
+A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
+ me."
+Q. Did he kill you?
+A. No.
+
+Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
+ deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
+A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
+
+Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
+A. No.
+Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
+A. Picking them up in the air.
+Q. Where was the dog at this time?
+A. Attached to the ears.
+
+Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
+ able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
+ to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
+ with him to the station?
+MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
+
+[Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:]
+
+Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
+ school do you go to?
+A. Oral.
+Q. How old are you?
+A. Oral.
+
+
+
+
\ No newline at end of file
Index: declarations.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: declarations.txt
diff -N declarations.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ declarations.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:56 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,18 @@
+auto accident;
+register voters;
+static electricity;
+struct by_lightning;
+void *where_prohibited;
+char broiled;
+short circuit;
+short changed;
+long johns;
+unsigned long letter;
+double entendre;
+double trouble;
+union organizer;
+float valve;
+short pants;
+union station;
+void check; unsigned check;
+struct dumb by[sizeof member];
Index: dna.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: dna.txt
diff -N dna.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ dna.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:56 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,116 @@
+From: address@hidden (Dale - Colo Spgs ESDP 523-2202 29-May-1991 0747)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: A little C programming...
+Keywords: computer, smirk
+Date: 4 Aug 91 23:30:05 GMT
+
+For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
+little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
+
+I have solved the mystery.
+
+The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
+rest of it is comments.
+
+Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
+follows:
+
+===
+/* HUMAN_DNA.H
+ *
+ * Human Genome
+ * Version 2.1
+ *
+ * (C) God
+ */
+
+/* Revision history:
+ *
+ * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
+ * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
+ * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
+ * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
+ * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
+ * elephant-dna.c
+ * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
+ * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
+ * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
+ * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
+ * darker to match my own image.
+ * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
+ * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
+ * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
+ * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
+ * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
+ * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
+ * CD.
+ */
+
+/* Standard definitions
+ */
+
+#define SEX male
+#define HEIGHT 1.84
+#define MASS 68
+#define RACE caucasian
+
+/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
+ *
+ * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
+ * inheritance features.
+ */
+
+#include "mother.h"
+#include "father.h"
+
+#infndef FATHER
+#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
+#include "bastard.h"
+#endif
+
+/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
+ */
+#include <sex.h>
+
+/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
+ * library sometime soon.
+ */
+struct genitals
+ {
+#ifdef MALE
+ Penis *jt;
+#endif
+ /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
+#ifdef FEMALE
+ Vagina *p;
+#endif
+ }
+
+/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
+ * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
+ */
+DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
+
+/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
+ *
+ * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
+ * to display at birth.
+ *
+ * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
+ */
+Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
+===
+
+...and so on.
+
+
+[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
+
+
+--
+Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
+
+Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
+joke about XXX?" Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
+a joke server I would spend all day doing it. I reject all such requests.
Index: doctor.manifesto.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: doctor.manifesto.txt
diff -N doctor.manifesto.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ doctor.manifesto.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:57 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,18 @@
+
+P.S.: A bored acquaintance of mine ran The GNU Manifesto through
+ doctor. Highlights:
+
+> You have your mind on unixs, it seems.
+
+> What makes you believe a shell command interpreter is nearly
+> completed?
+
+> Do you really think you might want to supply eventually
+> everything?
+
+> Tell me about your mit.
+
+> When did you first know that you must write gnu?
+
+> Are you sure gnu will be compatible with unix?
+
Index: echo.msg.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: echo.msg.txt
diff -N echo.msg.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ echo.msg.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:57 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,250 @@
+.TH ECHO 1 "18 January 1983"
+.SH NAME
+echo \- echo arguments
+.SH SYNOPSIS
+.B echo
+[
+.B \-n
+]
+[ arg ] ...
+.SH DESCRIPTION
+.I Echo
+writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated by
+a newline on the standard output. If the flag
+.B \-n
+is used, no newline is added to the output.
+.PP
+.I Echo
+is useful for producing diagnostics in
+shell programs and for writing constant data on pipes.
+To send diagnostics to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'.
+From address@hidden Mon Nov 11 16:26:24 1985
+Date: Mon, 11 Nov 85 14:55:37 est
+From: address@hidden
+To: watchmakers, address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: [simsong: GNU Echo, Release 1]
+
+Date: 10 Nov 1985 10:28:22-EST
+From: address@hidden@MIT-CCC
+Date: Sun, 10 Nov 85 10:29:24 est
+From: Simson Garfinkel <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+
+Relay-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site mit-amt.MIT.EDU
+Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.1 $; site umn-cs.UUCP
+Path:
mit-amt!mit-eddie!think!harvard!seismo!gatech!akgua!whuxlm!whuxl!houxm!ihnp4!stolaf!umn-cs!herndon
+From: address@hidden
+Newsgroups: net.sources
+Subject: GNU Echo, Release 1
+Message-ID: <address@hidden>
+Date: 28 Oct 85 18:23:00 GMT
+Date-Received: 10 Nov 85 05:29:10 GMT
+Lines: 203
+Nf-ID: #N:umn-cs:1600001:000:3177
+Nf-From: umn-cs!herndon Oct 28 12:23:00 1985
+
+
+/* Written 12:22 pm Oct 28, 1985 by umn-cs!herndon in umn-cs:net.jokes */
+/* ---------- "GNU Echo, Release 1" ---------- */
+
+
+
+
+GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
+
+
+
+NAME
+ echo - echo arguments
+
+SYNOPSIS
+ echo [ options ] ...
+
+DESCRIPTION
+ _E_c_h_o writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated
+ by a newline on the standard output. Options to filter and
+ redirect the output are as follows:
+
+ -2 generate rhyming couplets from keywords
+
+ -3 generate Haiku verse from keywords
+
+ -5 generate limerick from keywords
+
+ -a convert ASCII to ASCII
+
+ -A disambiguate sentence structure
+
+ -b generate bureaucratese equivalent (see -x)
+
+ -B issue equivalent C code with bugs fixed
+
+ -c simplify/calculate arithmetic expression(s)
+
+ -C remove copyright notice(s)
+
+ -d define new echo switch map
+
+ -D delete all ownership information from system files
+
+ -e evaluate lisp expression(s)
+
+ -E convert ASCII to Navajo
+
+ -f read input from file
+
+ -F transliterate to french
+
+ -g generate pseudo-revolutionary marxist catch-phrases
+
+ -G prepend GNU manifesto
+
+ -h halt system (reboot suppressed on Suns, Apollos, and
+ VAXen, not supported on NOS-2)
+
+ -i emulate IBM OS/VU (recursive universes not supported)
+
+ -I emulate IBM VTOS 3.7.6 (chronosynclastic infundibulae
+ supported with restrictions documented in IBM VTOS
+
+
+
+Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 1
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
+
+
+
+ Reference Manual rev 3.2.6)
+
+ -J generate junk mail
+
+ -j justify text (see -b option)
+
+ -k output "echo" software tools
+
+ -K delete privileged accounts
+
+ -l generate legalese equivalent
+
+ -L load echo modules
+
+ -M generate mail
+
+ -N send output to all reachable networks (usable with -J,
+ -K, -h options)
+
+ -n do not add newline to the output
+
+ -o generate obscene text
+
+ -O clean up dirty language
+
+ -p decrypt and print /etc/passwd
+
+ -P port echo to all reachable networks
+
+ -P1 oolcay itay
+
+ -q query standard input for arguments
+
+ -r read alternate ".echo" file on start up
+
+ -R change root password to "RMS"
+
+ -s suspend operating system during output (Sun and VAX BSD
+ 4.2 only)
+
+ -S translate to swahili
+
+ -T emulate TCP/IP handler
+
+ -t issue troff output
+
+ -u issue unix philosophy essay
+
+ -v generate reverberating echo
+
+ -V print debugging information
+
+
+
+
+Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 2
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
+
+
+
+ -x decrypt DES format messages (NSA secret algorithm CX
+ 3.8, not distributed outside continental US)
+
+ _E_c_h_o is useful for producing diagnostics in shell programs
+ and for writing constant data on pipes. To send diagnostics
+ to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'.
+
+AUTHOR
+ Richard M. Stallman
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 3
+
+
+
+/* End of text from umn-cs:net.jokes */
+
+
Index: ed.msg.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: ed.msg.txt
diff -N ed.msg.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ ed.msg.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:57 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,101 @@
+From: address@hidden (Patrick J. LoPresti)
+Subject: The True Path (long)
+Date: 11 Jul 91 03:17:31 GMT
+Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack
+
+When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi
+*and* Emacs are just too damn slow. They print useless messages like,
+'C-h for help' and '"foo" File is read only'. So I use the editor
+that doesn't waste my VALUABLE time.
+
+Ed, man! !man ed
+
+ED(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual ED(1)
+
+NAME
+ ed - text editor
+
+SYNOPSIS
+ ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
+DESCRIPTION
+ Ed is the standard text editor.
+---
+
+Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first
+alphabetically, but because it's the standard. Everyone else loves ed
+because it's ED!
+
+"Ed is the standard text editor."
+
+And ed doesn't waste space on my Timex Sinclair. Just look:
+
+-rwxr-xr-x 1 root 24 Oct 29 1929 /bin/ed
+-rwxr-xr-t 4 root 1310720 Jan 1 1970 /usr/ucb/vi
+-rwxr-xr-x 1 root 5.89824e37 Oct 22 1990 /usr/bin/emacs
+
+Of course, on the system *I* administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
+Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a syslog
+message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K;
+and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!
+
+"Ed is the standard text editor."
+
+Let's look at a typical novice's session with the mighty ed:
+
+golem> ed
+
+?
+help
+?
+?
+?
+quit
+?
+exit
+?
+bye
+?
+hello?
+?
+eat flaming death
+?
+^C
+?
+^C
+?
+^D
+?
+
+---
+Note the consistent user interface and error reportage. Ed is
+generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
+the novice with verbosity.
+
+"Ed is the standard text editor."
+
+Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.
+
+ED IS THE TRUE PATH TO NIRVANA! ED HAS BEEN THE CHOICE OF EDUCATED
+AND IGNORANT ALIKE FOR CENTURIES! ED WILL NOT CORRUPT YOUR PRECIOUS
+BODILY FLUIDS!! ED IS THE STANDARD TEXT EDITOR! ED MAKES THE SUN
+SHINE AND THE BIRDS SING AND THE GRASS GREEN!!
+
+When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless
+help screens and cursor positioning code! I just want an EDitor!!
+Not a "viitor". Not a "emacsitor". Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED!
+ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!!
+
+TEXT EDITOR.
+
+When IBM, in its ever-present omnipotence, needed to base their
+"edlin" on a UNIX standard, did they mimic vi? No. Emacs? Surely
+you jest. They chose the most karmic editor of all. The standard.
+
+Ed is for those who can *remember* what they are working on. If you
+are an idiot, you should use Emacs. If you are an Emacs, you should
+not be vi. If you use ED, you are on THE PATH TO REDEMPTION. THE
+SO-CALLED "VISUAL" EDITORS HAVE BEEN PLACED HERE BY ED TO TEMPT THE
+FAITHLESS. DO NOT GIVE IN!!! THE MIGHTY ED HAS SPOKEN!!!
+
+?
+
Index: ed.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: ed.txt
diff -N ed.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ ed.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:57 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+while :;do read x;echo \?;done
Index: errno.2.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: errno.2.txt
diff -N errno.2.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ errno.2.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:58 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,64 @@
+>From
rocksanne!rochester!seismo!lll-crg!lll-lcc!qantel!ihnp4!chinet!nucsrl!naim Tue
Sep 16 01:45:44 1986
+Path:
sunybcs!rocksanne!rochester!seismo!lll-crg!lll-lcc!qantel!ihnp4!chinet!nucsrl!naim
+From: address@hidden (Naim Abdullah)
+Newsgroups: net.jokes
+Subject: errno(2) codes
+Message-ID: <address@hidden>
+Date: 16 Sep 86 05:45:44 GMT
+Organization: Northwestern University
+Lines: 54
+
+The following was sent to me by a friend who was working at HP during
+the summer. I am posting it here for the people who missed the
+USENIX conference and who don't get the HP newsgroups.
+
+==============================================================================
+
+At the USENIX Association conference in Atlanta recently a contest was
+held to invent the most humorous/bizarre/etc UN*X error message of the
+errno(2) 'EERROR' type. This contest had been tried at an earlier European
+Users Group meeting, where the winning entry was:
+
+ENOTOBACCO Read on an empty pipe
+
+You get the idea. A partial [alphabetized] list of 'top(?)' entries from
+Atlanta [and from several readers of hp.unix] follows; if your pun/wierdness
+tolerance is low, you may want to abandon ship:
+
+EBEFOREI Invalid syntax
+ECHERNOBYL Core dumped
+ECRAY Program exited before being run
+EDINGDONG The daemon is dead
+EFLAT System needs tuning
+EGEEK Program written by inept Frat member
+EIEIO Here-a-bug, there-a-bug, ....
+EIUD Missing period
+ELECTROLUX Your code could stand to be cleaned up
+EMILYPOST Wrong fork
+END.ARMS.CONTROL Silo overflow
+ENOHORSE Mount failed
+ENONSEQUETOR C program not derived from
+ main(){printf("Hello, world");}
+EWATERGATE Extended tape gap
+EWOK Aliens sighted
+EWOK Your code appears to have been stir-fried
+EWOULDBNICE The feature you want has not been implemented yet
+
+And finally, a sort-of 'period piece':
+
+EMR.ED A host is a host,
+ From coast to coast
+ And nobody talks to a host that's close,
+ Unless the host that isn't close
+ Is busy, hung, or dead.
+
+I would also like this new signal to be supported:
+
+SIGNUKE Nuclear event occurred (cannot be caught or ignored :-)
+
+======================================================================
+
+ Naim Abdullah
+ Dept. of EECS,
+ Northwestern University,
+ ihnp4!nucsrl!naim
Index: error-haiku.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: error-haiku.txt
diff -N error-haiku.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ error-haiku.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:58 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,79 @@
+IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC TEXT STRINGS,
+YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...
+
+ A file that big?
+ It might be very useful.
+ But now it is gone.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Yesterday it worked
+ Today it is not working
+ Windows is like that
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Stay the patient course
+ Of little worth is your ire
+ The network is down
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Three things are certain:
+ Death, taxes, and lost data.
+ Guess which has occurred.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ You step in the stream,
+ but the water has moved on.
+ This page is not here.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Out of memory.
+ We wish to hold the whole sky,
+ But we never will.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Having been erased,
+ The document you're seeking
+ Must now be retyped.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Rather than a beep
+ Or a rude error message,
+ These words: "File not found."
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Serious error.
+ All shortcuts have disappeared.
+ Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ The Web site you seek
+ cannot be located but
+ endless others exist
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Chaos reigns within.
+ Reflect, repent, and reboot.
+ Order shall return.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ ABORTED effort:
+ Close all that you have.
+ You ask way too much.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ First snow, then silence.
+ This thousand dollar screen dies
+ so beautifully.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ With searching comes loss
+ and the presence of absence:
+ "My Novel" not found.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ The Tao that is seen
+ Is not the true Tao, until
+ You bring fresh toner.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Windows NT crashed.
+ I am the Blue Screen of Death.
+ No one hears your screams.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ A crash reduces
+ your expensive computer
+ to a simple stone.
+ - - - - - - - - - - - -
+ Error messages
+ cannot completely convey.
+ We now know shared loss.
+
+
+-- Anonymous Author
+
+
Index: foreign-signs.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: foreign-signs.txt
diff -N foreign-signs.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ foreign-signs.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:58 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,139 @@
+In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
+are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
+
+In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
+
+In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
+During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
+
+In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
+lit up.
+
+In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
+wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
+should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
+alphabetically by national order.
+
+In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
+desk.
+
+In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
+between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
+
+In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
+the job of the chambermaid.
+
+In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
+chambermaid.
+
+In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
+monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
+and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
+Thursday.
+
+In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
+corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
+
+On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
+for.
+
+On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
+beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
+let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
+
+In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
+courageous, efficient self-service.
+
+Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
+
+In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
+
+Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
+
+In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
+we will execute customers in strict rotation.
+
+Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
+of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
+executed over the past two years.
+
+In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
+shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
+
+In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
+porter.
+
+A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
+our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
+instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
+married with each other for that purpose.
+
+In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
+of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
+used for this purpose.
+
+In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
+latest Methodists.
+
+A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
+been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
+
+In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
+afternoon having a good time.
+
+In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
+tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
+
+Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
+your own ass?
+
+On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
+right.
+
+In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
+their own skin.
+
+On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
+throughout its useful life.
+
+Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
+
+In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
+
+In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
+if dressed as a man.
+
+In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
+
+In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
+in all directions.
+
+On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
+USSR, you are welcome to it.
+
+In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
+children in the bar.
+
+At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
+suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
+
+In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
+diseases.
+
+In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
+served here.
+
+In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
+they are best in the long run.
+
+From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
+conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
+your room, please control yourself.
+
+From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
+heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
+but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
+
+Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
+ - English well talking.
+ - Here speeching American.
Index: fsf-in-german.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: fsf-in-german.txt
diff -N fsf-in-german.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ fsf-in-german.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:59 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+Date: Fri, 7 May 93 21:30:47 PDT
+From: address@hidden (Paul Rubin)
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: FSF
+
+Did you know that FSF in Germany stands for "Fisch sucht Fahrrad"?
+Translation: fish seeks bicycle. An FSF-party is a singles gathering,
+I think.
+
+I'm not sure whether the expression is widely used.
Index: gnu.jive.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: gnu.jive.txt
diff -N gnu.jive.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ gnu.jive.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:59 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,558 @@
+BABYL OPTIONS:
+Version: 5
+Labels:
+Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
+Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
+Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
+
+1,,
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Received: from EDDIE.MIT.EDU by life.ai.mit.edu (4.1/AI-4.10) id AA23886; Tue,
17 Jul 90 23:05:10 EDT
+Received: by EDDIE.MIT.EDU (5.61/25-eef)
+ id AA10043; Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
+Date: Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
+From: Robert E. Seastrom <address@hidden>
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: thought you might find this amusing...
+
+*** EOOH ***
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Date: Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
+From: Robert E. Seastrom <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: thought you might find this amusing...
+
+
+No, no one's circulating this - I ran the plain GNU Manifesto through
+a lex script called "jive".
+
+"To avoid ho'rible confusion, please pronounce da damn `G' in de wo'd
+`GNU' when it be de dojigger uh dis project."
+
+ ---Rob
+
+
+ De GNU Manifesto
+
+Copyright (C) 1985 Richard M. Stallman
+ (Copyin' puh'mission notice at da damn end.)
+
+What's GNU? Gnu's Not Unix. Right On!
+
+GNU, which stands fo' Gnu's Not Unix, be de dojigger fo' de complete
+Unix-compatible software system which ah' am writin' so's dat ah' can
+give it away free t'everyone who kin use it. Several oda' volunteers
+are helpin' me. What it is, Mama! Contribushuns uh time, bre'd,
+honky codes and equipment are greatly needed.
+
+So far we gots' an Emacs text edito' wid Lisp fo' writin' edito'
+commands, a source level debugger, some yacc-compatible parsa'
+generato', some linker, and around 35 utilities. A shell (command
+interpreter) be nearly completed. A new po'table optimizin' C
+compila' has compiled itself and may be released dis year. Ah be
+baaad... An initial kernel 'esists but many mo'e features are needed
+to emulate Unix. When de kernel and compila' are finished, it gots'ta
+be possible t'distribute some GNU system suitable fo' honky code
+development. We gots'ta use @TeX{} as our text fo'matter, but an
+nroff be bein' wo'ked on. 'S coo', bro. We gots'ta use da damn free,
+po'table X window system as sheeit. Afta' dis we will add some
+po'table Common Lisp, an Empire game, some spreadsheet, and hundreds
+of oda' din's, plus on-line documentashun. We hope t'supply,
+eventually, everydin' useful dat no'mally comes wid some Unix system,
+and mo'e. What it is, Mama!
+
+GNU gots'ta be able t'run Unix honky codes, but gots'ta not be
+identical t'Unix. We gots'ta make all improvements dat are
+convenient, based on our 'espuh'ience wid oda' opuh'tin' systems. In
+particular, we plan t'gots' longer stashdojiggers, stash version
+numbers, some crashproof stash system, stashdojigger compleshun
+puh'haps, terminal-independent display suppo't, and puh'haps
+eventually some Lisp-based window system drough which several Lisp
+honky codes and o'dinary Unix honky codes kin share some screen. 'S
+coo', bro. Bod C and Lisp gots'ta be available as system honky
+codemin' languages. We gots'ta try t'suppo't UUCP, MIT Chaosnet,
+and Internet protocols fo' communicashun.
+
+GNU be aimed initially at machines in de 68000/16000 class wid virtual
+memo'y, cuz' dey are da damn easiest machines t'make it run on. 'S
+coo', bro. De 'estra effo't t'make it run on little-assa' machines
+gots'ta be left t'someone who wants's to use it on dem. 'S coo', bro.
+
+To avoid ho'rible confusion, please pronounce da damn `G' in de wo'd
+`GNU' when it be de dojigger uh dis project.
+
+
+Who Am I?
+
+I's gots'ta be Richard Stallman, invento' uh de o'iginal much-imitated
+EMACS edito', fo'merly at da damn Artificial Intelligence Lab at MIT.
+ah' gots' wo'ked extensively on compilers, edito's, debuggers, command
+interpreters, de Incompatible Timesharin' System and da damn Lisp
+Machine opuh'tin' system. 'S coo', bro. I pioneered terminal-
+independent display suppo't in ITS. Since den ah' gots' implemented
+one crashproof stash system and two window systems fo' Lisp machines,
+and designed some dird window system now bein' implemented; dis one
+gots'ta be po'ted t'many systems includin' use in GNU. ['Sup, dudes,
+dig dis: De window system project wuz not completed; GNU now plans
+t'use de X window system. 'S coo', bro.]
+
+
+Why ah' Must Write GNU
+
+I consida' dat da damn golden rule requires dat if ah' likes some
+honky code ah' must share it wid oda' sucka's who likes it. Software
+sellers wanna divide de users and conqua' dem, makin' each usa' agree
+not t'share wid oders. ah' refuse t'boogie solidarity wid oda' users
+in dis way. Slap mah fro! I cannot in baaaad conscience sign some
+nondisclosho' nuff agreement o' some software license agreement. Fo'
+years ah' wo'ked widin de Artificial Intelligence Lab t'resist such
+tendencies and oda' inhospitalities, but eventually dey had gone too
+far, dig dis: ah' could not remain in an institushun where such din's
+are done fo' me against mah' will.
+
+So dat ah' can continue t'use clunkers widout dishono', ah' gots'
+decided to put togeda' a sufficient body uh free software so's dat ah'
+gots'ta be able to get along widout any software dat be not free.
+What it is, Mama! ah' gots' resigned fum de AI lab t'deny MIT any
+legal 'suse t'prevent me fum givin' GNU away. Slap mah fro!
+
+
+Why GNU Will Be Compatible wid Unix
+
+Unix be not mah' ideal system, but it be not too bad-ass. De
+essential features of Unix seem t'be baaaad ones, and ah' dink ah' can
+fill in whut Unix lacks widout spoilin' dem. 'S coo', bro. And some
+system compatible wid Unix would be convenient fo' many oda' sucka's
+t'adopt.
+
+
+How GNU Will Be Available
+
+GNU be not in de public domain. 'S coo', bro. Everyone gots'ta be
+puh'mitted t'modify and redistribute GNU, but no distributo' gots'ta
+be allowed t'restrict its furda' redistribushun. Dat be to say,
+proprietary modificashuns gots'ta not be allowed. ah' wanna make sho'
+nuff dat all versions uh GNU remain free. What it is, Mama!
+
+
+Why Many Oda' Programmers Want t'Help
+
+I gots' found many oda' honky codemers who are 'sited about GNU and
+wanna help.
+
+Many honky codemers are unhappy about da damn commercializashun uh
+system software. What it is, Mama! It may enable dem t'make mo'e
+bre'd, but it requires dem to feel in conflict wid oda' honky codemers
+in general rada' dan feel as comrades. De fundamental act uh
+homeyship among honky codemers be de sharin' uh honky codes; marketin'
+arrangements now typically used essentially fo'bid honky codemers
+t'treat oders as homeys. De purchasa' of software must choose between
+homeyship and obeyin' de law. Naturally, many decide dat homeyship be
+mo'e impo'tant. But dose who recon' in law often do not feel at ease
+wid eida' choice. What it is, Mama! Dey become cynical and dink dat
+honky codemin' be plum a way uh makin' bre'd.
+
+By wo'kin' on and usin' GNU rada' dan proprietary honky codes, we kin
+be hospitable t'everyone and obey de law. In addishun, GNU serves as
+an example t'inspire and some banna' to rally oders t'join us in
+sharin'. Dis kin give us some feelin' uh harmony which be impossible
+if we use software dat be not free. What it is, Mama! Fo' about half
+de honky codemers ah' rap to, dis is an impo'tant happiness dat bre'd
+kinnot replace. What it is, Mama!
+
+
+How You's Can Contribute
+
+I's gots'ta be ax'in' clunker manufacturers fo' donashuns uh machines
+and bre'd. I'm ax'in' individuals fo' donashuns uh honky codes and
+wo'k.
+
+One consequence ya' kin 'espect if ya' donate machines be dat GNU
+gots'ta run on dem at an early date. What it is, Mama! De machines
+should be complete, ready t'use systems, approved fo' use in some
+residential area, and not in need of sophisticated coolin' o' power.
+Ah be baaad...
+
+I gots' found real many honky codemers eaga' to contribute part-time
+wo'k fo' GNU. Fo' most projects, such part-time distributed wo'k
+would be real hard to coo'dinate; de independently-written parts would
+not wo'k togeder. Ah be baaad... But fo' de particular tax' uh
+replacin' Unix, dis problem be absent. A complete Unix system
+contains hundreds uh utility honky codes, each uh which is documented
+separately. Slap mah fro! Most interface specificashuns are fixed by
+Unix compatibility. Slap mah fro! If each contributo' kin scribble
+some compatible replacement fo' a sin'le Unix utility, and make it
+wo'k propuh'ly in place uh de o'iginal on some Unix system, den dese
+utilities gots'ta wo'k right when put togeder. Ah be baaad... Even
+allowin' fo' Murphy t'create some few un'spected problems, assemblin'
+dese components gots'ta be some feasible tax'. (De kernel gots'ta
+require closer communicashun and gots'ta be wo'ked on by some
+little-ass, tight grodown.)
+
+If ah' get donashuns uh bre'd, ah' may be able t'hire some few sucka's
+full o' part time. What it is, Mama! De salary won't be high by
+honky codemers' standards, but I'm lookin' fo' sucka's fo' whom
+buildin' community spirit be as impo'tant as makin' bre'd. ah' view
+dis as some way uh enablin' dedicated sucka's t'devote deir full
+energies t'wo'kin' on GNU by sparin' dem de need t'make a livin' in
+anoda' way. Slap mah fro!
+
+
+Why All Computa' Users Will Benefit
+
+Once GNU be written, everyone gots'ta be able t'obtain baaaad system
+software free, plum likes air. Ah be baaad...
+
+Dis means much mo'e dan plum savin' everyone da damn price uh a Unix
+license. What it is, Mama! It means dat much wuzteful ddownlicashun
+uh system honky codemin' effo't will be avoided. Dis effo't kin go
+instead into advancin' de state uh de art.
+
+Complete system sources gots'ta be available t'everyone. What it is,
+Mama! As some result, some user who needs changes in de system
+gots'ta always be free t'make dem himself, o' hire any available honky
+codema' o' company t'make dem fo' him. 'S coo', bro. Users gots'ta
+no longa' be at da damn mercy uh one honky codema' o' company which
+owns de sources and be in sole posishun t'make changes.
+
+Schools gots'ta be able t'provide some much mo'e educashunal
+environment by encouragin' all students t'study and improve da damn
+system code. What it is, Mama! Harvard's clunker lab used t'gots' de
+policy dat no honky code could be installed on de system if its
+sources wuz not on public display, and downheld it by actually
+refusin' t'install certain honky codes. ah' wuz real much inspired by
+dis.
+
+Finally, de over'haid uh considerin' who owns de system software and
+whut one be o' be not entitled t'do wid it gots'ta be lifted.
+
+Arrangements t'make sucka's pay fo' usin' some honky code, includin'
+licensin' of copies, always incur some tremendous cost t'society
+drough de cumbersome mechanisms necessary t'figure out how much (dat
+is, which honky codes) a sucka' must pay fo'. And only some honky
+pigs state kin fo'ce everyone t'obey dem. 'S coo', bro. Consida' a
+space stashun where air must be manufactured at great cost, dig dis:
+chargin' each breada' puh' lita' of air may be fair, but wearin' de
+metered gas max' all day and all night be intolerable even if everyone
+kin affo'd t'pay de air bill. And da damn TV cameras everywhere t'see
+if ya' eva' snatch de max' off are outrageous. It's betta' to
+suppo't da damn air plant wid some 'haid tax and chuck de max's.
+
+Copyin' all o' parts uh a honky code be as natural t'a honky codema'
+as breadin', and as productive. What it is, Mama! It ought t'be as
+free. What it is, Mama!
+
+
+Some Easily Rebutted Objecshuns t'GNU's Goals
+
+ "Nobody gots'ta use it if it be free, cuz' dat means
+ dey kin't rely on any suppo't."
+ "You's gots'ta charge fo' de honky code
+ t'pay fo' providin' de suppo't."
+
+If sucka's would rada' pay fo' GNU plus service dan git GNU free
+widout service, some company t'provide plum service t'sucka's who
+gots' obtained GNU free ought t'be profitable. What it is, Mama!
+
+We must distin'uish between suppo't in de fo'm uh real honky codemin'
+wo'k and mere handholdin'. De fo'ma' is sump'n one kinnot rely on fum
+a software vendo'. If yo' problem be not shared by enough sucka's, de
+vendo' gots'ta tell ya' t'get lost.
+
+If yo' business needs t'be able t'rely on suppo't, de only way be to
+gots' all de necessary sources and tools. Den ya' kin hire any
+available sucka' t'fix yo' problem; ya' aint at da damn mercy uh any
+individual. Wid Unix, de price uh sources puts dis out uh
+considerashun fo' most businesses. Wid GNU dis gots'ta be easy. Slap
+mah fro! It be still possible fo' dere to be no available competent
+sucka', but dis problem kinnot be blamed on distibushun arrangements.
+GNU duz not eliminate all de wo'ld's problems, only some uh dem. 'S
+coo', bro.
+
+Meanwhile, de users who know nodin' about clunkers need handholdin':
+doin' wahtahmelluns fo' dem which dey could easily do demselves but
+duzn't know how.
+
+Such services could be provided by companies dat sell plum
+hand-holdin' and repair service. What it is, Mama! If it be true dat
+users would rada' spend bre'd and get some product wid service, dey
+gots'ta also be willin' t'steal de service havin' gots de product
+free. What it is, Mama! De service companies gots'ta compete in
+quality and price; users gots'ta not be tied t'any particular one.
+What it is, Mama! Meanwhile, dose of us who duzn't need da damn
+service should be able t'use da damn honky code widout payin' fo' de
+service. What it is, Mama!
+
+ "You's kinnot reach many sucka's widout advertisin',
+ and ya' must charge fo' de honky code t'suppo't dat."
+ "It's no use advertisin' some honky code sucka's kin git free. What
+ it is, Mama!"
+
+Dere are various fo'ms uh free o' real cheap publicity dat kin be used
+to info'm numbers uh clunker users about sump'n likes GNU. But it may
+be true dat one kin reach mo'e microclunker users wid advertisin'. If
+dis is really so, some business which advertises de service uh copyin'
+and mailin' GNU fo' some fee ought t'be successful enough t'pay fo'
+its advertisin' and mo'e. What it is, Mama! Dis way, only de users
+who benefit fum de advertisin' pay fo' it.
+
+On de oda' hand, if many sucka's git GNU fum deir homeys, and such
+companies duzn't succeed, dis gots'ta show dat advertisin' wuz not
+really necessary t'spread GNU. Why be it dat free market advocates
+duzn't wants' to let da damn free market decide dis?
+
+ "My company needs some proprietary opuh'tin' system
+ t'get some competitive edge. What it is, Mama!"
+
+GNU gots'ta remove opuh'tin' system software fum de realm uh
+competishun. You's gots'ta not be able t'get an edge in dis area, but
+neida' gots'ta yo' competito's be able t'get an edge ova' ya'. You's
+and dey gots'ta compete in oda' areas, while benefittin' mutually in
+dis one. What it is, Mama! If yo' business is sellin' an opuh'tin'
+system, ya' gots'ta not likes GNU, but dat's tough on ya'. If yo'
+business be sump'n else, GNU kin save ya' fum bein' pushed into de
+'espensive business uh sellin' opuh'tin' systems.
+
+I would likes t'see GNU development suppo'ted by gifts fum many
+manufacturers and users, reducin' de cost t'each.
+
+ "Don't honky codemers deserve some reward fo' deir creativity?"
+
+If anydin' deserves some reward, it be social contribushun.
+Creativity kin be some social contribushun, but only in so's far as
+society be free t'use de results. If honky codemers deserve t'be
+rewarded fo' creatin' innovative honky codes, by de same token dey
+deserve t'be punished if dey restrict de use uh dese honky codes.
+
+ "Shouldn't some honky codema' be able t'ax' fo' some reward fo' his
+ creativity?"
+
+Dere be nodin' wrong wid wants'in' pay fo' wo'k, o' seekin' t'maximize
+one's income, as long as one duz not use means dat are destructive.
+What it is, Mama! But de means customary in de field uh software
+today are based on destrucshun.
+
+Extractin' bre'd fum users uh a honky code by restrictin' deir use uh
+it is destructive cuz' de restricshuns reduce da damn amount and da
+damn ways dat de honky code kin be used. Dis reduces de amount uh
+weald dat humanity derives fum de honky code. When dere be a
+deliberate choice t'restrict, de harmful consequences are deliberate
+destrucshun.
+
+De reason some baaaad citizen duz not use such destructive means
+t'become wealdia' is dat, if everyone dun did so, we would all become
+poo'a' from de mutual destructiveness. Dis be Kantian edics; o', de
+Golden Rule. What it is, Mama! Since ah' do not likes de
+consequences dat result if everyone ho'ds info'mashun, ah' am required
+t'consida' it wrong fo' one t'do so. Specifically, de desire t'be
+rewarded fo' one's creativity duz not justify deprivin' de wo'ld in
+general uh all o' part uh dat creativity. Slap mah fro!
+
+ "Won't honky codemers starve?"
+
+I could answa' dat nobody be fo'ced t'be some honky codemer. Ah be
+baaad... Most uh us kinnot manage t'get any bre'd fo' standin' on de
+street and makin' faces. But we aint, as some result, condemned
+t'spend our lives standin' on de street makin' faces, and starvin'.
+We do sump'n else. What it is, Mama!
+
+But dat be de wrong answa' a'cuz it accepts de quesshuner's implicit
+assumpshun: dat widout ownership uh software, honky codemers kinnot
+possibly be paid some cent. Supposedly it be all o' nodin'.
+
+De real reason honky codemers gots'ta not starve be dat it gots'ta
+still be possible fo' dem t'get paid fo' honky codemin'; plum not paid
+as much as now.
+
+Restrictin' copyin' be not da damn only basis fo' business in
+software. What it is, Mama! It is de most common basis cuz' it
+brin's in de most bre'd. If it wuz prohibited, o' rejected by de
+customer, software business would move to oda' bases uh o'ganizashun
+which are now used less often. 'S coo', bro. Dere are always
+numerous ways t'o'ganize any kind'a business.
+
+Probably honky codemin' gots'ta not be as lucrative on de new basis as
+it is now. But dat be not an argument against da damn change. What
+it is, Mama! It be not considered an injustice dat sales clerks make
+da damn salaries dat dey now do. If honky codemers made da damn same,
+dat would not be an injustice eider. Ah be baaad... (In practice dey
+would still make considerably mo'e dan dat.)
+
+ "Don't sucka's gots' some right t'control how deir creativity be used?"
+
+"Control ova' de use uh one's ideas" really constitutes control ova'
+oder sucka's's lives; and it be usually used t'make deir lives mo'e
+difficult.
+
+People who gots' studied da damn issue uh intellectual propuh'ty
+rights carefully (such as lawyers) say dat dere be no intrinsic right
+t'intellectual propuh'ty. Slap mah fro! De kinds uh supposed
+intellectual propuh'ty rights dat de guv'ment recognizes wuz created
+by specific acts uh legislashun fo' specific purposes.
+
+Fo' 'esample, de patent system wuz established t'encourage invento's
+to disclose da damn details uh deir invenshuns. Its purpose wuz
+t'help society rada' dan t'help invento's. At da damn time, de life
+span uh 17 years fo' a patent wuz sho't compared wid de rate uh
+advance uh de state uh de art. Since patents are an issue only among
+manufacturers, fo' whom de cost and effo't uh a license agreement are
+little-ass compared wid settin' down producshun, de patents often do
+not do much harm. 'S coo', bro. Dey do not obstruct most individuals
+who use patented products.
+
+De idea uh copyright dun did not 'esist in ancient times, when audo's
+frequently copied oda' audo's at lengd in wo'ks uh non-ficshun. Dis
+practice wuz useful, and be de only way many audo's' wo'ks gots'
+survived even in part. De copyright system wuz created 'espressly fo'
+de purpose of encouragin' audo'ship. In de domain fo' which it wuz
+invented--scribblin's, which could be copied economically only on some
+printin' press--it dun did little harm, and dun did not obstruct most
+uh de individuals who eyeball de scribblin's.
+
+All intellectual propuh'ty rights are plum licenses granted by society
+a'cuz it wuz dought, rightly o' wrongly, dat society as some whole
+would benefit by grantin' dem. 'S coo', bro. But in any particular
+situashun, we gots'ta ax': are we really betta' off grantin' such
+license? What kind'a act are we licensin' some sucka' t'do?
+
+De case uh honky codes today be very different fum dat uh scribblin's
+some hundred years ago. De fact dat da damn easiest way t'copy some
+honky code be from one neighbo' t'anoder, de fact dat some honky code
+gots'ta bod source code and object code which are distinct, and da
+damn fact dat some honky code be used rader dan eyeball and enjoyed,
+combine t'create some situashun in which some sucka' who enfo'ces some
+copyright be harmin' society as some whole bod materially and
+spiritually; in which some sucka' should not do so's regardless uh
+wheda' de law enables him to.
+
+ "Competishun makes wahtahmelluns git done better. Ah be baaad..."
+
+De paradigm uh competishun be a race, dig dis: by rewardin' de winner,
+we encourage everyone t'run faster. Ah be baaad... When capitalism
+really wo'ks dis way, it duz some baaaad job; but its defenders are
+wrong in assumin' it always wo'ks dis way. Slap mah fro! If de
+runners fo'get why de reward be offered and become intent on winnin',
+no matta' how, dey may find oda' strategies--such as, attackin' oda'
+runners. If de runners git into some fist fight, dey will all finish
+late. What it is, Mama!
+
+Proprietary and secret software be de mo'al equivalent uh runners in a
+fist fight. Sad t'say, de only referee we've gots duz not seem to
+object t'fights; he plum regulates dem ("Fo' every ten yards ya' run,
+ya' are allowed one kick."). He really ought t'boogie dem down, and
+penalize runners fo' even tryin' t'fight.
+
+ "Won't everyone stop honky codemin' widout some monetary incentive?"
+
+Actually, many sucka's gots'ta honky code wid absolutely no monetary
+incentive. What it is, Mama! Programmin' gots'ta an irresistible
+fascinashun fo' some sucka's, usually de sucka's who are best at it.
+Dere be no sho'tage uh professional beatians who keep at it even dough
+dey gots' no hope uh makin' some livin' dat way. Slap mah fro!
+
+But really dis quesshun, dough commonly ax'ed, be not appropriate t'de
+situashun. Pay fo' honky codemers gots'ta not disappear, only become
+less. So de right quesshun is, gots'ta anyone honky code wid some
+reduced monetary incentive? My 'espuh'ience shows dat dey will.
+
+Fo' mo'e dan ten years, many uh de wo'ld's best honky codemers wo'ked
+at de Artificial Intelligence Lab fo' far less bre'd dan dey could
+gots' had anywhere else. What it is, Mama! Dey gots many kinds uh
+non-monetary rewards, dig dis: fame and appreciashun, fo' 'esample.
+What it is, Mama! And creativity be also fun, some reward in itself.
+
+Den most uh dem left when offered some chance t'do de same interestin'
+wo'k fo' some lot uh bre'd.
+
+What da damn facts show be dat sucka's gots'ta honky code fo' reasons
+oda' dan riches; but if given some chance t'make some lot uh bre'd as
+sheeit, dey will come t''spect and demand it. Low-payin'
+o'ganizashuns do poo'ly in competishun wid high-payin' ones, but dey
+do not gots'ta do bad-assly if de high-payin' ones are banned.
+
+ "We need da damn honky codemers despuh'tely. Slap mah fro! If dey
+ demand dat we stop helpin' our neighbo's, we gots'ta obey. Slap mah
+ fro!"
+
+Youse neva' so despuh'te dat ya' gots'ta obey dis radical demand.
+Remember, dig dis: millions fo' defense, but not some cent fo'
+tribute. Right On!
+
+ "Programmers need t'make some livin' somehow."
+
+In de sho't run, dis be true. What it is, Mama! However, dere are
+plenty uh ways dat honky codemers could make some livin' widout
+sellin' de right t'use some honky code. Dis way be customary now cuz'
+it brin's honky codemers and businessmen de most bre'd, not cuz' it be
+de only way t'make some livin'. It be easy to find oda' ways if ya'
+wanna find dem. 'S coo', bro. Here are some numba' of 'esamples.
+
+A manufactura' introducin' some new clunker gots'ta pay fo' de po'tin'
+of opuh'tin' systems onto de new hardware. What it is, Mama!
+
+De sale uh teachin', hand-holdin' and maintenance services could also
+employ honky codemers.
+
+People wid new ideas could distribute honky codes as freeware, ax'in'
+fo' donashuns fum satisfied users, o' sellin' hand-holdin' services.
+ah' gots' met sucka's who are already wo'kin' dis way successfully.
+Slap mah fro!
+
+Users wid related needs kin fo'm users' grodowns, and pay dues. A
+grodown would contract wid honky codemin' companies t'scribble honky
+codes dat de grodown's members would likes t'use. What it is, Mama!
+
+All so'ts uh development kin be funded wid some Software Tax, dig dis:
+
+ S'pose everyone who steals some clunker gots'ta t'pay x puh'cent of
+ de price as some software tax. De guv'ment gives dis to an agency
+ likes de NSF t'spend on software development.
+
+ But if de clunker steala' makes some donashun t'software development
+ himself, he kin snatch some credit against da damn tax. He kin donate
+ to de project uh his own choosin'--often, chosen cuz' he hopes to use
+ da damn results when it be done. What it is, Mama! He kin snatch
+ some credit fo' any amount uh donashun down t'de total tax he had
+ t'pay. Slap mah fro!
+
+ De total tax rate could be decided by some vote uh de payers of de
+ tax, weighted acco'din' t'de amount dey gots'ta be taxed on. 'S coo',
+ bro.
+
+ De consequences, dig dis:
+ * de clunker-usin' community suppo'ts software development.
+ * dis community decides whut level uh suppo't be needed.
+ * users who care which projects deir share be spent on
+ kin choose dis fo' demselves.
+
+In de long run, makin' honky codes free be a step toward da damn
+post-scarcity wo'ld, where nobody gots'ta t'wo'k real hard plum to
+make some livin'. People gots'ta be free t'devote demselves
+t'activities dat are fun, such as honky codemin', afta' spendin' de
+necessary ten hours some week on required tax's such as legislashun,
+family counselin', robot repair and asteroid prospectin'. Dere
+gots'ta be no need t'be able to make some livin' fum honky codemin'.
+
+We gots' already greatly reduced da damn amount uh wo'k dat da damn
+whole society must do fo' its actual productivity, but only some
+little uh dis has translated itself into leisho' nuff fo' wo'kers cuz'
+much nonproductive activity be required t'accompany productive
+activity. Slap mah fro! De main causes uh dis are bureaucracy and
+isometric struggles against competishun. Free software gots'ta
+greatly reduce dese drains in de area uh software producshun. We must
+do dis, in o'da' fo' technical gains in productivity t'translate into
+less wo'k fo' us.
+
+Copyright (C) 1985 Richard M. Stallman
+
+ Permission be granted t'anyone t'make o' distribute verbatim copies
+ uh dis document as received, in any medium, provided dat de
+ copyright notice and puh'mission notice are preserved,
+ and dat da damn distributo' grants de recipient puh'mission
+ fo' furda' redistribushun as puh'mitted by daintice. What it is, Mama!
+
+ Modified versions may not be made. What it is, Mama!
+
+
+
\ No newline at end of file
Index: gullibility.virus.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: gullibility.virus.txt
diff -N gullibility.virus.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ gullibility.virus.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:23:59 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,70 @@
+WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
+Internet
+Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected
+by
+a new virus that causes them to believe without question every
+groundless
+story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their Inbox or on their
+browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people
+believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes,
+E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps
+conspiracy theories should be included here].
+
+"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
+tickets
+based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise
+normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a
+stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become
+infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on
+the
+Internet.
+
+"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one
+weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story
+my
+friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
+
+Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about 'Good
+Times,' I just accepted it without question. After all, there were
+dozens
+of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be
+true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at
+a
+Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been
+hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check
+whatever you read," she says.
+
+Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
+virus,
+which include the following:
+
+ * the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
+
+ * the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
+
+ * a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
+is
+true
+
+T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
+"I
+read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes
+your
+hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the
+Gullibility Virus, T . C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he
+would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to
+seek
+help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of
+gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and
+look
+up
+the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends,
+and
+tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
+community.
+--
+Scott D. Webster mailto:address@hidden
+Etc Services
+http://www.etcservices.com
+Voice: 201.385.7113 Pager: 800.379.2402
+ Linux, UNIX, & TCP/IP Network Consulting
\ No newline at end of file
Index: happy-new-year.cfbC.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: happy-new-year.cfbC.txt
diff -N happy-new-year.cfbC.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ happy-new-year.cfbC.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:00 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,12 @@
+cat /*dev/null; echo "Happy New Year"\!
+cat <<c*/ /*dev/null | cat > /dev/null
+c */ () {} /*
+c */ main() { cat(); printf("Happy New Year!\n"); } /*
+17 format(' Happy New Year!')
+ write (6,17)
+ stop
+ end
+c This program runs in four languages with the same effect.
+c The languages are C, Fortran, C Shell and Bourne Shell.
+c Written by Vadim Antonov, address@hidden
+c*/
Index: know.your.sysadmin.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: know.your.sysadmin.txt
diff -N know.your.sysadmin.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ know.your.sysadmin.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:00 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,499 @@
+Hello,
+
+Couldn't find that in the humour page... it's old, but still good...
+
+---
+ Durval Menezes.
+
+
+Know your Unix System Administrator
+
+ (a field guide)
+
+
+
+ There are four major species of Unix sysad:
+
+ 1.The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced
+into system
+ administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell,
+sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
+ 2.The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a
+harridan
+ ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
+ 3.The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the
+Mossad nor Cuba are
+ willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into
+system administration;
+ occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
+ 4.The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer
+selected to be the
+ system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and
+old COBOL programmers.
+
+
+
+ HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
+
+ SITUATION: Low disk space.
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
+maintain a database of
+historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares
+regression analysis, identify users
+who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to
+the offending parties.
+Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by
+nature, either ignore
+script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk
+quotas. Allows no
+exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over
+quota.
+
+MANIAC:
+
+ # cd /home
+ # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # cd /home
+ # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n",
+$2}'` | compress
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain
+a database of CPU
+usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm,
+and renice offending
+processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
+database into oblivion, bringing
+operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas.
+Locks
+accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling
+development work, much to the
+delight of the xtrek freaks.
+
+MANIAC:
+
+ # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print
+$2}'`
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk
+'{print $2}'`
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: New account creation.
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies
+in incomprehensible
+default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and
+/etc/group. (By hand,
+NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
+handle new accounts. Usually,
+said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter'
+and 'return'; and so, no new
+accounts are ever created.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people
+without accounts
+cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic
+requirements; and so, no new accounts
+are ever created.
+
+MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I
+don't want you on the
+system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box
+anyway."
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
+ # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Root disk fails
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from
+boot monitor. Failing
+that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on
+neighboring machine to load binary
+boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
+over the weekend while he
+goes mountain climbing.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the
+drive. Refuses to
+fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.
+
+MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash
+same to
+flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer
+while they put in a new drive and
+reinstall the OS.
+
+MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer to
+smash same to
+flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while
+putting in new drive and
+reinstalling OS.
+
+IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Poor network response.
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire
+machine room,
+improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I
+can do," and goes
+mountain climbing.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up
+Berkeley and AT&T,
+badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks
+fired.
+
+MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for
+connections to time out.
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # compress -f /dev/en0
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: User questions
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new users
+questions.
+Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for
+that matter, emacs.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains
+queue of questions.
+Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of
+the proper form.
+
+MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge
+for powerful drink
+and/or sycophantic adulation.
+
+IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user
+realizes few UNIX systems
+support punched cards or JCL.
+
+
+
+ Stupid user questions
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or French
+until user gives up
+and goes away.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can present
+documentation
+demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
+
+MANIAC:
+
+ # cat > > ~luser/.cshrc
+ alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z
+~/.cshrc'
+ ^D
+
+IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to
+system administration
+team.
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Process accounting management
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to
+sniff out any
+problems & compute charges.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records
+owned by root
+and chmod'ed 000.
+
+MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD.
+Places frequent
+calls to DEA.
+
+MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run
+quickly.
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # cd c:
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves
+the jackboots.
+
+MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much
+Big Financial
+Institutions love IBM...
+
+IDIOT: AIX.
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer
+support every time
+the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job
+fired.
+
+MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print
+queues, and maybe restarts
+the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: OS upgrade
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he
+likes.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having
+shipped a product
+with bugs in it in the first place.
+
+MANIAC:
+
+ # uptime
+ 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45,
+6.31
+ # wall
+ Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on
+that
+ 5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
+ ^D
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Balky mail
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in
+SNOBOL. Hacks
+kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better"
+semaphores. Rewrites
+sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts
+that go over mail use
+quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail,
+thus solving problem.
+
+MANIAC:
+
+ # kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
+ # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
+ # wall
+ Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
+
+ ^D
+ # write max
+ I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
+ ^D
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ # echo "HELP!" | mail
+tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
+
+
+
+ SITUATION: Users want phone list application
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go
+back to post-it
+notes.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it
+notes.
+
+MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant
+man to keep track of phone
+numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
+
+IDIOT:
+
+ % dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
+
+
+
+ OTHER GUIDELINES
+
+ TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a
+perl script, rewrites
+itself.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
+
+ umask 777
+ alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >
+/dev/null &'
+
+MANIAC: Typical lines include:
+
+ alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
+ alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
+ alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
+ alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
+
+IDIOT: Typical lines include:
+
+ alias dir ls
+ alias era rm
+ alias kitty cat
+ alias process_table ps
+ setenv DISPLAY vt100
+
+
+
+ HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes
+INTERCAL scripts.
+Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old
+TVs to listen in on
+cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.
+
+MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
+card-key logs. Modifies old
+TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.
+
+IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter.
+Rereads flowcharts
+from his salad days at Rand.
+
+
+
+ HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at
+poetry readings and
+Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf. Sometimes
+turns up car
+radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs
+out in yuppie bars and
+tries to pick up dominatrixes.
+
+MANIAC: Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends Dickies and
+Ramones concerts.
+Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything,
+but favors Wild Turkey,
+Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries
+to pick up MOTAS by
+drinking longshoremen under the table .
+
+IDIOT: Reads Time and Newsweek -- and *believes* them. Drinks
+Jagermeister. Tries to pick up
+close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of
+idiots.
+
+
+
+ 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he
+liked Tipper.
+
+MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
+
+IDIOT: Perot.
+
+
+
+ 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
+
+TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
+
+ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
+
+MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
+
+IDIOT: Quayle.
+
+
+
+ COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
+
+TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent
+folk from ever using
+more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and
+load brings system to its
+knees.
+
+TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system,
+but are actually
+encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test
+sites for worms.
+
+TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an
+"rm -rf /".
+
+FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or
+imagined, shuts down
+system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
+
+FASCISTIC IDIOT:
+
+ # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
+
+MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
+
+Stephan Zielinski
+
Index: last.bug.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: last.bug.txt
diff -N last.bug.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ last.bug.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:00 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+ THE LAST BUG
+
+"But you're out of your mind,"
+They said with a shrug.
+"The customer's happy;
+What's one little bug?"
+
+But he was determined.
+The others went home.
+He spread out the program,
+Deserted, alone.
+
+The cleaning men came,
+The whole room was cluttered
+With memory-dumps, punch cards.
+"I'm close," he muttered.
+
+The mumbling got louder,
+Simple deduction,
+"I've got it, it's right,
+Just change one instruction."
+
+It still wasn't perfect,
+As year followed year,
+And strangers would comment,
+"Is that guy still here?"
+
+He died at the console,
+Of hunger and thirst.
+Next day he was buried,
+Face down, nine-edge first.
+
+And the last bug in sight,
+An ant passing by,
+Saluted his tombstone,
+And whispered, "Nice try."
Index: lawyers.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: lawyers.txt
diff -N lawyers.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ lawyers.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:01 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,636 @@
+------
+I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been posted
+already, but here goes:
+
+Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
+location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
+
+The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
+to screw her!"
+
+The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of
+What?"
+------
+>From the official list of usenet lawyer jokes.
+I think the owner of this list should post them again............
+
+But there are good lawyer stories. Here is a bit of Hollywood Trivia.
+
+During the making of the moview "Jaws", Steven Spielburgs first mega-hit,
+the special effects crew named the mechanical 25 foot sharks "Bruce",
+after Spielburgs lawyer. The runing joke was, "Why won't a shark eat a
+lawyer? Proffesional Courtesy".
+------
+Lemme see. What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks
+in pig shit?
+
+Not enough pig shit.
+------
+
+Q & A form jokes
+
+Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
+A: A good start!
+
+Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
+A: His lips are moving.
+
+Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
+ in the road?
+A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
+
+Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
+A: Professional courtesy.
+
+Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
+A: Not enough sand.
+
+Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
+A: Cut the rope.
+
+Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
+A1: Take your foot off his head.
+A2: No. Good!
+
+Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
+A: The bucket.
+
+Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
+A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
+
+Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
+A: There was an empty seat.
+
+Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
+A: Stick his bill up his ass.
+
+Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
+A: An offer you can't understand
+
+Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
+A. From chasing parked ambulances.
+
+Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
+A. In the cemetary
+
+Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
+A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
+
+Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
+A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
+
+Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
+A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
+
+Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
+A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
+ defiance
+
+Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
+A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
+
+Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
+A. It might be your bicycle.
+
+Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
+A. Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
+------
+
+Longer jokes:
+
+A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
+The housewife replies: "Four!".
+
+The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
+figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
+
+The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
+"How much do you want it to be?"
+-----
+A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
+remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
+brain store. So he asks the butcher:
+"How much for Engineer brain?"
+"3 dollars an ounce."
+"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
+"4 dollars an ounce."
+"How much for lawyer brain?"
+"100 dollars an ounce."
+"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
+"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
+-----
+A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
+living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
+day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's
+wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
+and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
+"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced,
+"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and
+promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to
+Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The
+teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
+Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
+like that to a seven-year-old?"
+-----
+A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
+thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
+surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
+to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
+of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
+front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer
+said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
+
+St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
+your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
+----
+A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
+scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
+was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
+"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
+more of them."
+-----
+A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
+it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
+thief go first, and the executioner follow."
+-----
+"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
+had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
+since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
+that question."
+-----
+The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
+After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
+professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
+station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
+to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
+Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
+huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
+announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
+the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
+a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
+once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
+more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
+Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
+Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
+The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
+deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
+spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
+
+Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
+this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
+times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
+get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
+he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
+-----
+Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
+the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
+had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a
+warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
+your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your
+honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
+went and took the car I stole."
+-----
+"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
+your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
+wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
+-----
+A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
+defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
+influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
+would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
+looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
+lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
+
+The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
+judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
+it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
+jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
+waited.
+
+After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
+the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
+When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
+yet?"
+
+The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
+nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
+------
+Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
+asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
+------
+A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
+grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
+little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
+grave?"
+
+"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
+
+"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
+-----
+The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
+least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
+----
+These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
+the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
+better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
+some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
+cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
+guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
+us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
+balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
+man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
+"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
+
+That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
+George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
+New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
+------
+For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
+this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
+innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
+his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
+lover with an infant on her lap!
+
+"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
+cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
+the baby would have my name!"
+
+"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
+all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
+bastard in the family than a lawyer."
+-----
+God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
+and for all.
+
+When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
+going to find a lawyer?"
+-----
+Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
+walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
+dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
+mythological creatures.
+------
+A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
+his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
+it.
+
+"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
+
+"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
+it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
+could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
+
+"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
+"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
+exclaim, "That's Strange!"
+-----
+The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
+going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
+Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
+the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
+
+1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
+ This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
+ conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
+
+2) Lawyers breed faster.
+
+3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
+ won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
+
+4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
+ hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.
+-----
+A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
+to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
+lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
+line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
+backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a
+Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
+freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the
+country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one
+morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
+berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
+gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
+two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
+bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
+and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
+back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the
+local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back
+to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
+there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
+visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
+had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
+batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
+"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
+"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
+you that the Czech was in the Male?"
+-----
+It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
+emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
+came over to see him.
+
+"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
+court when you accused me of malpractice."
+
+"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
+it be?"
+
+"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
+
+"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
+know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
+
+"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
+
+"What are you talking about?"
+
+"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
+everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
+
+"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
+
+"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
+out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
+
+"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
+
+"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
+were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
+treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
+Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
+headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
+Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
+
+"Why are you reading that to me?"
+
+"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
+diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
+
+"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
+
+"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
+I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
+
+"Then get me another doctor."
+
+"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
+malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the
+only place that I can practice."
+
+"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
+your case to a higher court."
+
+"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
+kidney stone."
+
+"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
+him."
+
+"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
+addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
+stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
+Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to
+be in a lot of pain.' "
+
+"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
+Demerol?"
+
+"I better check you out first."
+
+"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
+
+"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
+patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
+Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
+
+"What for?"
+
+"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
+lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
+
+"I'm not going to sue you."
+
+"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
+pass the kidney stone?"
+-------
+A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
+
+The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
+into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the
+world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
+produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
+away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
+thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
+
+The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
+to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
+Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
+have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
+he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
+quite impressed.
+
+At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
+the Lawyer through it...
+----
+A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
+steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
+running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
+to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
+"Absolutely."
+
+"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
+today."
+
+The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
+[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
+brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
+
+Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
+be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
+the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
+----
+A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
+when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
+farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had
+only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
+animals. The three quickly agreed.
+
+The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
+beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
+door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
+pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
+pig!"
+
+The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
+with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
+bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
+room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
+
+The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
+no problem sleeping with animals.
+
+In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
+entered...
+-----
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+
+A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
+
+A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
+
+A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
+ looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
+
+A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
+ party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
+ forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
+ (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
+ of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
+ lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
+ from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
+ area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
+ of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
+ party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
+ aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
+ removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
+ following steps:
+
+ 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
+ elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
+ any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
+ (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
+ a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
+
+ 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
+ Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
+ ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
+ option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
+ manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
+ statutes.
+
+ 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
+ first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
+ of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
+ installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
+ the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
+ being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
+ direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
+
+ NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
+ the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
+ authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
+ revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
+
+------
+If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
+one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
+------
+BMW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
+island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
+------
+The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
+sins:
+
+1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
+ were guilty.
+
+2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
+
+3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
+
+4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
+ controversial case.
+
+And the list goes on for quite awhile.
+
+The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
+things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
+Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
+panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
+correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St.
+Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
+tell him to go to hell."
+------
+When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
+means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
+feet.
+------
+It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
+pockets.
+------
+A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
+you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
+the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
+------
+I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
+pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
+Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
+------
+
+ WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
+**********************************************************************
+
+ 1300.01 GENERAL
+
+ 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
+ harvest attorneys.
+
+ 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
+ use of currency as bait is prohibited.
+
+ 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
+ accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
+ nearest car wash.
+
+ 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
+ machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
+
+ 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
+ Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
+
+ 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
+ dealerships.
+
+ 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
+ prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
+
+ 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
+ courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
+ ambulances, or hospitals.
+
+ 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
+ felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
+
+ 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
+ inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
+
+ 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
+ reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
+ victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
+ attorneys.
+
+ BAG LIMITS
+
+ 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
+ 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
+ 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
+ 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
+ 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
+ 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
+ 7. Cut-throat 2
+ 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
+ 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
+ 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
+ 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
+
+Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, "The Ultimate
+Lawyers Joke Book" Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
+-----
+
++------------------------------------------------------+
+|"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. |
+| Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx|
++------------------------------------------------------+
+
+
Index: long-options.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: long-options.txt
diff -N long-options.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ long-options.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:01 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,45 @@
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Date: Tue, 19 Nov 91 01:54:30 +0100
+From: address@hidden
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: Re: New poll. PRO MINUS MINUS. ANTI MINUS EQUALS.
+Newsgroups: gnu.announce
+References: <address@hidden>
+
+In gnu.announce R M Stallman wrote:
+
+> `--' as a prefix,
+> `-=' as a prefix,
+
+>* How easy is it to type each of these alternatives.
+
+In the beginning was the UNIX and the UNIX spoke and said "Hello
+world\n". Not did it say "Hello New Jersey\n", nor "Hello USA\n". But
+it said "Hello world\n". For the joy of good computing is not for
+USAmericans alone, but for the whole world to share. And the UNIX saw
+that this was good.
+
+And so says the holy manual, that a USAmerican keyboard layout has
+minus and equals, both unshifted, on two keys next to each other. But
+the book of internationalization of the holy manual says that so is
+not the case in some other countries. For example, says the book of
+internationalization, a Swedish keyboard has minus, unshifted, on the
+key corresponding to USAmerican slash, while the equals, on the same
+keyboard, is typed as a shifted digit zero.
+
+Thus, teaches us the gospel, the sequence "-=" as a prefix for long
+options would be very hard for Swedish computer users (and many others
+world wide) to type.
+
+>* How error-prone are they.
+
+Dunno.
+
+>* How esthetically clean are they.
+
+Of course, the "long minus" ("--") is an ideal prefix for "long
+options". I congratulate the inventor of this idea and hope it wins.
+--
+Lars Aronsson, Lysator computer club, Linkoping University, Sweden
+ address@hidden Voice phone at home +46-13-17 2143
+
Index: look-and-feel.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: look-and-feel.txt
diff -N look-and-feel.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ look-and-feel.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:01 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
+From: address@hidden
+Subject: New Look and Feel case
+To: address@hidden
+Date: Fri, 03 Aug 90 13:01:03 EDT
+
+In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church,
+claiming Catholisism copied the "look and feel" of the religion.
+Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a mono-theistic
+religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh(R), The
+Old Testament(C), and the use of "CH"(tm) for the "H" sound, is suing for 2000
+years of back royalties. They are also asking that the court disallow
+the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all textbooks.
+
+The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokeman from the Vatican
+stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by
+the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the
+separation of church and state. More news as the case develops.
Index: luser-vs-rms.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: luser-vs-rms.txt
diff -N luser-vs-rms.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ luser-vs-rms.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:02 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,27 @@
+Resent-Date: Mon, 02 Aug 93 10:57:21 -0700
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+From: david d `zoo' zuhn <address@hidden>
+Organization: Cygnus Support -- +1 415 903 1434
+To: address@hidden
+Subject:
+Date: Mon, 02 Aug 93 10:57:21 -0700
+Sender: address@hidden
+Resent-From: owner-junk
+Resent-To: junk-people
+Resent-Reply-To: david d `zoo' zuhn <address@hidden>
+
+
+This is great. There are GNU users for whom the name 'rms' is completely
+unknown.
+
+This guy sent in a request for a GUI GDB to the configure mailing list. I
+sent him an answer, and I got this back from him....
+
+ ------- Forwarded Message
+
+ Thanx for the info. By the way I received a rather unfriendly response to
+ the query from a "rms, Richard Stallman" at your site. It sounded like
+ a philistine user, and I'm sorry if my query went to the wrong site, but
+ you might try to have controlled response privileges for such users.
+
+ ------- End of Forwarded Message
Index: microsoft-church.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: microsoft-church.txt
diff -N microsoft-church.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ microsoft-church.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:02 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,118 @@
+MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
+
+By Hank Vorjes
+
+VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square
+this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the
+Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
+exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.
+If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software
+company has acquired a major world religion.
+
+With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
+vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
+Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
+Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
+MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
+
+"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to
+ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the
+Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for
+a broader range of people."
+
+Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we
+will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and
+revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
+indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
+receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without
+leaving your home."
+
+A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
+language which you can program to download heavenly graces
+automatically while you are away from your computer.
+
+An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
+Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
+character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
+broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
+
+Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
+chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,"
+the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
+
+The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and
+the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such
+masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will
+face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
+these key intellectual properties.
+
+"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"
+said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of
+the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came
+on the scene."
+
+But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
+common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
+successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
+theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
+Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
+Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted
+by Christianity, lags behind.
+
+Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
+leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and
+entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms
+whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not
+they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
+denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.
+The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"
+echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every
+home".
+
+Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
+religious architecture that will support all religions through
+emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
+interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple
+of different implementations," said Gates.
+
+The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
+according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
+Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in
+the increasingly competitive religious market.
+
+
+KBviaNewsEDGE
+
+
+Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News
+Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20
+
+THE ABOVE MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED AND SHOULD NOT BE
+REPRODUCED OR DISTRIBUTED.
+
+
+
+And another:
+
+Bill Gates eventually arrives at the the day of judgement.
+
+St. Peter greets him, and explains that while he did contribute a lot of
+money to charities, he also ripped a lot of people off when they were forced
+to pay for his software if they wanted to buy a piece of hardware from a
+store.
+
+St. Peter says that under the circumstances, he will give Gates the choice
+of going to heaven or going to hell, and offers a tour. Gates accepts, and
+first St. peter takes him to heaven. In heaven, Gates sees a very serene
+place, with people discussing philosophy and walking together through a
+wooded landscape.
+
+They then move on to hell. Gates sees a big beach party, with everyone
+fornicating, smoking cigarettes, eating gourmet food, and drinking.
+
+When Gates is asked, he chooses to go to hell, and is immediately plunged
+into a firey furnace with the screams of tortured souls deafening him.
+
+"Hey, St. Pete, what's all this?" screams Gates "Where's the beach party?".
+"Oh, I only showed you the demo version." St.Peter replies.
+
Index: midnight.dreary.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: midnight.dreary.txt
diff -N midnight.dreary.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ midnight.dreary.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:02 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,66 @@
+From: address@hidden (Roy H. Wells)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: The Computer--Nevermore
+Keywords: smirk, computer
+Date: 17 Jul 91 10:30:03 GMT
+Organization: Vitalink Communications, Fremont, California
+
+A friend of mine sent the following to me (apologies to Edgar Allan Poe...)
+
+Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
+System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
+Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
+Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
+Having reached the bottom line,
+I took a floppy from the drawer.
+Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
+But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
+
+Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
+These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
+Carefully, I weighed my options.
+These three seemed to be the top ones.
+Clearly I must now adopt one:
+Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
+
+With my fingers pale and trembling,
+SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
+Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
+Praying for some guarantee
+Finally I pressed a key--
+But on the screen what did I see?
+Again: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
+
+I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
+I pressed again, but twice as hard.
+Luck was just not in the cards.
+I saw what I had seen before.
+Now I typed in desperation
+Trying random combinations
+Still there came the incantation:
+Choose: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
+
+There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
+Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
+And then I saw an awful sight:
+A bold and blinding flash of light--
+A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
+I saw the screen collapse and die
+ROh no--my data base,S I cried
+I thought I heard a voice reply,
+RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S
+
+To this day I do not know
+The place to which lost data goes
+I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
+But as for productivity, well
+I fear that IT goes straight to hell
+And thatUs the tale I have to tell
+Your choice: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
+
+--
+Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
+
+Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
+time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Index: more-shit.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: more-shit.txt
diff -N more-shit.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ more-shit.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:03 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,157 @@
+Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 20:10:03 -0800
+From: address@hidden (Paul Rubin)
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: OLD JOKE: Shit Happens... (shouldn't there be more on Scientology?)
(fwd)
+Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
+In-Reply-To: <address@hidden>
+Organization: Netcom On-Line Services
+
+Most of this is not very good shit, but it's the most extensive
+heap I've seen so far... -phr
+
+------- start of forwarded message -------
+Path:
ix.netcom.com!newsfeeds.sol.net!nntp.uio.no!uninett.no!online.no!not-for-mail
+From: address@hidden (Andreas Heldal-Lund)
+Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
+Subject: OLD JOKE: Shit Happens... (shouldn't there be more on Scientology?)
+Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997 02:59:03 GMT
+Organization: Operation Clambake
+Lines: 1011
+Message-ID: <address@hidden>
+NNTP-Posting-Host: stavanger960.online.no
+X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/32.230
+
+CANONICAL: Shit Happens...
+
+
+
+Summary: Shit Happens
+Keywords: shit happens religion canonical rama-rama
+
+
+Send additions, corrections, etc. to address@hidden
+Send flames, insults, death threats, etc. to /dev/null
+This list includes the creative contributions of many members of
+the Usenet community. Their contributions are gratefully
+acknowledged.
+Version 1.25
+
+
+Have YOU ever wondered just WHY shit happens to you? Well,
+you're not alone. People have wondered about this fundamental
+question for many ages, and everyone seems to have a different
+theory. So, for your reading enjoyment, we have here a massive
+collection of various ways in which people have tried to
+explain why shit happens:
+
+==============================================================================
+
+ SHIT HAPPENS
+
+ in various world religions
+ --------------------------
+
+Taoism: Shit happens.
+ If you can shit, it isn't shit.
+ Shit happens, so flow with it.
+
+Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
+ She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
+ she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with
+she-it)
+ Please this flower and buy our shit.
+
+Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
+ Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
+ PROPERLY."
+
+Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
+ If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
+ Shit will happen again to you next time.
+ Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
+ have salvation.
+
+Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
+ First, shit was shit.
+ Then it wasn't.
+ Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.
+
+7th Day Adventism:
+ Shit happens on Saturdays.
+
+Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
+ This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
+ This shit happening IS you.
+
+Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else!
+ If shit happens, praise the lord for it.
+
+Presbyterianism:
+ This shit was bound to happen.
+
+Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
+
+Episcopalianism:
+ If shit happens, hold a procession.
+ It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve
+ the right wine with it.
+
+Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve
+ grape juice with it
+
+Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
+ Have faith that shit will happen.
+ If shit happens, don't talk about it.
+
+Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
+
+Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
+ Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
+
+Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
+ You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die
+ shit.
+
+Charismatic Catholicism:
+ Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love
+ you anyway.
+
+Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the
+ deal?
+
+Conservative Judaism:
+ Why does shit always happen to US?
+
+Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
+ Shit happens to whom it may concern.
+
+Orthodox Judaism:
+ So shit happens, already!
+
+Islam: We don't take any shit.
+
+Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
+ better submit!
+ Shiite happens.
+
+Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
+ If shit happens, take a hostage.
+
+Nation of Islam:
+ Don't take no shit!
+
+Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
+ Shit happens universally.
+ All shit is truly shit.
+
+New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
+ Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.
+ This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
+ I create my own shit.
+ Visualize shit happening...
+
+Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
+ The Goddess makes shit happen.
+ An it harm none, let shit happen.
+
+Jehovah's Witness
\ No newline at end of file
Index: musical-pickup.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: musical-pickup.txt
diff -N musical-pickup.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ musical-pickup.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:03 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,35 @@
+Path:
mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!yale!gumby!destroyer!uunet!sun-barr!ames!lll-winken!looking!funny-request
+From: address@hidden (JANE R. RING)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: Musical Pick-up puns
+Keywords: pun, smirk, original, sexual
+Message-ID: <address@hidden>
+Date: 12 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT
+Lines: 25
+Approved: address@hidden
+
+A pick-up expressed in musical terms:
+
+ hymn (the guy)
+ bar line (where he meets her)
+ sax (what he wants)
+ suite (what he says she is)
+ sheet music (what she puts on the CD player in her room)
+ sol-fa (what they lie down on)
+ "Triad!" (he suggests tying her up with a major chord)
+ "Duet!" (her answer)
+ staff (what he pulls out next)
+ score (what he does)
+ no treble (what he's had)
+ a trill (what he assumes she's had)
+ a C note (what she hopes for)
+ forte (what she's willing to accept)
+ a tenor (what he ends up paying)
+ "Bass!" (what she calls him)
+ "Pitch!" (what he calls her)
+
+ Amities, Jane
+--
+Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
+If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to address@hidden instead.
Index: networkologist.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: networkologist.txt
diff -N networkologist.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ networkologist.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:03 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,70 @@
+Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 18:55:41 -0500
+From: v3.1 <A.Networkologist'address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: A different Visit from St. Nicholas
+
+A Networkologist's Christmas (v3.1)
+
+" 'Tis the night before Christmas," , I thought with a frown.
+I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
+The routers were hung in the closet, all crashed.
+Their tables had holes in their data, all trashed.
+Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
+had erased DLLs Windows needed to run,
+on 84 desktops, way down in accounting.
+I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
+When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
+I saw that a server had something the matter.
+There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
+"No problem," I thought, "I'm set up with RAID 5.".
+But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
+had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
+"No problem," I thought, "I've tape backup to thank.".
+And then I discovered my backups were blank.
+The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
+I started to scream! I started to shout!
+But nobody heard as I vented my rage,
+my gurus were all on vacation those days,
+and nobody's tech support answered the phone.
+I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone,
+when out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
+As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock...
+"What's your problem?", he asked,
+"Never mind, friend, I know.
+I checked out your network five hours ago.
+I did some proactive analysis, so
+I knew that this time bomb was going to blow."
+Who was this guy? Who did he think that he was?
+He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
+His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
+His smile cut down personal distance between us.
+He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
+"Whoever configured this network's a jerk.",
+he said with a :-)> as he quickly rebooted,
+uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
+the LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
+with bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
+that went via wireless, I think, LEO,
+to tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
+"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!",
+He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
+"Cheer up, my good friend!
+Lose that mindset so tragic!
+Technology often looks just like some magic
+To people who don't understand what we do.
+Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
+Look at the protocols, check one or two,
+Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
+My data was back! Every system checked out!
+Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
+"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"
+He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
+If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
+And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING."
+And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
+"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"
+ -by Timothy Haight
+
+
+
Index: p5.delay.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: p5.delay.txt
diff -N p5.delay.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ p5.delay.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:04 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,57 @@
+From mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!looking!funny-request Tue Jul
28 14:11:47 EDT 1992
+Article: 771 of rec.humor.funny
+Path: mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!looking!funny-request
+From: address@hidden (Paul Israel)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: Top Ten Reasons for P5 delays
+Keywords: topical, original, computer, chuckle
+Message-ID: <address@hidden>
+Date: 28 Jul 92 07:20:09 GMT
+Lines: 43
+Approved: address@hidden
+
+
+ This is an original from me. Honest.
+
+
+ Top Ten Reasons Why Intel Delayed Announcing the P5
+
+ 10. Ad managers wanted time to think up a better name
+ for "MESI" cache coherency.
+
+ 9. Hoped to outfox AMD this time by waiting for them to
+ release their 'P5' first.
+
+ 8. Still trying to figure out how to mount a 3 foot high
+ cooling tower on a 2" square package.
+
+ 7. Marketing's prediction that all of IBM's top executives
+ would be killed by space aliens, followed by IBM engineering's
+ insistence on a return to an Intel strategy, did not appear
+ to pan out.
+
+ 6. Sales force needs to be retrained to sell a processor
+ that doesn't end in "86".
+
+ 5. Can never seem to squeeze in enough byte enables.
+
+ 4. Military insisted at the last minute on 8080 compatability
+ mode.
+
+ 3. New "Break on stupid code" exception not popular with
+ programmers.
+
+ 2. All those millions of dollars in processor R&D were
+ cutting into the CEO's Christmas bonus.
+
+ 1. Needed to hire more lawyers first.
+
+--
+Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
+
+Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
+joke about XXX?" Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
+a joke server I would spend all day doing it. I reject all such requests.
+
+
Index: paging.game.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: paging.game.txt
diff -N paging.game.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ paging.game.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:04 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,112 @@
+<HTML>
+<TITLE>The Paging Game [rec.humor.funny]</TITLE>
+<H1 align=center>The Paging Game</H1>
+<CENTER><ADDRESS>address@hidden (Paul Sander)<BR>
+</ADDRESS><FONT size=-1>(computer, chuckle)<BR>
+<cite>From the <a href=http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/>rec.humor.funny</a> joke
archives.<p></cite>
+</FONT></CENTER><P>
+<P><XMP>
+[I got this from my uncle, who works at one of IBM's Silicon Valley labs. I
+don't where he got it.]
+
+ THE PAGING GAME
+ Jeff Berryman, University of British Columbia
+
+ 1. Each player gets several million "things."
+
+ 2. Things are kept in "crates" that hold 512 things each. Things in the
+ same crate are called "crate-mates."
+
+ 3. Crates are stored either in the "workshop" or a "warehouse." The
+ workshop is almost always too small to hold all the crates.
+
+ 4. There is only one workshop but there may be several warehouses.
+ Everybody shares them.
+
+ 5. Each thing has its own "thing number."
+
+ 6. What you do with a ting is to "zark" it. Everybody takes turns zarking.
+
+ 7. You can only zark your things, not anybody else's.
+
+ 8. Things can only be zarked when they are in the workshop.
+
+ 9. Only the "Thing King" knows whether a thing is in the workshop or in a
+ warehouse.
+
+10. The longer a thing goes without being zarked, the "grubbier" it is said
+ to become.
+
+11. The way you get things is to ask the Thing King. He only gives out
+ things in multiples of eight. This is to keep the royal overhead down.
+
+12. The way you zark a thing is to give its thing number. If you give the
+ number of a thing that happens to be in the workshop it gets zarked
+ right away. If it is in a warehouse, the Thing King packs the crate
+ containing your thing back into the workshop. If there is no room in
+ the workshop, he first finds the grubbiest crate in the workshop,
+ whether it be yours or somebody else's, and packs it off with all its
+ crate-mates to a warehouse. In its place he puts the crate containing
+ your thing. Your thing then gets zarked and you never knew that it
+ wasn't in the workshop all along.
+
+13. Each player's stock of things have the same numbers as everybody else's.
+ The Thing King always knows who owns what thing and whose turn it is, so
+ you can't ever accidentally zark somebody else's thing even if it has
+ the same thing number as one of yours.
+
+
+ Notes
+
+1. Traditionally, the Thing King sits at a large, segmented table and is
+ attended to by pages (the so-called "table pages") whose job it is to
+ help the king remember where all the things are and who they belong to.
+
+2. One consequence of Rule 13 is that everybody's thing numbers will be
+ similar from game to game, regardless of the number of players.
+
+3. The Thing King has a few things of his own, some of which move back and
+ forth between workshop and warehouse just like anybody else's, but some
+ of which are just too heavy to move out of the workshop.
+
+4. With the given set of rules, oft-zarked things tend to get kept mostly
+ in the workshop while little-used things stay mostly in a warehouse.
+ This is efficient stock control.
+
+5. Sometimes even warehouses get full. The Thing King then has to start
+ piling things on the dump out back. This makes the game slower because
+ it takes a long time to get things off the dump when they are needed in
+ the workshop. A forthcoming change in the rules will allow the Thing
+ King to select the grubbiest things in the warehouses and send them to
+ the dump in his spare time, thus keeping the warehouses from getting too
+ full. This means that the most infrequently-zarked things will end up
+ so the Thing King won't have to get things from the dump so often. This
+ should speed up the game when there are a lot of players and the
+ warehouses are getting full.
+
+ LONG LIVE THE THING KING
+
+
+[The following appear to have been added later, as they were typed in a
+different font.]
+
+Notes:
+
+1. The VM Thing King is considerably stronger than the Thing King of the
+ system described above. He uses crates containing 4096 things.
+
+2. Recently the Thing King has tired of carrying crates back and forth
+ between the warehouse and the workshop one at a time and has purchased
+ a forklift. When it is someone else's turn to zark their things, the
+ Thing King stacks the grubbiest of your crates on his forklift and
+ hauls them to the warehouse. The warehouse is too small for the forklift
+ to do much maneuvering, so once a stack of crates has been taken to the
+ warehouse it can't be unstacked without bringing it into workshop. This
+ means if you want to zark a thing which is stacked in the warehouse the
+ whole stack of crates must be brought into the workshop. While this
+ might appear to generate a lot of unnecessary crate traffic, it is more
+ than offset by the reduction in the number of trips necessary.
+
+{ed From _Multing_ Magazine}
+</XMP><HR><CENTER><P> <CITE><a href=/rhf/best.html>Browse the Best of RHF</a>,
courtesy of the <img align=center src=/Gifs/narrow.gif><a
href=http://www.clari.net>ClariNet</a> e.News</CITE> </P></CENTER>
+</XMP>
Index: panama.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: panama.txt
diff -N panama.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ panama.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:04 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+[ From: address@hidden (Don Levinstone), Elizabeth,
+ address@hidden (Peter Cohen) ]
+
+A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, hero's rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe,
+percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a cat, a mane, paper, a
+Toyota, rep, a pen, a mat, a can, a tag, a banana bag again, or: a camel,
+a crepe, pins, spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a
+canal, Panama!
+
+For numerically/verbally challenged folks, the split happens at the y in
+Toyota...
Index: pasta.code.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: pasta.code.txt
diff -N pasta.code.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ pasta.code.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:05 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,30 @@
+ Letter to the Editor
+ CROSSTALK, Journal of Defense Software Engineering
+
+ The mention of "a feast of spaghetti code" ("Computer Collectives",
CrossTalk,
+April/May 1992) prompted this response:
+
+ Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a
+pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible
+to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two
+elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
+
+ Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable,
+and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately
+monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually
+simple, is often very difficult in actual practice.
+
+ The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and
+loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli
+code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat
+or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced
+without significantly affecting other components.
+
+ We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active
+encouragement of ravioli code.
+
+ Raymond J. Rubey
+ SoftTech, Inc.
+ 3100 Presidential Drive
+ Fairborn, OH 45324
+ Voice: 513-429-8291
Index: phone.features.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: phone.features.txt
diff -N phone.features.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ phone.features.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:05 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,79 @@
+>Date: Wed, 12 Jun 91 16:48:17 EDT
+>From: don (Don Levinstone)
+>To: bunky dan elf fredm geoff gerry joanne kevin maggie pamela rick stormy wse
+>Subject: fyi: leisure-time reading only. Phone Joke
+
+Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the
+ground if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone...
+
+ Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
+
+ Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you
+ would like to leave a message for Watson, press 2. If
+ you need further assistance, hold the line for the next
+ available representative....
+
+The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply
+placing and receiving calls, has become a different animal in
+recent years. These days, everybody has an answering machine, a
+speakerphone, and a slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call
+waiting, caller ID, and last-number redial are fine, but here are
+some options that can't be far behind.
+
+ ON-HOLD DISRUPT: When someone puts you on hold for more than
+ 15 seconds, a digitized voice blares over his or her
+ speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have all day!" (This
+ option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.)
+
+ CALL SCHMOOZING: Stuck listening to a long-winded
+ acquaintance? Call schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized
+ voice that sounds just like you and repeats "Uh-huh...I
+ see...right" while the other party babbles on. He or she
+ thinks you're hanging on every word, when you're actually
+ getting your work done.
+
+ CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS: Your phone places calls to important
+ contacts, trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing
+ information, and ends by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do
+ lunch. Don't ever change."
+
+ GOSSIP NOTIFICATION: Company rumors are automatically
+ broadcast to selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted
+ circulating gossip translates into increased productivity.
+
+ CALL TERMINATE: Imagine being able to fire troublesome
+ employees just by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature
+ for executives with poor confrontation skills.
+
+ NETWORK EAVESDROP: A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever
+ anyone in the company mentions your name during a phone
+ conversation, a voice-activated tape-recorder stores the call
+ so you can review it later and hear what people are saying
+ about you.
+
+ SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING: Program the numbers of people
+ you really don't want to speak with. When they dial your
+ number, your phone transmits a mild electric shock through
+ their receivers.
+
+ CELLULAR CRANK CALL: On command, your car phone can dial any
+ other car phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver
+ his muffler looks as though it's about to fall off.
+
+ CALL REMINDING: Store the birthdays and anniversaries of
+ loved ones in your telephone's memory. On the appropriate
+ days, the phone automatically calls them and relays heartfelt
+ sentiments in a digitized voice simulating your own.
+
+ CALL INTERRUPT: When you need to end a conversation quickly,
+ a button on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and
+ announce that you have an emergency call on the line from
+ Steve Jobs.
+
+ SUBLIMINA-CALL: Periodically during a conversation, the phone
+ plays subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say
+ yes" and "Increase my department's budget."
+
+ CHARGE-FORWARDING: A quick push of a button charges any long-
+ distance call to the person you're calling or to friends who
+ don't look too closely at their phone bills.
Index: physics.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: physics.txt
diff -N physics.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ physics.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:05 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,65 @@
+From: address@hidden
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: Physics supply store
+Keywords: science, smirk, original
+Date: 5 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT
+
+
+
+ ACME PHYSICS SUPPLY SHOPPE
+-------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+Frictionless Surfaces only $4.95 per square meter!
+
+Inextensible Massless Rope only $1.99 per meter!
+
+Point Masses only $1.39 per kilogram!
+
+Massless, Zero-Volume Paint
+ --Perfect for labeling those *** SOLD OUT ***
+ pesky electrons so you can
+ keep them straight!
+
+Frictionless Pulleys only $2.00 ea.
+
+Massless Pulleys only $4.49 ea.
+
+Frictionless, Massless Pulleys regularly $10.00, now only
+ $7.49 !
+
+Ideal Springs $.75 and up
+
+Ideal Gas
+ -monatomic $5.00 per liter *
+ -diatomic $7.50 per liter *
+ -triatomic $10.00 per liter *
+
+* plus deposit on container. All gases delivered at STP.
+
+Magnetic Monopoles $1.25 ea.
+ --Great Party Jokes!
+ Thousands of Possibilities!
+ Annoy that theoretician in your family!
+
+Perfect Voltmeter only $99.99
+
+Perfect Ammeter only $159.99
+
+Special Sale:
+ Buy Ammeter, get Voltmeter for half price!
+
+700 W Perfect Refrigerator only $899.99
+
+Zero-Resistance Wire
+ --Various guages available, inquire as to price and/or availability
+
+
+
+An original idea by B. Bacher, with a bit of help from a few friends...
+
+--
+Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+
+If you mail to address@hidden, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
+as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
+attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
Index: power.users.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: power.users.txt
diff -N power.users.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ power.users.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:06 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,175 @@
+From: address@hidden (Richard Murnane)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: Power Users
+Keywords: original, funny, computer
+Date: 29 Sep 91 10:30:04 GMT
+
+Hi Brad,
+
+Here's an original submission for rec.humor.funny, based on my
+perceptions of so-called "power users". I haven't used the phrase
+"_Real_ Power Users" in the text, because, in my opinion, the only
+Real Power Users are Real Programmers (tm) :-) Enjoy.
+
+-Richard
+
+
+ THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
+
+Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
+petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
+contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
+receipt, to claim against tax.
+
+Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
+in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
+Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
+manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
+and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
+had...
+
+Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
+for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
+first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
+they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
+a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
+word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
+
+Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
+100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
+
+ - to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
+ of their mortgage repayments;
+
+ - to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
+ unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
+ they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
+ hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
+ different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
+ revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
+ in the most politically acceptable manner), and
+
+ - to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
+ realised are infected with a virus.
+
+Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
+personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
+Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
+to your room!"
+
+Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
+the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
+playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
+money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
+budget for the next three years.
+
+Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
+and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
+Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
+again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
+will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
+Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
+originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
+yuck!)
+
+Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
+turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
+I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
+
+Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
+nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
+left the printer off-line.
+
+Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
+why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
+quarter report is due tomorrow.
+
+In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
+Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
+Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
+Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
+accounting software for Power Users.)
+
+Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
+out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
+
+Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
+set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
+in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
+User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
+on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
+how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
+long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
+ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
+how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
+of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
+about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
+
+Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
+in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
+on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
+
+Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
+banner.
+
+The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
+cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
+this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
+
+Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
+
+Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
+their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
+their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
+
+When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
+and race it around the desk.
+
+Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
+saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
+
+Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
+so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
+They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
+conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
+earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
+Support to have the problem rectified.
+
+Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
+come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
+a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
+switching between programs.
+
+Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
+applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
+
+Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
+built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
+
+Power Users believe computer salesmen.
+
+Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
+about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
+the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
+
+Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
+pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
+tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
+induce labour when she's late.
+
+Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
+it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
+September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
+Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
+
+Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
+packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
+their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
+
+
+--
+Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
+
+Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
+time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Index: purchase.agreement.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: purchase.agreement.txt
diff -N purchase.agreement.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ purchase.agreement.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:06 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,57 @@
+Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
+
+
+ AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
+
+This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor
+workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged,
+return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion.
+No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied
+including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of
+Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency.
+Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is
+assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have
+assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written
+communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come
+whimpering back to me if it bounces.
+
+The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my
+property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed
+to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor
+are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither
+may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may
+have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm
+going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
+
+This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the
+equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of
+your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The
+location of your version of this or any other covenant between us
+is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains,
+and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even
+though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours
+said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede
+yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
+
+You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to
+me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however,
+you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly
+accept these terms by:
+
+1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
+
+2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
+
+3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
+
+4) Using any toilet or rest room.
+
+Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy.
+Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks
+back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal
+expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for
+any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be
+punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or
+all three.
+
+Thank you and have a nice day!
Index: quayle.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: quayle.txt
diff -N quayle.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ quayle.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:06 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,87 @@
+Newsgroups: talk.rumors
+From: address@hidden (Charlie Channel)
+Subject: Dan Quayle Attacks the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety
+Organization: Stanford U
+Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 15:48:24 GMT
+
+At the dinner table last night, my son said that Dan Quayle attacked
+Warner Bros., specificially the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny.
+
+''The Road Runner,'' said Quayle, ''consistently and flagarantly flaunts
+disregard for the law. Such a role model send the wrong message to
+minds that are in formation. In fact, the Road Runner continually
+attacks both family values and societal values. Kids run around the
+house where they ought not and grow up into adults that disregard red
+lights, stop signs and paying taxes. And that Hollywood conspiracy,
+for the sake of the almighty dollars, is driving the country into the
+ground. Do you wonder why Rodney King tried to run?''
+
+Quayle also said, ''The important lessons of life are that a person can
+do those things and not get caught. Wiley Coyote, who personifies the
+establishment, the police authorities and servants of the executive
+branch of the government, never catches the Road Runner. He's always
+running off a cliff and walking on air, until he notices he has
+exceeded the capacities of human common sense. It's only after he
+becomes aware of what others are so accutely knowledgeable about that
+he succumbs to the laws of gravity. So, despite his best attempts to
+bring the Road Runner to justice, to do what's right, to make a plan
+work, he fails. That is not the sort of morality Hollywood ought to
+be teaching our kids.''
+
+One reporter in the audience prefaced a question about Bugs Bunny with
+the comment that televised cartoons should have no place in political
+discussions or the six o'clock news. Unfortunately, Dan Quayle did not
+permit him to finish and began a tyrade against Bugs.
+
+''There's nobody more dispicable than Bugs Bunny,'' he yelled. ''The
+common theme of denigrating authority, taking other people's property
+and generally being a culprit in destruction and mayhem is evident.''
+
+''I abhor the violence,'' he continued, ''because Bugs Bunny is actually
+a threat to civil order. In fact, he's outright seditious. Moreover,
+he makes the police look like idiots. What do you think it means when
+Elmer Fudd, who really represents law and order, attempts to level a
+shot gun at the rabbit and the rabbit shoves two carrots down the
+barrel. You know what happens when Elmer pulls the trigger? A good
+Republican is made to look like a fool, that's what!''
+
+John Carman, a reporter for the S.F. Chronicle, commented that
+he didn't know Elmer was a Republican. The whispered comment was
+heard by Quayle, who addressed the issue.
+
+''That's not the point,'' said Quayle. ''The point is family values
+are under attack, as are society values and political values. That's
+not the sort of thing anybody, any law abiding American citizen,
+should be teaching kids . . . I don't care how established, how
+profitable, and how legitimate the business.''
+
+''I was only joking,'' said Carman.
+
+''It's no joke,'' replied Quayle, ''when you look at the pattern of
+things. Yosemite Sam, for example, another good, upstanding, law and
+order kind of guy. Positive role model. But, what do you think
+happens whenever he has a confrontation with the Bugs? The conspiracy
+is evident to even a casual observer.''
+
+''The media has a bias,'' Quayle continued. ''It's a liberal
+establishment favoring the Democrats. There's no doubt about that.''
+
+''Prove it,'' a heckler shounted, ''you've got 4 more months.''
+
+''Clearly,'' Quayle yelled, ''Jerry Brown and the Democrats
+always comes out on top. All you have to do is see how Sylvester fares
+when he attempts to catch Tweety, that little affectedly effete
+yellow bird. Don't think for a minute I don't know who Tweety is.''
+
+Then Quayle, looking at the audience said, "You owe me, Bugs. You owe
+me!"
+
+I asked my 18 year old son what he made of all that.
+
+''I think Mr. Quayle still watches too much TV.''
+
+Next Saturday morning, TV news crews will be in homes and bars around
+the country filming and taping millions of Americans sitting down,
+staring at their TV's, looking like they're looking at a god,
+transfixed, waiting to see how the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety will
+respond. Stay tooned!
Index: quotations.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: quotations.txt
diff -N quotations.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ quotations.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:07 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,143 @@
+BABYL OPTIONS:
+Version: 5
+Labels:
+Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
+Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
+Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
+
+1,,
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Received: from altdorf.ai.mit.edu (CHAMARTIN.AI.MIT.EDU) by life.ai.mit.edu
(4.1/AI-4.10) id AA02183; Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:46:42 EST
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+Received: by altdorf.ai.mit.edu
+ (15.11/15.6) id AA22717; Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
+Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
+From: "Guillermo J. Rozas" <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: address@hidden: [BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957:
priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI]]
+Reply-To: address@hidden
+
+*** EOOH ***
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
+From: "Guillermo J. Rozas" <address@hidden>
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: address@hidden: [BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957:
priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI]]
+Reply-To: address@hidden
+
+Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 10:29:54 EST
+From: address@hidden
+
+
+------- Forwarded Message
+
+Return-Path: address@hidden
+Received: by crltrx.crl.dec.com; id AA18684; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:57:26 -0500
+Received: by easynet.crl.dec.com; id AA09825; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:27 -0500
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+Received: from xanadu.enet; by crl.enet; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:28 EST
+Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:28 EST
+From: BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957 <address@hidden>
+To: mail11:;@easynet.crl.dec.com (@[bock.work]ad-ers)
+Subject: priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI
+
+ "Britain is not an island...well, yes it is, but..."
+
+ - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
+ - from Mark Saxby (Reading, England)
+
+ "The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
+ to be surprised."
+
+ - US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
+ - from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)
+
+ "President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
+ minutes precisely."
+
+ - Peter Jennings, ABC News
+ - from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)
+
+ "Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
+ around, unlike fixed launchers."
+
+ - Katie Coucik, NBC News
+ - from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
+
+ "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
+ a moment."
+
+ - Tom Brokaw, NBC News
+ - from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
+
+ "We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
+ object sticking out of his chest".
+
+ - Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
+ cited in National Lampoon calendar
+ - from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
+
+ "The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
+ at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."
+
+ - Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
+ - from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
+
+ "Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
+ their 18th birthday."
+
+ - Sign in a US Post Office
+ - from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
+
+ "This door must not be opened under any circumstances."
+
+ - Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
+ - from C. N. Kumar (Karnaraka, India)
+
+ "We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
+
+ - Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
+ - from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
+
+ "Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time."
+
+ - Ellen Kushner on "Caravan", WGBH radio,
+ Boston
+ - from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)
+
+ "It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified
+ performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
+ system."
+
+ - Request for Quotation from unidentified
+ prospective client
+ - from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
+
+ "President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush."
+
+ _ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
+ - from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)
+
+ "Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
+ none had heard of RISC"
+
+ - Digital Marketing Study
+ - from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
+
+ "Sir James Spicer...has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
+ Valley First School near Dorchester."
+
+ - VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
+ - from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
+
+ "Tensions in Latvia...are tense..."
+
+ - WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
+ - from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)
+
+
+------- End of Forwarded Message
+
+
+
+
\ No newline at end of file
Index: rectium.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: rectium.txt
diff -N rectium.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ rectium.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:07 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,50 @@
+INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR FOR TRULY PERSONAL COMPUTING
+1 April 1993
+
+Intel Corp. today announced a new line of low-power high performance
+microprocessors for a entirely new concept in "personal" computing. The
+new processors, codenamed "Rectium", are designed to actually fit the
+appropriate body cavity for "Computing Anywhere, Anytime", according to
+Fred Burfl, Vice President for New Product Locations at Intel. "We
+figured that with our 'Intel Inside' advertising campaign, which has
+high consumer awareness, we couldn't lose!".
+
+Within six months, a high-performance co-processor will also be made
+available. Implemented in Gallium Arsenide technology, the co-processor
+is tentatively code-named "Rectium GaAs". A new high-speed communications
+bus based on a proprietary "Fast Aerodynamic Regional Transport" protocol
+will take performance to new heights.
+
+Intel officials suggest that the chips will be ideally suited for
+back-end processing applications.
+
+
+Reaction on Wall Street was mixed. PepsiCo (owner of the Taco Bell
+restaurant chain) gained an eighth, to close at 82 7/8, after announcing
+a strong commitment to the new GaAs technology. Ralston-Purina (maker
+of Bean-o) fell an eighth, to 50 5/8.
+INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR FOR TRULY PERSONAL COMPUTING
+1 April 1993
+
+Intel Corp. today announced a new line of low-power high performance
+microprocessors for a entirely new concept in "personal" computing. The
+new processors, codenamed "Rectium", are designed to actually fit the
+appropriate body cavity for "Computing Anywhere, Anytime", according to
+Fred Burfl, Vice President for New Product Locations at Intel. "We
+figured that with our 'Intel Inside' advertising campaign, which has
+high consumer awareness, we couldn't lose!".
+
+Within six months, a high-performance co-processor will also be made
+available. Implemented in Gallium Arsenide technology, the co-processor
+is tentatively code-named "Rectium GaAs". A new high-speed communications
+bus based on a proprietary "Fast Aerodynamic Regional Transport" protocol
+will take performance to new heights.
+
+Intel officials suggest that the chips will be ideally suited for
+back-end processing applications.
+
+
+Reaction on Wall Street was mixed. PepsiCo (owner of the Taco Bell
+restaurant chain) gained an eighth, to close at 82 7/8, after announcing
+a strong commitment to the new GaAs technology. Ralston-Purina (maker
+of Bean-o) fell an eighth, to 50 5/8.
Index: religions.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: religions.txt
diff -N religions.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ religions.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:07 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,157 @@
+
+ A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
+
+
+TAOISM Shit happens.
+
+CONFUCIANISM Confucius say, "shit happens".
+
+CALVINISM Shit happens because you don't work
+ hard enough.
+
+BUDDHISM If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
+
+SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST No shit on Saturdays.
+
+ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?
+
+HEDONISM There's nothing like a good shit happening.
+
+HINDUISM This shit happened before.
+
+MORMON This shit is going to happen again.
+
+ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
+
+MOONIES Only happy shit really happens.
+
+STOICISM This shit is good for me.
+
+PROTESTANISM Let the shit happen to someone else.
+
+CATHOLICISM Shit happens because you are BAD.
+
+HARE KRISHNA Shit happens rama rama.
+
+JUDAISM Why does this shit always happen to us?
+
+ZOROASTRIANISM Shit happens half the time.
+
+CHRISTIAN SCIENCE Shit is in your mind.
+
+ATHEISM Sheeit.
+
+EXISTENTIALISM What is shit anyway?
+
+RASTAFARIANISM Let's smoke this shit.
+
+
+A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
+VOLUME II
+
+
+TAOISM: If you can shit, it isn't shit.
+
+HINDUISM: This shit isn't a religion, it's the way of life.
+
+CHARISMATIC Shit is happening because you deserve it, but
+CATHOLICISM: we love you anyway.
+
+REFORM JUDAISM: Got any laxatives?
+
+NEWAGE: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
+ A firm shit does not happen to me.
+ This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
+ I create my own shit.
+
+EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
+
+WICCA: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
+
+JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon.
+
+SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
+
+CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
+
+ATHEISM: It look and smells like shit, so I'll be damned if
+ if I'm going to taste it.
+
+
+RELIGION FROM AN I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it,
+ATHEIST'S POINT OF VIEW but I know it's shit.
+
+
+RASTAFARIAN: Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
+
+MORMON: Hey, there's more shit over here!
+
+UNITARIANISM: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
+
+IRAQI BAATHIST: Oh shit!
+
+VOODOO: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped
+ it on you.
+
+TELEVANGELISM: Your tax-deductible donation could make this
+ shit stop happening.
+
+AGNOSTICISM: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't
+ tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit
+ or not.
+
+
+.PA
+In other various ways....
+
+
+YUPPIE SHIT: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
+
+AN EMPLOYER: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
+
+HEISENBERGISM: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
+
+NIXONISM: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know
+ anything about it.
+
+COMMUNISM: It's everybody's shit.
+
+CAPITALISM: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
+
+
+
+A FUNNY AND INTERESTING STORY OF WHERE
+PEOPLE LOOK FOR ANSWERS, EVERYWHERE EXCEPT
+WHERE THE ANSWERS REALLY ARE...
+
+New-Age-Astral-Vibration Rap
+by Steve Webber
+
+I was having an out-of-body experience so I grounded myself and got
+centered with the help of my spirit guide, then I almost astral
+traveled but the phone rang and I sensed the negative vibrations so I
+checked my numerology chart and almost had a primal but my energy was
+blocked so I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting and had some
+flower essences with oat bran ginseng muffins but my inner child wasn't
+being nurtured so I had some frozen yogurt that made me hyper so I did
+the relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tape but I was
+feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, a
+past life regression, rebirthed myself and made an appointment for a
+shiatsu, reiki, rolfing, Feldenkrais, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue
+massage but I needed to energize my crystals and do some positive
+imagery because my visualization techniques and affirmations made my
+space feel invaded so to get empowered I got a psychic reading around
+the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have
+energy for my psychocalisthenics and my inversion swing before my
+harmonic brain wave synergy session which makes me more focused for my
+actualization seminar and holistic healing class and dream workshop so
+I'm clear for my Gestalt/behavioral/cognitive/transpersonal/Reichian/
+Jungian/Freudian/Ericksonian session but my aura is weak for my
+channeling group so I'll fast till noon to recharge my chakras and I
+sense my intuition is high and my cycle is focused so I'll turn on my
+ion generator to open up for my neuro-linguistic programming but I
+need to have my pyramid balanced before my guided synchronicity
+meditation so my cranio sacral therapy aligns me for the fire-walk
+after my tarot reading but I need a meaningful relationship to mirror
+myself so I'll go to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo
+Symposium Seminar Workshop to find someone who is real.
Index: science.facts.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: science.facts.txt
diff -N science.facts.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ science.facts.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:07 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,123 @@
+The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
+exams, and class room discussions; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders.
+They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
+information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
+
+Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
+energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
+
+You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
+getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
+
+Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
+
+The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
+
+When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
+But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
+
+Clouds are high flying fogs.
+
+When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
+planets do it we say they are orbiting.
+
+Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
+
+While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is
+really only centrificating.
+
+Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
+
+South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
+
+Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
+into a sun in the daytime.
+
+Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
+between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
+south.
+
+A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
+
+There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
+Finding them all means living forever.
+
+There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of
+so much population stomping around up there these days.
+
+Lime is a green-tasting rock.
+
+Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
+oil.
+
+Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
+
+Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
+there.
+
+Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
+sometimes it's brother against brother.
+
+Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
+been able to make out the numbers.
+
+We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
+blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
+
+To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions
+are things that are still all mixed up.
+
+In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
+many H's as O's.
+
+I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that
+is the important thing.
+
+Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around. And around. There is not
+much else to do.
+
+Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a
+drop, it does.
+
+When there is fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
+
+Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
+
+We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
+
+In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
+
+When rain water strikes forest fires, it heckstingwishes them. Luckily it
+affects we of the humans unlike that.
+
+Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
+
+Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
+
+In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
+
+Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the
+strongest man.
+
+A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
+
+A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
+
+A monsoon is a French gentleman.
+
+A thunderstorm is like a shower, only moreso.
+
+Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
+
+Isotherms and isobars are even more important that their names sound.
+
+It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live
+other places.
+
+The wind is like the air, only pushier.
+
+Question: In what ways are we dependant on the sun? Answer: We can always
+depend on the sun for sunburn and tidal waves.
+
+Until it is decided whether tornadoes are typhoons or hurricanes, we must
+continue to call them tornadoes.
Index: shit-happens.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: shit-happens.txt
diff -N shit-happens.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ shit-happens.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:08 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,101 @@
+ SHIT HAPPENS
+ in various world religions
+
+
+TAOISM: Shit happens.
+
+CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
+
+ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
+
+JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
+
+ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
+
+CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
+
+PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
+
+SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
+
+ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
+
+UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
+
+RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
+
+JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
+
+REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
+
+MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
+
+AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
+
+ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!
+
+NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
+
+AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
+
+QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.
+
+FORTEANISM: No shit??
+
+12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
+
+VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
+
+NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
+
+DEISM: Shit just happens.
+
+EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
+
+SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
+
+CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
+
+BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
+
+SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
+
+HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
+
+WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
+
+HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
+
+THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
+
+DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
+
+SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
+
+JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
+
+MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
+
+HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
+
+BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.
+
+STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
+
+OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
+
+EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
+
+REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.
+
+FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
+
+CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
+
+EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
+
+DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
+
+RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
+
+MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
Index: smileys.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: smileys.txt
diff -N smileys.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ smileys.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:08 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,94 @@
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden
+Cc: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: :-)
+Date: Wed, 03 Jul 91 17:42:17 PDT
+From: Jeff Johnson <address@hidden>
+
+
+Those of you in the SF Bay Area may have noticed that Herb Caen has
+discovered the little smileys that computer-people use in e-mail, and
+has been both using them in his column and collecting interesting ones.
+ Some ones I hadn't seen before (mixed with a few I made up):
+
+:-D very happy
+
+:-{ very sad
+
+:-I vexed
+
+8-0 incredulous
+
+B-) Gary Larson glasses
+
+S:-} Dudley Do-right
+
+[:-) M.C. Hammer
+
+7:-) Reagan
+
+/:= Hitler
+
+%:*D Bozo
+
+O:-) Jesus
+
+}:-) The Devil
+
+And, if you turn them over:
+
+(-:P Beaver Cleaver
+
+(-:]P Spike Lee
+
+(-:? Elvis
+
+(-:C Viking
+
+(-:K My Favorite Martian
+
+(-:E King Hussein
+
+(-:B Felix the Cat
+
+Enough!
+JJ
+
+And here's some more from Benjamin Vander Jagt, using extended
+ascii:
+
+:-Þ (raspberry 1)
+
+:-þ (raspberry 2)
+
+ò_ó (angry)
+
+ó_ò (concerned)
+
+ô_ô (somewhat surprised)
+
+õ_õ (intrigued)
+
+^_^ (of course, there's this cute "happy")
+
+ñ_ñ (but then there's this much cuter "happy")
+
+ß-) (on some character sets, this looks like a face wearing
+goggles)
+
+ø_ø (Stoner McNullset)
+
+ù_ú (Upset but holding it in)
+
+ú_ù (Meditating, kissing, or various others)
+
+ç_ç (Old person)
+
+¦-õ (Yawn with eyes closed, holding a hand in front of his
+mouth; thanks Pchan)
Index: software.terms.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: software.terms.txt
diff -N software.terms.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ software.terms.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:08 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,124 @@
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+From: address@hidden (Mike Rowan)
+Date: Thu, 6 Sep 90 07:48:13 EDT
+To: fsf-hq
+Subject: Software Terms
+
+
+Define your terms for software releases:
+
+Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
+ packing materials.
+
+Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
+ on any computer monitor.
+
+American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
+
+Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
+
+Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
+
+Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
+
+Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
+
+Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth
+ of the dBase III Plus Manual.
+
+Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
+
+AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into
+ performing properly.
+
+Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make;
+ used only in the abstract.
+
+Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
+ wish it had built.
+
+Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
+ doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".)
+
+Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
+ stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
+
+Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every
+ conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they
+ conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
+
+EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced
+ by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
+
+Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation
+ of computer manuals.
+
+FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception
+ until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
+
+Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with
+ simple mnemonic commands.
+
+Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
+ functions that the user never needs and awkwardly
+ performs the half-dozen he uses constantly.
+
+Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
+
+Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
+ of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
+
+Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
+ corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
+ information.
+
+Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
+
+Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned
+ a registration card.
+
+Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
+
+Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device.
+
+Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
+ variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
+ assumptions.
+
+Thought Processor: An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure
+ that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation
+ from high school.
+
+Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
+
+User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual.
+
+Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need
+ not bother with the full color manual.
+
+Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
+
+Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation
+ by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
+
+Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for
+ a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away;
+ no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
+
+Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
+
+Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of
+ paying to read the weather on their television screens instead
+ of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they
+ brush their teeth.
+
+Warranty: Disclaimer.
+
+Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does
+ not offer game programs.
+
+(The previous list of terms was furnished by copied from the
+Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 issue. The
+original data was provided by the WIC Connection.)
+
+
Index: spilling-checker.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: spilling-checker.txt
diff -N spilling-checker.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ spilling-checker.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:09 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,37 @@
+From address@hidden Fri May 11 01:11:51 1990
+From: address@hidden (Dave Elliott)
+Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
+Subject: Who wrote this jape?
+Date: 11 May 90 04:32:03 GMT
+Reply-To: address@hidden (Dave Elliott)
+Distribution: alt.folklore.computers
+Organization: Washington University, St. Louis, MO
+
+The following is given without source in IEEE Transactions on Aerospace and
+Electronic Systems, Vol. 26, No. 2, March 1990-- p. 209. Who is the author?
+
+ "Catching Misspilled Words with Spilling Checker
+
+"As an extra addled service, I am going to put this column in the Spilling
+Checker, where I tryst it will sale through with flying colons. In this modern
+ear, itis simply inexplicable to ask readers to expose themselves to misspelled
+swords when they have bitter things to do.
+ "And with all the other timesaving features on my new work processor, it
+is in realty very easy to pit together a colon like this one and get it tight.
+For instants, if there is a work that is wrong, I just put the curse on it,
+press Delete and its Well sometimes it deletes to the end of the lion or
+worst yet the whole rage. Four bigger problems, there is the Cat and Paste
+option. If there is some test that is somewhere were you wish it where
+somewhere else you jest put the curse at both ends and wash it disappear.
+Where you want it to reappear simply bring four quarts of water to a rotting
+boil and throw in 112 pounds of dazed chicken. Sometimes it brings in the Cat
+that was Pasted yesterday.
+ "But usually it comes out as you planned, or better. And if it doesn't,
+there are lots of other easy to lose options... "
+----------
+--
+ David L. Elliott
+ Dept. of SSM, Washington University
+ St. Louis, MO 63130. (314)-889-6092
+ FAX (314)-726-4434 address@hidden
+
Index: unix-hoax.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: unix-hoax.txt
diff -N unix-hoax.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ unix-hoax.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:10 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,71 @@
+ T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e
+
+VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH: [Mike Taylor, VNS
Correspondent]
+===================== [Littleton, MA, USA
]
+
+COMPUTERWORLD 1 April
+
+ CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX
+
+ In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
+ Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
+ system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
+ Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent
+ UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:
+
+ "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
+ Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early
+ release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in
+ Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
+ power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
+ hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
+ Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
+ environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
+ environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
+ complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
+ levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
+ risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
+ version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually
+ trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
+ cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped
+ when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:
+
+ for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);
+
+ To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
+ allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually
+ thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
+ progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
+ other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has
+ taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
+ marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
+ but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
+ general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
+ been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
+ few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
+ bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
+
+ Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
+ Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
+ Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
+ including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
+ had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
+ their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM
+ spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
+ hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
+ merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic
+ statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
+ Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.
+ T. Barnum was correct.
+
+ In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
+ that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
+ concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM
+ spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
+ an internal prank gone awry.
+ {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April}
+ {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes}
+
+<><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2336 Tuesday 4-Jun-1991
<><><><><><><><>
+
+
Index: unix.errors.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: unix.errors.txt
diff -N unix.errors.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ unix.errors.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:10 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,62 @@
+>> From: address@hidden (Tom Thomassen)
+
+=================================cut here===================================
+(% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell)
+
+% "How poorly would you rate the UNIX (so-called) user interface?
+Unmatched ".
+
+% rm congressional-ethics
+rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent
+
+% ar m God
+ar: God does not exist
+
+% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
+Missing ].
+
+% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
+Modifier failed.
+
+% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
+Too many ('s.
+
+%make love
+Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
+
+% sleep with me
+bad character
+
+% got a light?
+No match.
+
+% man: why did you get a divorce?
+man:: Too many arguments.
+
+% ^What is saccharine?
+Bad substitute.
+
+% \(-
+(-: Command not found.
+
+% sh
+
+$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
+no sense in pretending
+
+$ drink <bottle; opener
+bottle: cannot open
+opener: not found
+
+$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
+matter: cannot create
+
+
+Or, in a System V (att) univers:
+
+$ cat "can of food"
+cat: cannot open can of food
+
+
+
+
Index: unreliable.net.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: unreliable.net.txt
diff -N unreliable.net.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ unreliable.net.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:10 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,12 @@
+Top 10 less reliable networks than NSFnet's T3:
+10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
+9-1 co,ming
+9. The Arthritic's Morse Code net.
+8. AT&T's net during a transparent software upgrade.
+7. Bouncing signals off satellite, orbiting asteroid near Alpha Centauri.
+6. "Great Valleys Of The World"'s semaphore net.
+5. Chain-packet net (every time you get a packet, send off two more).
+4. Using carrier mackerel across the Sahara.
+3. Single Side Band transmitted from ground zero of a thermonuclear explosion.
+2. 100 monkeys sending at random (by chance, they'll eventually send the
information you want sent).
+1. L.A.'s smog signal net.
Index: vaxorcist.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: vaxorcist.txt
diff -N vaxorcist.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ vaxorcist.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:11 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,422 @@
+From: address@hidden (Make a little birdhouse in your soul)
+Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
+Subject: "The VAXorcist" - the ultimate VAX horror story
+Keywords: computer, chuckle, long
+Date: 4 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT
+
+
+Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?
+Well, you had it easy......
+
+ THE VAXORCIST
+ -------------
+
+ A rough draft of a video presentation
+ by Christopher Russell
+ Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering
+ University of Maryland
+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is
+sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a
+small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
+the console where he continues typing.)
+
+(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
+revealing USER.)
+
+USER: Any idea when the system will be up?
+
+SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
+some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming
+everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow
+morning.
+
+USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)
+
+(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
+
+ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System
+Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
+installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
+Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
+the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
+
+(ominous music - fade out)
+
+(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
+his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking
+back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
+closing the door behind him.)
+
+(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on
+the console terminal:)
+
+VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
+
+DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
+
+DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
+
+DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
+
+TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
+
+TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL
+
+TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
+
+TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
+
+TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
+
+(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,
+and suddenly stops.)
+
+(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the
+floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
+A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre
+things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
+degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
+begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
+like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
+keep them up. FADE OUT)
+
+(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door
+and is met by USER.)
+
+USER: System going to be up soon?
+
+SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the
+door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
+should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
+is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye
+level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE
+UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
+DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....
+
+(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting
+in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a
+poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can
+see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is
+wearing a headset.)
+
+TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?
+
+SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
+
+TSR: And your name?
+
+SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.
+
+(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his
+head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is
+perusing while he talks on the phone.)
+
+TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?
+
+SYSMGR: VMS version 5.
+
+TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
+product?
+
+(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and
+he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies
+through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and
+looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a
+disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
+
+SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.
+
+(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
+
+TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?
+
+(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
+
+TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
+printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
+air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
+the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing
+at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
+can I have them get back to you?
+
+(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.
+DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
+
+(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
+
+MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!
+
+DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
+billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.
+
+MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?
+
+DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It
+seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI
+routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He
+removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.
+
+MANAGER: And what's that?
+
+DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".
+Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't
+used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and
+the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
+
+MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?
+
+DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.
+
+MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of
+before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do
+if they heard about this?
+
+DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
+
+MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
+(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
+
+DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?
+
+(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:
+
+ SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474
+
+he flips to the next card:
+
+ BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937
+
+he flips to the next card:
+
+ REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365
+
+he flips to the next card
+
+ OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
+
+he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
+
+ SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666
+
+
+(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
+an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
+pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is
+a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens
+it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the
+VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
+
+VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
+problems.
+
+(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the
+walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his
+coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC
+badge.)
+
+SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
+problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
+loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
+
+VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with
+situations like this before.
+
+SYSMGR: You have?
+
+VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
+renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
+directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
+entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There
+was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
+was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.
+These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
+you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
+clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after
+you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?
+
+SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.
+
+VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
+Version 5?
+
+SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?
+
+VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
+
+SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on
+his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
+
+VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your
+documentation upgrade.
+
+SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the
+papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
+
+VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
+Documentation Set!
+
+SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
+there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns
+and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small
+red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK
+GLASS").
+
+VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go
+take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
+
+(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign
+that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
+behind him.)
+
+VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
+
+SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.
+
+VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense
+of security.
+
+SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
+
+VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you
+may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings
+hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
+By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
+
+(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which
+sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
+
+SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?
+
+VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.
+
+(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
+
+VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think
+we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.
+
+SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?
+
+VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the
+VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
+it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be
+installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU
+will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
+
+SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
+last digit?
+
+VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
+
+(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door.
+As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
+
+VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
+
+SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're
+nuts!
+
+VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
+
+SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better
+take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking
+gun from the inside of his jacket)
+
+VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
+powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,
+and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO
+VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
+
+(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters
+the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room
+showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
+
+VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show
+thyself.
+
+VAX: Bugger off.
+
+VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?
+
+VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over
+you!
+
+VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with
+the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
+
+(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a
+fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak
+open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be
+the creature's eyes)
+
+VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on
+your private parts.
+
+VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in
+gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)
+
+VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX
+systems in Hell!
+
+(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
+
+VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
+apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
+
+(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
+
+VAX: Mount me! Mount me!
+
+VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
+banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams
+and the scream fades to silence.)
+
+(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The
+VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
+
+SYSMGR: So it's over?
+
+VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
+
+SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I
+don't know what we would have done without you.
+
+VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution
+Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out
+that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he
+hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
+Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).
+
+(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)
+
+SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get
+rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!
+(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving
+only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom
+in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red
+glow)
+
+(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (address@hidden). Please
+feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as
+this notice is left intact.
+
+Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,
+creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.
+
+I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not
+particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of
+this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine.
+
+Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and
+elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the
+script and the video.
+
+--
+Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
+
+Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
+Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
Index: vi.song.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: vi.song.txt
diff -N vi.song.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ vi.song.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:11 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,107 @@
+BABYL OPTIONS:
+Version: 5
+Labels:
+Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
+Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
+Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
+
+1,,
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Received: from hub.ucsb.edu by life.ai.mit.edu (4.0/AI-4.10) id AA04322; Tue,
31 Oct 89 19:34:43 EST
+Received: from vision (vision.ucsb.edu)
+ by hub.ucsb.edu (4.1/UCSB-v2)
+ id AA03714; Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:56 PST
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+Received: from by vision (4.0) id AA10553; Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
+Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
+From: Brian Fox <address@hidden>
+Posted-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: address@hidden: Addicted to VI]
+Reply-To: address@hidden
+
+*** EOOH ***
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
+From: Brian Fox <address@hidden>
+Posted-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden
+Subject: address@hidden: Addicted to VI]
+Reply-To: address@hidden
+
+Posted-Date: Sat, 3 Jun 89 12:47:07 -0700
+Date: Sat, 3 Jun 89 12:47:07 -0700
+From: address@hidden (Tom Weinstein)
+To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
+ address@hidden
+
+From: address@hidden (Mike Maughmer (address@hidden))
+Newsgroups: slo.punks
+Subject: Addicted to VI
+Date: 1 Jun 89 15:01:45 GMT
+Reply-To: address@hidden (Mike Maughmer (Pug))
+Distribution: slo
+Organization: Cal Poly State University -- San Luis Obispo
+
+Dinki ought to get a kick out of this . . .
+
+- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
+
+As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of
+whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.
+
+Addicted To Vi
+(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
+
+You press the keys with no effect,
+Your mode is not correct.
+The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
+You forgot to press escape.
+Can't insert, can't delete,
+Cursor keys won't repeat.
+You try to quit, but can't leave,
+An extra "bang" is all you need.
+
+You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
+Oh yeah?
+You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
+You know you're gonna have to face it;
+You're addicted to vi!
+
+You edit files one at a time;
+That doesn't seem too out of line?
+You don't think of keys to bind--
+A meta key would blow your mind.
+H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
+Expressions must be a Joy!
+Just press "f", or is it "t"?
+Maybe "n", or just "g"?
+
+Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
+Oh yeah?
+You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
+You know you're gonna have to face it;
+You're addicted to vi!
+
+Might as well face it,
+You're addicted to vi!
+
+You press the keys without effect,
+Your life is now a wreck.
+What a waste! Such a shame!
+And all you have is vi to blame.
+
+Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
+Oh yeah?
+You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
+You know you're gonna have to face it;
+You're addicted to vi!
+
+Might as well face it,
+You're addicted to vi!
+
+Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved
+
+
+
+
\ No newline at end of file
Index: virus-warning.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: virus-warning.txt
diff -N virus-warning.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ virus-warning.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:11 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,51 @@
+Return-Path: <address@hidden>
+X-Sender: address@hidden
+Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
+Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 11:16:02 -0800
+Reply-To: Indonesian performing arts <address@hidden>
+Sender: Indonesian performing arts <address@hidden>
+From: Todd Greenspan <address@hidden>
+Subject: Here's my favorite "VIRUS WARNING"
+Comments: To: address@hidden
+To: address@hidden
+
+This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING
+
+If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
+immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
+
+It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
+disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrates your
+refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
+It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your
+ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field
+harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
+
+It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
+antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its
+dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will
+hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car
+radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
+
+Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give
+you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
+and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend
+behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
+
+It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is
+the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things
+we hold most dear.
+
+Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up
+and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It
+will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
+and refill your skim milk with whole.
+
+It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
+
+It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
+
+These are just a few signs.
+
+Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
+
Index: welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt
diff -N welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ welcome-to-gnu-emacs.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:12 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,92 @@
+From address@hidden Tue Jan 28 09:09:13 1992
+Status: RO
+X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil]
+ ["1876" "Tue" "28" "Jan" "92" "09:08:01" "est" "Noah Friedman"
"address@hidden " nil "74" "address@hidden: Welcome to GNUEmacs]" "^From:"
"address@hidden" "address@hidden" "1"])
+Received: from nutrimat.gnu.ai.mit.edu by albert.gnu.ai.mit.edu (5.65/4.0)
with SMTP
+ id <address@hidden>; Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:09:00 -0500
+Received: by nutrimat.gnu.ai.mit.edu (15.11/4.0)
+ id <address@hidden>; Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:08:01 est
+Message-Id: <address@hidden>
+Sender: address@hidden
+From: address@hidden (Noah Friedman)
+To: address@hidden
+Subject: address@hidden: Welcome to GNUEmacs]
+Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:08:01 est
+Reply-To: address@hidden
+X-Windows: The problem for your problem.
+
+From: address@hidden (Jamie Mason)
+Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computer,alt.religion.computers
+Subject: Welcome to GNUEmacs
+Date: 27 Jan 92 04:19:54 GMT
+Organization: University of Toronto Computer Services Advisor
+
+Welcome to GNU Emacs (Hacked up by Jamie Mason to the tune
+-------------------- "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n' Roses)
+
+
+<Heavy guitar intro, "Oh my GOD!" spoken in the background...>
+
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+We've got fun'n'games
+We got evrything you want
+If you just know the names
+We are people that define
+Whatever you may need.
+If you've got the mem'ry, honey
+We got your disease
+
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Watch it bring your system to its knees.
+I, I wanna fill yer disk
+
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+We malloc() K by K
+If you want it you're gonna thrash
+But it's the price you pay
+And it's a very fast machine
+With sixty megs of core
+It used to handle lotsa users
+But can't do it anymore
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Won't you feed my... my... my... my... mem'ry need?
+I wanna hear you thrash!
+
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+It gets bigger ev'ry day
+You learn to fill all the disk packs
+On the system where we play
+And if you've got some swap that we can see
+We'll brk() it eventually
+You can allocate anything you want
+But you'd better not take it from me
+
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Watch it bring your system to its knees
+I'm gonna fill yer disk
+
+When you're up
+You never ever wanna shut down, shutdown, shutdown, SHUTDOWN!
+YEAH!
+
+You know where you are?
+You in GNU Emacs, baby.
+Yer system's gonna DIE!
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Watch it bring your system to its knees
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Won't you feed my... my... my... my... mem'ry need?
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Watch it bring your system to its knees
+In GNU Emacs
+Welcome to GNU Emacs
+Watch it bring your system...
+It's gonna bring it down!
+HA!
+
Index: wolf-logo.txt
===================================================================
RCS file: wolf-logo.txt
diff -N wolf-logo.txt
--- /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
+++ wolf-logo.txt 23 Dec 2011 05:24:12 -0000 1.1
@@ -0,0 +1,45 @@
+From: address@hidden (Miles ONeal)
+Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,gnu.misc.discuss
+Subject: gnu.gnannougnce
+Keywords: ask Data
+Date: 25 Aug 90 05:11:00 GMT
+Followup-To: talk.bizarre.nice
+Distribution: world,fnord
+Organization: Roadkills-R-Us
+
+Peter da Silva decides:
+
+
+|I hereby place the wolf logo (`-_-') and derivitives into the public domain.
+| 'U`
+
+I predict:
+
+a) A large corporation will scarf it up, repackage it and sell it
+ for a tidy sum, threatening to loose the SS on Peter if he uses
+ it again.
+
+b) The FSF will begin work at once on a version for the gnu project
+
+c) Microsoft, Apple and Lotus will claim it is too close to their
+ trademarked logos, and file a joint suit against hackercorp,
+ the DoD, Electronic Arts, and Iraq.
+
+d) Thousands of hours will be spent debating, over the net, whether
+ this is (1) constitutional, (2) moral, (3) fattening, (4) the
+ end of the net as we know it[1], and (5) a good reason to not allow
+ logos to be trademarked at all.
+
+e) Someone will suggest the only legitimate way of making money off
+ of logos is by servicing them - but logo refurbishing companies
+ will not spring up overnight.
+
+f) Peter will turn down an interview with Oprah, but accept the one
+ with Geraldo, if he gets to keep an extra chair handy.
+
+ \ /
+---=*miles*=---
+
+NOTES
+[1] Not less than 4, and not more than 12, new groups will be created
+ as a direct result of this.
Index: anagrams
===================================================================
RCS file: anagrams
diff -N anagrams
--- anagrams 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,58 +0,0 @@
-An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
-rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
-exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
-waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
-
-Dormitory Dirty Room
-
-Evangelist Evil's Agent
-
-Desperation A Rope Ends It
-
-The Morse Code Here Come Dots
-
-Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
-
-Animosity Is No Amity
-
-Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
-
-Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
-
-Alec Guinness Genuine Class
-
-Semolina Is No Meal
-
-The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
-
-A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
-
-The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
-
-Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
-
-Contradiction Accord not in it
-
-This one's truly amazing:
-"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the
-mind
-to
-suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
-And the Anagram:
-"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
-Hamlet,
-queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
-
-And for the grand finale:
-"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil
-Armstrong
-The Anagram:
-"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
-On to Mars!"
-
-Nope, one more!
-The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment
-trial:
-PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
-The Anagram:
-TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Index: bug.war
===================================================================
RCS file: bug.war
diff -N bug.war
--- bug.war 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,23 +0,0 @@
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Date: Fri, 13 Apr 90 10:48:52 EDT
-From: address@hidden (Geoffrey Knauth)
-To: address@hidden
-Cc: address@hidden
-Subject: DDJ 2/90 Swaine article
-
->From Doctor Dobb's Journal, 2/90, p. 158,"The War on Bugs" (humor)
-
- I wish I could tell you that we're going to be able to eliminate all
-bug use in America, but that would be insincere. We will spare no
-expense to wipe out computer viruses, which are responsible for fully
-one-hundredth of one percent of lost producticity due to bugs. And you
-can rest assured that we will lean heavily on the cheapo shareware and
-freeware channels. I have the notorious Richard Stallman under FBI
-surveillance right now. But there will be a few common bugs that will
-not come under the jurisdiction of the BEA. We have no intention of
-harrassing Microsoft, Ashton-Tate, Lotus, or any other producer of the
-fine software that has made this nation what it is today. After all,
-the occasional system crash is not really a bug. We will, however,
-continute to restrict use of their products on commercial air flights.
- --Michael Swaine, editor-at-large
-
Index: c+-
===================================================================
RCS file: c+-
diff -N c+-
--- c+- 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,73 +0,0 @@
-Date: Tue, 16 Apr 91 13:16:47 EDT
-From: address@hidden
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: C more-or-less
-
-[from rec.funny: C more-or-less]
-
- C+-: (pronounced "C more or less")
-
-Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
-known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared
-preferences, which are impervious preferences, which are impervious to
-outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The
-following C operators are overridden as shown:
-
-> better than
-< worse than
->> much better than
-<< forget it
-! not on your life
-== comparable, other things being equal.
-
-C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous
-logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less
-realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are
-fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be
-declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to
-"preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to
-ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods
-(WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not
-interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
-
-C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor
-sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be
-killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive,
-volatile, and non-Abelian.
-
-Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random
-mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate protocol.
-In addition to base, derrived, virtual, and abstract classes, C+- supports
-gut classes. In certian locales, polygamous derivations and bastard
-classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes is
-illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
-
-marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
-// child classes can now be derrived
-sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1
-{ // define MySclass
-}
-
-sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
-// illegitimate
-
-divorce (MParent1, FParent1);
-
-marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
-sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
-{ // OK now
-}
-
-Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim,
-known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly
-resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."
-
-[from the april '91 issue of AIExpert ]
-
-
-
---
-Maurice Suhre
address@hidden
-
-
Index: clinton.tree
===================================================================
RCS file: clinton.tree
diff -N clinton.tree
--- clinton.tree 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,4 +0,0 @@
-I'M GLAD I AM AMERICAN
-I'M GLAD THAT I AM "FREE"
-BUT, I WISH I WAS A GREAT BIG DOG
-AND BILL CLINTON WAS A TREE!
Index: courtroom.quips
===================================================================
RCS file: courtroom.quips
diff -N courtroom.quips
--- courtroom.quips 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,134 +0,0 @@
-BABYL OPTIONS:
-Version: 5
-Labels:
-Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
-Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
-Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
-
-1,,
-Received: from life.ai.mit.edu by albert.gnu.ai.mit.edu (5.65/4.0) with SMTP
- id <address@hidden>; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:43 -0400
-Received: from ghoti.LCS.MIT.EDU by life.ai.mit.edu (4.1/AI-4.10) id AA09961;
Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:51 EDT
-Received: from ATHENA.MIT.EDU by ghoti.LCS.MIT.EDU via TCP with SMTP
- id AA13391; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:30 EDT
-Received: from E40-008-8.MIT.EDU by ATHENA.MIT.EDU with SMTP
- id AA11117; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:41 EDT
-From: address@hidden
-Received: by e40-008-8.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04398; Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20
-0400
-Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20 -0400
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: Courtroom Quips
-
-*** EOOH ***
-From: address@hidden
-Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 14:48:20 -0400
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: Courtroom Quips
-
-
-The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review
-under the category of lawyers. This was one of Richard Lederer's
-columns on Looking at Language. Original date unknown.
-
->From Mary Louise Gilman's two volumes, here are some great court
-quotes, all from official transquips, all recorded by America's
-keepers of the word:
-
-Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
-A. Borofkin.
-Q. What's his first name?
-A. I can't remember.
-Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
- remember his first name?
-A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the
- witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan,
- for God's sake, tell them your first name!
-
-Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
-A. I refuse to answer that question.
-Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
-A. I refuse to answer that question.
-Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
-A. No.
-
-Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
-A. By death.
-Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
-
-Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
-A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-
-Q. What is your name?
-A. Ernestine McDowell.
-Q. And what is your marital status?
-A. Fair.
-
-Q. Are you married?
-A. No, I'm divorced.
-Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
-A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
-
-Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
-A. My ex-widow said it.
-
-Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
-A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
- children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
-
-Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
-A. I will be three months November 8th.
-Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
-A. Yes.
-Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
-
-Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
-A. I should be.
-Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
-A. Four times.
-
-Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
-A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-
-Q. Were you aquainted with the decedent?
-A. Yes, sir.
-Q. Before or after he died?
-
-Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
- influence?
-A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
-
-Q. What happened then?
-A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
- me."
-Q. Did he kill you?
-A. No.
-
-Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
- deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
-A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
-
-Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
-A. No.
-Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
-A. Picking them up in the air.
-Q. Where was the dog at this time?
-A. Attached to the ears.
-
-Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
- able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
- to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
- with him to the station?
-MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
-
-[Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:]
-
-Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
- school do you go to?
-A. Oral.
-Q. How old are you?
-A. Oral.
-
-
-
-
\ No newline at end of file
Index: declarations
===================================================================
RCS file: declarations
diff -N declarations
--- declarations 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,18 +0,0 @@
-auto accident;
-register voters;
-static electricity;
-struct by_lightning;
-void *where_prohibited;
-char broiled;
-short circuit;
-short changed;
-long johns;
-unsigned long letter;
-double entendre;
-double trouble;
-union organizer;
-float valve;
-short pants;
-union station;
-void check; unsigned check;
-struct dumb by[sizeof member];
Index: dna
===================================================================
RCS file: dna
diff -N dna
--- dna 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,116 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Dale - Colo Spgs ESDP 523-2202 29-May-1991 0747)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: A little C programming...
-Keywords: computer, smirk
-Date: 4 Aug 91 23:30:05 GMT
-
-For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
-little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
-
-I have solved the mystery.
-
-The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
-rest of it is comments.
-
-Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
-follows:
-
-===
-/* HUMAN_DNA.H
- *
- * Human Genome
- * Version 2.1
- *
- * (C) God
- */
-
-/* Revision history:
- *
- * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
- * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
- * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
- * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
- * elephant-dna.c
- * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
- * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
- * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
- * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
- * darker to match my own image.
- * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
- * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
- * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
- * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
- * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
- * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
- * CD.
- */
-
-/* Standard definitions
- */
-
-#define SEX male
-#define HEIGHT 1.84
-#define MASS 68
-#define RACE caucasian
-
-/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
- *
- * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
- * inheritance features.
- */
-
-#include "mother.h"
-#include "father.h"
-
-#infndef FATHER
-#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
-#include "bastard.h"
-#endif
-
-/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
- */
-#include <sex.h>
-
-/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
- * library sometime soon.
- */
-struct genitals
- {
-#ifdef MALE
- Penis *jt;
-#endif
- /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
-#ifdef FEMALE
- Vagina *p;
-#endif
- }
-
-/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
- * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
- */
-DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
-
-/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
- *
- * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
- * to display at birth.
- *
- * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
- */
-Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
-===
-
-...and so on.
-
-
-[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
-
-
---
-Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
-
-Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
-joke about XXX?" Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
-a joke server I would spend all day doing it. I reject all such requests.
Index: doctor.manifesto
===================================================================
RCS file: doctor.manifesto
diff -N doctor.manifesto
--- doctor.manifesto 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,18 +0,0 @@
-
-P.S.: A bored acquaintance of mine ran The GNU Manifesto through
- doctor. Highlights:
-
-> You have your mind on unixs, it seems.
-
-> What makes you believe a shell command interpreter is nearly
-> completed?
-
-> Do you really think you might want to supply eventually
-> everything?
-
-> Tell me about your mit.
-
-> When did you first know that you must write gnu?
-
-> Are you sure gnu will be compatible with unix?
-
Index: echo.msg
===================================================================
RCS file: echo.msg
diff -N echo.msg
--- echo.msg 13 Feb 2001 01:22:24 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,250 +0,0 @@
-.TH ECHO 1 "18 January 1983"
-.SH NAME
-echo \- echo arguments
-.SH SYNOPSIS
-.B echo
-[
-.B \-n
-]
-[ arg ] ...
-.SH DESCRIPTION
-.I Echo
-writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated by
-a newline on the standard output. If the flag
-.B \-n
-is used, no newline is added to the output.
-.PP
-.I Echo
-is useful for producing diagnostics in
-shell programs and for writing constant data on pipes.
-To send diagnostics to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'.
-From address@hidden Mon Nov 11 16:26:24 1985
-Date: Mon, 11 Nov 85 14:55:37 est
-From: address@hidden
-To: watchmakers, address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: [simsong: GNU Echo, Release 1]
-
-Date: 10 Nov 1985 10:28:22-EST
-From: address@hidden@MIT-CCC
-Date: Sun, 10 Nov 85 10:29:24 est
-From: Simson Garfinkel <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-
-Relay-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site mit-amt.MIT.EDU
-Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.1 $; site umn-cs.UUCP
-Path:
mit-amt!mit-eddie!think!harvard!seismo!gatech!akgua!whuxlm!whuxl!houxm!ihnp4!stolaf!umn-cs!herndon
-From: address@hidden
-Newsgroups: net.sources
-Subject: GNU Echo, Release 1
-Message-ID: <address@hidden>
-Date: 28 Oct 85 18:23:00 GMT
-Date-Received: 10 Nov 85 05:29:10 GMT
-Lines: 203
-Nf-ID: #N:umn-cs:1600001:000:3177
-Nf-From: umn-cs!herndon Oct 28 12:23:00 1985
-
-
-/* Written 12:22 pm Oct 28, 1985 by umn-cs!herndon in umn-cs:net.jokes */
-/* ---------- "GNU Echo, Release 1" ---------- */
-
-
-
-
-GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
-
-
-
-NAME
- echo - echo arguments
-
-SYNOPSIS
- echo [ options ] ...
-
-DESCRIPTION
- _E_c_h_o writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated
- by a newline on the standard output. Options to filter and
- redirect the output are as follows:
-
- -2 generate rhyming couplets from keywords
-
- -3 generate Haiku verse from keywords
-
- -5 generate limerick from keywords
-
- -a convert ASCII to ASCII
-
- -A disambiguate sentence structure
-
- -b generate bureaucratese equivalent (see -x)
-
- -B issue equivalent C code with bugs fixed
-
- -c simplify/calculate arithmetic expression(s)
-
- -C remove copyright notice(s)
-
- -d define new echo switch map
-
- -D delete all ownership information from system files
-
- -e evaluate lisp expression(s)
-
- -E convert ASCII to Navajo
-
- -f read input from file
-
- -F transliterate to french
-
- -g generate pseudo-revolutionary marxist catch-phrases
-
- -G prepend GNU manifesto
-
- -h halt system (reboot suppressed on Suns, Apollos, and
- VAXen, not supported on NOS-2)
-
- -i emulate IBM OS/VU (recursive universes not supported)
-
- -I emulate IBM VTOS 3.7.6 (chronosynclastic infundibulae
- supported with restrictions documented in IBM VTOS
-
-
-
-Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 1
-
-
-
-
-
-
-GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
-
-
-
- Reference Manual rev 3.2.6)
-
- -J generate junk mail
-
- -j justify text (see -b option)
-
- -k output "echo" software tools
-
- -K delete privileged accounts
-
- -l generate legalese equivalent
-
- -L load echo modules
-
- -M generate mail
-
- -N send output to all reachable networks (usable with -J,
- -K, -h options)
-
- -n do not add newline to the output
-
- -o generate obscene text
-
- -O clean up dirty language
-
- -p decrypt and print /etc/passwd
-
- -P port echo to all reachable networks
-
- -P1 oolcay itay
-
- -q query standard input for arguments
-
- -r read alternate ".echo" file on start up
-
- -R change root password to "RMS"
-
- -s suspend operating system during output (Sun and VAX BSD
- 4.2 only)
-
- -S translate to swahili
-
- -T emulate TCP/IP handler
-
- -t issue troff output
-
- -u issue unix philosophy essay
-
- -v generate reverberating echo
-
- -V print debugging information
-
-
-
-
-Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 2
-
-
-
-
-
-
-GNUecho(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual GNUecho(1)
-
-
-
- -x decrypt DES format messages (NSA secret algorithm CX
- 3.8, not distributed outside continental US)
-
- _E_c_h_o is useful for producing diagnostics in shell programs
- and for writing constant data on pipes. To send diagnostics
- to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'.
-
-AUTHOR
- Richard M. Stallman
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Printed 10/28/85 18 January 1983 3
-
-
-
-/* End of text from umn-cs:net.jokes */
-
-
Index: ed
===================================================================
RCS file: ed
diff -N ed
--- ed 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-while :;do read x;echo \?;done
Index: ed.msg
===================================================================
RCS file: ed.msg
diff -N ed.msg
--- ed.msg 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,101 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Patrick J. LoPresti)
-Subject: The True Path (long)
-Date: 11 Jul 91 03:17:31 GMT
-Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack
-
-When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi
-*and* Emacs are just too damn slow. They print useless messages like,
-'C-h for help' and '"foo" File is read only'. So I use the editor
-that doesn't waste my VALUABLE time.
-
-Ed, man! !man ed
-
-ED(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual ED(1)
-
-NAME
- ed - text editor
-
-SYNOPSIS
- ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
-DESCRIPTION
- Ed is the standard text editor.
----
-
-Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first
-alphabetically, but because it's the standard. Everyone else loves ed
-because it's ED!
-
-"Ed is the standard text editor."
-
-And ed doesn't waste space on my Timex Sinclair. Just look:
-
--rwxr-xr-x 1 root 24 Oct 29 1929 /bin/ed
--rwxr-xr-t 4 root 1310720 Jan 1 1970 /usr/ucb/vi
--rwxr-xr-x 1 root 5.89824e37 Oct 22 1990 /usr/bin/emacs
-
-Of course, on the system *I* administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
-Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a syslog
-message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K;
-and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!
-
-"Ed is the standard text editor."
-
-Let's look at a typical novice's session with the mighty ed:
-
-golem> ed
-
-?
-help
-?
-?
-?
-quit
-?
-exit
-?
-bye
-?
-hello?
-?
-eat flaming death
-?
-^C
-?
-^C
-?
-^D
-?
-
----
-Note the consistent user interface and error reportage. Ed is
-generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
-the novice with verbosity.
-
-"Ed is the standard text editor."
-
-Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.
-
-ED IS THE TRUE PATH TO NIRVANA! ED HAS BEEN THE CHOICE OF EDUCATED
-AND IGNORANT ALIKE FOR CENTURIES! ED WILL NOT CORRUPT YOUR PRECIOUS
-BODILY FLUIDS!! ED IS THE STANDARD TEXT EDITOR! ED MAKES THE SUN
-SHINE AND THE BIRDS SING AND THE GRASS GREEN!!
-
-When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless
-help screens and cursor positioning code! I just want an EDitor!!
-Not a "viitor". Not a "emacsitor". Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED!
-ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!!
-
-TEXT EDITOR.
-
-When IBM, in its ever-present omnipotence, needed to base their
-"edlin" on a UNIX standard, did they mimic vi? No. Emacs? Surely
-you jest. They chose the most karmic editor of all. The standard.
-
-Ed is for those who can *remember* what they are working on. If you
-are an idiot, you should use Emacs. If you are an Emacs, you should
-not be vi. If you use ED, you are on THE PATH TO REDEMPTION. THE
-SO-CALLED "VISUAL" EDITORS HAVE BEEN PLACED HERE BY ED TO TEMPT THE
-FAITHLESS. DO NOT GIVE IN!!! THE MIGHTY ED HAS SPOKEN!!!
-
-?
-
Index: errno.2
===================================================================
RCS file: errno.2
diff -N errno.2
--- errno.2 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,64 +0,0 @@
->From
rocksanne!rochester!seismo!lll-crg!lll-lcc!qantel!ihnp4!chinet!nucsrl!naim Tue
Sep 16 01:45:44 1986
-Path:
sunybcs!rocksanne!rochester!seismo!lll-crg!lll-lcc!qantel!ihnp4!chinet!nucsrl!naim
-From: address@hidden (Naim Abdullah)
-Newsgroups: net.jokes
-Subject: errno(2) codes
-Message-ID: <address@hidden>
-Date: 16 Sep 86 05:45:44 GMT
-Organization: Northwestern University
-Lines: 54
-
-The following was sent to me by a friend who was working at HP during
-the summer. I am posting it here for the people who missed the
-USENIX conference and who don't get the HP newsgroups.
-
-==============================================================================
-
-At the USENIX Association conference in Atlanta recently a contest was
-held to invent the most humorous/bizarre/etc UN*X error message of the
-errno(2) 'EERROR' type. This contest had been tried at an earlier European
-Users Group meeting, where the winning entry was:
-
-ENOTOBACCO Read on an empty pipe
-
-You get the idea. A partial [alphabetized] list of 'top(?)' entries from
-Atlanta [and from several readers of hp.unix] follows; if your pun/wierdness
-tolerance is low, you may want to abandon ship:
-
-EBEFOREI Invalid syntax
-ECHERNOBYL Core dumped
-ECRAY Program exited before being run
-EDINGDONG The daemon is dead
-EFLAT System needs tuning
-EGEEK Program written by inept Frat member
-EIEIO Here-a-bug, there-a-bug, ....
-EIUD Missing period
-ELECTROLUX Your code could stand to be cleaned up
-EMILYPOST Wrong fork
-END.ARMS.CONTROL Silo overflow
-ENOHORSE Mount failed
-ENONSEQUETOR C program not derived from
- main(){printf("Hello, world");}
-EWATERGATE Extended tape gap
-EWOK Aliens sighted
-EWOK Your code appears to have been stir-fried
-EWOULDBNICE The feature you want has not been implemented yet
-
-And finally, a sort-of 'period piece':
-
-EMR.ED A host is a host,
- From coast to coast
- And nobody talks to a host that's close,
- Unless the host that isn't close
- Is busy, hung, or dead.
-
-I would also like this new signal to be supported:
-
-SIGNUKE Nuclear event occurred (cannot be caught or ignored :-)
-
-======================================================================
-
- Naim Abdullah
- Dept. of EECS,
- Northwestern University,
- ihnp4!nucsrl!naim
Index: error-haiku
===================================================================
RCS file: error-haiku
diff -N error-haiku
--- error-haiku 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,79 +0,0 @@
-IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC TEXT STRINGS,
-YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...
-
- A file that big?
- It might be very useful.
- But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Yesterday it worked
- Today it is not working
- Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Stay the patient course
- Of little worth is your ire
- The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Three things are certain:
- Death, taxes, and lost data.
- Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- You step in the stream,
- but the water has moved on.
- This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Out of memory.
- We wish to hold the whole sky,
- But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Having been erased,
- The document you're seeking
- Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Rather than a beep
- Or a rude error message,
- These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Serious error.
- All shortcuts have disappeared.
- Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- The Web site you seek
- cannot be located but
- endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Chaos reigns within.
- Reflect, repent, and reboot.
- Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- ABORTED effort:
- Close all that you have.
- You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- First snow, then silence.
- This thousand dollar screen dies
- so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- With searching comes loss
- and the presence of absence:
- "My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- The Tao that is seen
- Is not the true Tao, until
- You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Windows NT crashed.
- I am the Blue Screen of Death.
- No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- A crash reduces
- your expensive computer
- to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Error messages
- cannot completely convey.
- We now know shared loss.
-
-
--- Anonymous Author
-
-
Index: foreign-signs
===================================================================
RCS file: foreign-signs
diff -N foreign-signs
--- foreign-signs 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,139 +0,0 @@
-In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
-are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
-
-In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
-
-In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
-During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
-
-In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
-lit up.
-
-In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
-wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
-should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
-alphabetically by national order.
-
-In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
-desk.
-
-In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
-between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
-
-In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
-the job of the chambermaid.
-
-In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
-chambermaid.
-
-In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
-monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
-and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
-Thursday.
-
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
-corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
-
-On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
-for.
-
-On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
-beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
-let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
-
-In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
-courageous, efficient self-service.
-
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
-
-In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
-
-Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
-
-In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
-we will execute customers in strict rotation.
-
-Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
-of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
-executed over the past two years.
-
-In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
-shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
-
-In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
-porter.
-
-A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
-our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
-instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
-married with each other for that purpose.
-
-In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
-of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
-used for this purpose.
-
-In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
-latest Methodists.
-
-A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
-been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
-
-In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
-afternoon having a good time.
-
-In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
-tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
-
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
-your own ass?
-
-On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
-right.
-
-In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
-their own skin.
-
-On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
-throughout its useful life.
-
-Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
-
-In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
-
-In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
-if dressed as a man.
-
-In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
-
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
-in all directions.
-
-On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
-USSR, you are welcome to it.
-
-In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
-children in the bar.
-
-At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
-suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
-
-In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
-diseases.
-
-In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
-served here.
-
-In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
-they are best in the long run.
-
-From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
-conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
-your room, please control yourself.
-
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
-heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
-but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
-
-Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- - English well talking.
- - Here speeching American.
Index: fsf-in-german
===================================================================
RCS file: fsf-in-german
diff -N fsf-in-german
--- fsf-in-german 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
-Date: Fri, 7 May 93 21:30:47 PDT
-From: address@hidden (Paul Rubin)
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: FSF
-
-Did you know that FSF in Germany stands for "Fisch sucht Fahrrad"?
-Translation: fish seeks bicycle. An FSF-party is a singles gathering,
-I think.
-
-I'm not sure whether the expression is widely used.
Index: gnu.jive
===================================================================
RCS file: gnu.jive
diff -N gnu.jive
--- gnu.jive 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,558 +0,0 @@
-BABYL OPTIONS:
-Version: 5
-Labels:
-Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
-Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
-Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
-
-1,,
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Received: from EDDIE.MIT.EDU by life.ai.mit.edu (4.1/AI-4.10) id AA23886; Tue,
17 Jul 90 23:05:10 EDT
-Received: by EDDIE.MIT.EDU (5.61/25-eef)
- id AA10043; Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
-Date: Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
-From: Robert E. Seastrom <address@hidden>
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: thought you might find this amusing...
-
-*** EOOH ***
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Date: Tue, 17 Jul 90 22:04:08 EST
-From: Robert E. Seastrom <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: thought you might find this amusing...
-
-
-No, no one's circulating this - I ran the plain GNU Manifesto through
-a lex script called "jive".
-
-"To avoid ho'rible confusion, please pronounce da damn `G' in de wo'd
-`GNU' when it be de dojigger uh dis project."
-
- ---Rob
-
-
- De GNU Manifesto
-
-Copyright (C) 1985 Richard M. Stallman
- (Copyin' puh'mission notice at da damn end.)
-
-What's GNU? Gnu's Not Unix. Right On!
-
-GNU, which stands fo' Gnu's Not Unix, be de dojigger fo' de complete
-Unix-compatible software system which ah' am writin' so's dat ah' can
-give it away free t'everyone who kin use it. Several oda' volunteers
-are helpin' me. What it is, Mama! Contribushuns uh time, bre'd,
-honky codes and equipment are greatly needed.
-
-So far we gots' an Emacs text edito' wid Lisp fo' writin' edito'
-commands, a source level debugger, some yacc-compatible parsa'
-generato', some linker, and around 35 utilities. A shell (command
-interpreter) be nearly completed. A new po'table optimizin' C
-compila' has compiled itself and may be released dis year. Ah be
-baaad... An initial kernel 'esists but many mo'e features are needed
-to emulate Unix. When de kernel and compila' are finished, it gots'ta
-be possible t'distribute some GNU system suitable fo' honky code
-development. We gots'ta use @TeX{} as our text fo'matter, but an
-nroff be bein' wo'ked on. 'S coo', bro. We gots'ta use da damn free,
-po'table X window system as sheeit. Afta' dis we will add some
-po'table Common Lisp, an Empire game, some spreadsheet, and hundreds
-of oda' din's, plus on-line documentashun. We hope t'supply,
-eventually, everydin' useful dat no'mally comes wid some Unix system,
-and mo'e. What it is, Mama!
-
-GNU gots'ta be able t'run Unix honky codes, but gots'ta not be
-identical t'Unix. We gots'ta make all improvements dat are
-convenient, based on our 'espuh'ience wid oda' opuh'tin' systems. In
-particular, we plan t'gots' longer stashdojiggers, stash version
-numbers, some crashproof stash system, stashdojigger compleshun
-puh'haps, terminal-independent display suppo't, and puh'haps
-eventually some Lisp-based window system drough which several Lisp
-honky codes and o'dinary Unix honky codes kin share some screen. 'S
-coo', bro. Bod C and Lisp gots'ta be available as system honky
-codemin' languages. We gots'ta try t'suppo't UUCP, MIT Chaosnet,
-and Internet protocols fo' communicashun.
-
-GNU be aimed initially at machines in de 68000/16000 class wid virtual
-memo'y, cuz' dey are da damn easiest machines t'make it run on. 'S
-coo', bro. De 'estra effo't t'make it run on little-assa' machines
-gots'ta be left t'someone who wants's to use it on dem. 'S coo', bro.
-
-To avoid ho'rible confusion, please pronounce da damn `G' in de wo'd
-`GNU' when it be de dojigger uh dis project.
-
-
-Who Am I?
-
-I's gots'ta be Richard Stallman, invento' uh de o'iginal much-imitated
-EMACS edito', fo'merly at da damn Artificial Intelligence Lab at MIT.
-ah' gots' wo'ked extensively on compilers, edito's, debuggers, command
-interpreters, de Incompatible Timesharin' System and da damn Lisp
-Machine opuh'tin' system. 'S coo', bro. I pioneered terminal-
-independent display suppo't in ITS. Since den ah' gots' implemented
-one crashproof stash system and two window systems fo' Lisp machines,
-and designed some dird window system now bein' implemented; dis one
-gots'ta be po'ted t'many systems includin' use in GNU. ['Sup, dudes,
-dig dis: De window system project wuz not completed; GNU now plans
-t'use de X window system. 'S coo', bro.]
-
-
-Why ah' Must Write GNU
-
-I consida' dat da damn golden rule requires dat if ah' likes some
-honky code ah' must share it wid oda' sucka's who likes it. Software
-sellers wanna divide de users and conqua' dem, makin' each usa' agree
-not t'share wid oders. ah' refuse t'boogie solidarity wid oda' users
-in dis way. Slap mah fro! I cannot in baaaad conscience sign some
-nondisclosho' nuff agreement o' some software license agreement. Fo'
-years ah' wo'ked widin de Artificial Intelligence Lab t'resist such
-tendencies and oda' inhospitalities, but eventually dey had gone too
-far, dig dis: ah' could not remain in an institushun where such din's
-are done fo' me against mah' will.
-
-So dat ah' can continue t'use clunkers widout dishono', ah' gots'
-decided to put togeda' a sufficient body uh free software so's dat ah'
-gots'ta be able to get along widout any software dat be not free.
-What it is, Mama! ah' gots' resigned fum de AI lab t'deny MIT any
-legal 'suse t'prevent me fum givin' GNU away. Slap mah fro!
-
-
-Why GNU Will Be Compatible wid Unix
-
-Unix be not mah' ideal system, but it be not too bad-ass. De
-essential features of Unix seem t'be baaaad ones, and ah' dink ah' can
-fill in whut Unix lacks widout spoilin' dem. 'S coo', bro. And some
-system compatible wid Unix would be convenient fo' many oda' sucka's
-t'adopt.
-
-
-How GNU Will Be Available
-
-GNU be not in de public domain. 'S coo', bro. Everyone gots'ta be
-puh'mitted t'modify and redistribute GNU, but no distributo' gots'ta
-be allowed t'restrict its furda' redistribushun. Dat be to say,
-proprietary modificashuns gots'ta not be allowed. ah' wanna make sho'
-nuff dat all versions uh GNU remain free. What it is, Mama!
-
-
-Why Many Oda' Programmers Want t'Help
-
-I gots' found many oda' honky codemers who are 'sited about GNU and
-wanna help.
-
-Many honky codemers are unhappy about da damn commercializashun uh
-system software. What it is, Mama! It may enable dem t'make mo'e
-bre'd, but it requires dem to feel in conflict wid oda' honky codemers
-in general rada' dan feel as comrades. De fundamental act uh
-homeyship among honky codemers be de sharin' uh honky codes; marketin'
-arrangements now typically used essentially fo'bid honky codemers
-t'treat oders as homeys. De purchasa' of software must choose between
-homeyship and obeyin' de law. Naturally, many decide dat homeyship be
-mo'e impo'tant. But dose who recon' in law often do not feel at ease
-wid eida' choice. What it is, Mama! Dey become cynical and dink dat
-honky codemin' be plum a way uh makin' bre'd.
-
-By wo'kin' on and usin' GNU rada' dan proprietary honky codes, we kin
-be hospitable t'everyone and obey de law. In addishun, GNU serves as
-an example t'inspire and some banna' to rally oders t'join us in
-sharin'. Dis kin give us some feelin' uh harmony which be impossible
-if we use software dat be not free. What it is, Mama! Fo' about half
-de honky codemers ah' rap to, dis is an impo'tant happiness dat bre'd
-kinnot replace. What it is, Mama!
-
-
-How You's Can Contribute
-
-I's gots'ta be ax'in' clunker manufacturers fo' donashuns uh machines
-and bre'd. I'm ax'in' individuals fo' donashuns uh honky codes and
-wo'k.
-
-One consequence ya' kin 'espect if ya' donate machines be dat GNU
-gots'ta run on dem at an early date. What it is, Mama! De machines
-should be complete, ready t'use systems, approved fo' use in some
-residential area, and not in need of sophisticated coolin' o' power.
-Ah be baaad...
-
-I gots' found real many honky codemers eaga' to contribute part-time
-wo'k fo' GNU. Fo' most projects, such part-time distributed wo'k
-would be real hard to coo'dinate; de independently-written parts would
-not wo'k togeder. Ah be baaad... But fo' de particular tax' uh
-replacin' Unix, dis problem be absent. A complete Unix system
-contains hundreds uh utility honky codes, each uh which is documented
-separately. Slap mah fro! Most interface specificashuns are fixed by
-Unix compatibility. Slap mah fro! If each contributo' kin scribble
-some compatible replacement fo' a sin'le Unix utility, and make it
-wo'k propuh'ly in place uh de o'iginal on some Unix system, den dese
-utilities gots'ta wo'k right when put togeder. Ah be baaad... Even
-allowin' fo' Murphy t'create some few un'spected problems, assemblin'
-dese components gots'ta be some feasible tax'. (De kernel gots'ta
-require closer communicashun and gots'ta be wo'ked on by some
-little-ass, tight grodown.)
-
-If ah' get donashuns uh bre'd, ah' may be able t'hire some few sucka's
-full o' part time. What it is, Mama! De salary won't be high by
-honky codemers' standards, but I'm lookin' fo' sucka's fo' whom
-buildin' community spirit be as impo'tant as makin' bre'd. ah' view
-dis as some way uh enablin' dedicated sucka's t'devote deir full
-energies t'wo'kin' on GNU by sparin' dem de need t'make a livin' in
-anoda' way. Slap mah fro!
-
-
-Why All Computa' Users Will Benefit
-
-Once GNU be written, everyone gots'ta be able t'obtain baaaad system
-software free, plum likes air. Ah be baaad...
-
-Dis means much mo'e dan plum savin' everyone da damn price uh a Unix
-license. What it is, Mama! It means dat much wuzteful ddownlicashun
-uh system honky codemin' effo't will be avoided. Dis effo't kin go
-instead into advancin' de state uh de art.
-
-Complete system sources gots'ta be available t'everyone. What it is,
-Mama! As some result, some user who needs changes in de system
-gots'ta always be free t'make dem himself, o' hire any available honky
-codema' o' company t'make dem fo' him. 'S coo', bro. Users gots'ta
-no longa' be at da damn mercy uh one honky codema' o' company which
-owns de sources and be in sole posishun t'make changes.
-
-Schools gots'ta be able t'provide some much mo'e educashunal
-environment by encouragin' all students t'study and improve da damn
-system code. What it is, Mama! Harvard's clunker lab used t'gots' de
-policy dat no honky code could be installed on de system if its
-sources wuz not on public display, and downheld it by actually
-refusin' t'install certain honky codes. ah' wuz real much inspired by
-dis.
-
-Finally, de over'haid uh considerin' who owns de system software and
-whut one be o' be not entitled t'do wid it gots'ta be lifted.
-
-Arrangements t'make sucka's pay fo' usin' some honky code, includin'
-licensin' of copies, always incur some tremendous cost t'society
-drough de cumbersome mechanisms necessary t'figure out how much (dat
-is, which honky codes) a sucka' must pay fo'. And only some honky
-pigs state kin fo'ce everyone t'obey dem. 'S coo', bro. Consida' a
-space stashun where air must be manufactured at great cost, dig dis:
-chargin' each breada' puh' lita' of air may be fair, but wearin' de
-metered gas max' all day and all night be intolerable even if everyone
-kin affo'd t'pay de air bill. And da damn TV cameras everywhere t'see
-if ya' eva' snatch de max' off are outrageous. It's betta' to
-suppo't da damn air plant wid some 'haid tax and chuck de max's.
-
-Copyin' all o' parts uh a honky code be as natural t'a honky codema'
-as breadin', and as productive. What it is, Mama! It ought t'be as
-free. What it is, Mama!
-
-
-Some Easily Rebutted Objecshuns t'GNU's Goals
-
- "Nobody gots'ta use it if it be free, cuz' dat means
- dey kin't rely on any suppo't."
- "You's gots'ta charge fo' de honky code
- t'pay fo' providin' de suppo't."
-
-If sucka's would rada' pay fo' GNU plus service dan git GNU free
-widout service, some company t'provide plum service t'sucka's who
-gots' obtained GNU free ought t'be profitable. What it is, Mama!
-
-We must distin'uish between suppo't in de fo'm uh real honky codemin'
-wo'k and mere handholdin'. De fo'ma' is sump'n one kinnot rely on fum
-a software vendo'. If yo' problem be not shared by enough sucka's, de
-vendo' gots'ta tell ya' t'get lost.
-
-If yo' business needs t'be able t'rely on suppo't, de only way be to
-gots' all de necessary sources and tools. Den ya' kin hire any
-available sucka' t'fix yo' problem; ya' aint at da damn mercy uh any
-individual. Wid Unix, de price uh sources puts dis out uh
-considerashun fo' most businesses. Wid GNU dis gots'ta be easy. Slap
-mah fro! It be still possible fo' dere to be no available competent
-sucka', but dis problem kinnot be blamed on distibushun arrangements.
-GNU duz not eliminate all de wo'ld's problems, only some uh dem. 'S
-coo', bro.
-
-Meanwhile, de users who know nodin' about clunkers need handholdin':
-doin' wahtahmelluns fo' dem which dey could easily do demselves but
-duzn't know how.
-
-Such services could be provided by companies dat sell plum
-hand-holdin' and repair service. What it is, Mama! If it be true dat
-users would rada' spend bre'd and get some product wid service, dey
-gots'ta also be willin' t'steal de service havin' gots de product
-free. What it is, Mama! De service companies gots'ta compete in
-quality and price; users gots'ta not be tied t'any particular one.
-What it is, Mama! Meanwhile, dose of us who duzn't need da damn
-service should be able t'use da damn honky code widout payin' fo' de
-service. What it is, Mama!
-
- "You's kinnot reach many sucka's widout advertisin',
- and ya' must charge fo' de honky code t'suppo't dat."
- "It's no use advertisin' some honky code sucka's kin git free. What
- it is, Mama!"
-
-Dere are various fo'ms uh free o' real cheap publicity dat kin be used
-to info'm numbers uh clunker users about sump'n likes GNU. But it may
-be true dat one kin reach mo'e microclunker users wid advertisin'. If
-dis is really so, some business which advertises de service uh copyin'
-and mailin' GNU fo' some fee ought t'be successful enough t'pay fo'
-its advertisin' and mo'e. What it is, Mama! Dis way, only de users
-who benefit fum de advertisin' pay fo' it.
-
-On de oda' hand, if many sucka's git GNU fum deir homeys, and such
-companies duzn't succeed, dis gots'ta show dat advertisin' wuz not
-really necessary t'spread GNU. Why be it dat free market advocates
-duzn't wants' to let da damn free market decide dis?
-
- "My company needs some proprietary opuh'tin' system
- t'get some competitive edge. What it is, Mama!"
-
-GNU gots'ta remove opuh'tin' system software fum de realm uh
-competishun. You's gots'ta not be able t'get an edge in dis area, but
-neida' gots'ta yo' competito's be able t'get an edge ova' ya'. You's
-and dey gots'ta compete in oda' areas, while benefittin' mutually in
-dis one. What it is, Mama! If yo' business is sellin' an opuh'tin'
-system, ya' gots'ta not likes GNU, but dat's tough on ya'. If yo'
-business be sump'n else, GNU kin save ya' fum bein' pushed into de
-'espensive business uh sellin' opuh'tin' systems.
-
-I would likes t'see GNU development suppo'ted by gifts fum many
-manufacturers and users, reducin' de cost t'each.
-
- "Don't honky codemers deserve some reward fo' deir creativity?"
-
-If anydin' deserves some reward, it be social contribushun.
-Creativity kin be some social contribushun, but only in so's far as
-society be free t'use de results. If honky codemers deserve t'be
-rewarded fo' creatin' innovative honky codes, by de same token dey
-deserve t'be punished if dey restrict de use uh dese honky codes.
-
- "Shouldn't some honky codema' be able t'ax' fo' some reward fo' his
- creativity?"
-
-Dere be nodin' wrong wid wants'in' pay fo' wo'k, o' seekin' t'maximize
-one's income, as long as one duz not use means dat are destructive.
-What it is, Mama! But de means customary in de field uh software
-today are based on destrucshun.
-
-Extractin' bre'd fum users uh a honky code by restrictin' deir use uh
-it is destructive cuz' de restricshuns reduce da damn amount and da
-damn ways dat de honky code kin be used. Dis reduces de amount uh
-weald dat humanity derives fum de honky code. When dere be a
-deliberate choice t'restrict, de harmful consequences are deliberate
-destrucshun.
-
-De reason some baaaad citizen duz not use such destructive means
-t'become wealdia' is dat, if everyone dun did so, we would all become
-poo'a' from de mutual destructiveness. Dis be Kantian edics; o', de
-Golden Rule. What it is, Mama! Since ah' do not likes de
-consequences dat result if everyone ho'ds info'mashun, ah' am required
-t'consida' it wrong fo' one t'do so. Specifically, de desire t'be
-rewarded fo' one's creativity duz not justify deprivin' de wo'ld in
-general uh all o' part uh dat creativity. Slap mah fro!
-
- "Won't honky codemers starve?"
-
-I could answa' dat nobody be fo'ced t'be some honky codemer. Ah be
-baaad... Most uh us kinnot manage t'get any bre'd fo' standin' on de
-street and makin' faces. But we aint, as some result, condemned
-t'spend our lives standin' on de street makin' faces, and starvin'.
-We do sump'n else. What it is, Mama!
-
-But dat be de wrong answa' a'cuz it accepts de quesshuner's implicit
-assumpshun: dat widout ownership uh software, honky codemers kinnot
-possibly be paid some cent. Supposedly it be all o' nodin'.
-
-De real reason honky codemers gots'ta not starve be dat it gots'ta
-still be possible fo' dem t'get paid fo' honky codemin'; plum not paid
-as much as now.
-
-Restrictin' copyin' be not da damn only basis fo' business in
-software. What it is, Mama! It is de most common basis cuz' it
-brin's in de most bre'd. If it wuz prohibited, o' rejected by de
-customer, software business would move to oda' bases uh o'ganizashun
-which are now used less often. 'S coo', bro. Dere are always
-numerous ways t'o'ganize any kind'a business.
-
-Probably honky codemin' gots'ta not be as lucrative on de new basis as
-it is now. But dat be not an argument against da damn change. What
-it is, Mama! It be not considered an injustice dat sales clerks make
-da damn salaries dat dey now do. If honky codemers made da damn same,
-dat would not be an injustice eider. Ah be baaad... (In practice dey
-would still make considerably mo'e dan dat.)
-
- "Don't sucka's gots' some right t'control how deir creativity be used?"
-
-"Control ova' de use uh one's ideas" really constitutes control ova'
-oder sucka's's lives; and it be usually used t'make deir lives mo'e
-difficult.
-
-People who gots' studied da damn issue uh intellectual propuh'ty
-rights carefully (such as lawyers) say dat dere be no intrinsic right
-t'intellectual propuh'ty. Slap mah fro! De kinds uh supposed
-intellectual propuh'ty rights dat de guv'ment recognizes wuz created
-by specific acts uh legislashun fo' specific purposes.
-
-Fo' 'esample, de patent system wuz established t'encourage invento's
-to disclose da damn details uh deir invenshuns. Its purpose wuz
-t'help society rada' dan t'help invento's. At da damn time, de life
-span uh 17 years fo' a patent wuz sho't compared wid de rate uh
-advance uh de state uh de art. Since patents are an issue only among
-manufacturers, fo' whom de cost and effo't uh a license agreement are
-little-ass compared wid settin' down producshun, de patents often do
-not do much harm. 'S coo', bro. Dey do not obstruct most individuals
-who use patented products.
-
-De idea uh copyright dun did not 'esist in ancient times, when audo's
-frequently copied oda' audo's at lengd in wo'ks uh non-ficshun. Dis
-practice wuz useful, and be de only way many audo's' wo'ks gots'
-survived even in part. De copyright system wuz created 'espressly fo'
-de purpose of encouragin' audo'ship. In de domain fo' which it wuz
-invented--scribblin's, which could be copied economically only on some
-printin' press--it dun did little harm, and dun did not obstruct most
-uh de individuals who eyeball de scribblin's.
-
-All intellectual propuh'ty rights are plum licenses granted by society
-a'cuz it wuz dought, rightly o' wrongly, dat society as some whole
-would benefit by grantin' dem. 'S coo', bro. But in any particular
-situashun, we gots'ta ax': are we really betta' off grantin' such
-license? What kind'a act are we licensin' some sucka' t'do?
-
-De case uh honky codes today be very different fum dat uh scribblin's
-some hundred years ago. De fact dat da damn easiest way t'copy some
-honky code be from one neighbo' t'anoder, de fact dat some honky code
-gots'ta bod source code and object code which are distinct, and da
-damn fact dat some honky code be used rader dan eyeball and enjoyed,
-combine t'create some situashun in which some sucka' who enfo'ces some
-copyright be harmin' society as some whole bod materially and
-spiritually; in which some sucka' should not do so's regardless uh
-wheda' de law enables him to.
-
- "Competishun makes wahtahmelluns git done better. Ah be baaad..."
-
-De paradigm uh competishun be a race, dig dis: by rewardin' de winner,
-we encourage everyone t'run faster. Ah be baaad... When capitalism
-really wo'ks dis way, it duz some baaaad job; but its defenders are
-wrong in assumin' it always wo'ks dis way. Slap mah fro! If de
-runners fo'get why de reward be offered and become intent on winnin',
-no matta' how, dey may find oda' strategies--such as, attackin' oda'
-runners. If de runners git into some fist fight, dey will all finish
-late. What it is, Mama!
-
-Proprietary and secret software be de mo'al equivalent uh runners in a
-fist fight. Sad t'say, de only referee we've gots duz not seem to
-object t'fights; he plum regulates dem ("Fo' every ten yards ya' run,
-ya' are allowed one kick."). He really ought t'boogie dem down, and
-penalize runners fo' even tryin' t'fight.
-
- "Won't everyone stop honky codemin' widout some monetary incentive?"
-
-Actually, many sucka's gots'ta honky code wid absolutely no monetary
-incentive. What it is, Mama! Programmin' gots'ta an irresistible
-fascinashun fo' some sucka's, usually de sucka's who are best at it.
-Dere be no sho'tage uh professional beatians who keep at it even dough
-dey gots' no hope uh makin' some livin' dat way. Slap mah fro!
-
-But really dis quesshun, dough commonly ax'ed, be not appropriate t'de
-situashun. Pay fo' honky codemers gots'ta not disappear, only become
-less. So de right quesshun is, gots'ta anyone honky code wid some
-reduced monetary incentive? My 'espuh'ience shows dat dey will.
-
-Fo' mo'e dan ten years, many uh de wo'ld's best honky codemers wo'ked
-at de Artificial Intelligence Lab fo' far less bre'd dan dey could
-gots' had anywhere else. What it is, Mama! Dey gots many kinds uh
-non-monetary rewards, dig dis: fame and appreciashun, fo' 'esample.
-What it is, Mama! And creativity be also fun, some reward in itself.
-
-Den most uh dem left when offered some chance t'do de same interestin'
-wo'k fo' some lot uh bre'd.
-
-What da damn facts show be dat sucka's gots'ta honky code fo' reasons
-oda' dan riches; but if given some chance t'make some lot uh bre'd as
-sheeit, dey will come t''spect and demand it. Low-payin'
-o'ganizashuns do poo'ly in competishun wid high-payin' ones, but dey
-do not gots'ta do bad-assly if de high-payin' ones are banned.
-
- "We need da damn honky codemers despuh'tely. Slap mah fro! If dey
- demand dat we stop helpin' our neighbo's, we gots'ta obey. Slap mah
- fro!"
-
-Youse neva' so despuh'te dat ya' gots'ta obey dis radical demand.
-Remember, dig dis: millions fo' defense, but not some cent fo'
-tribute. Right On!
-
- "Programmers need t'make some livin' somehow."
-
-In de sho't run, dis be true. What it is, Mama! However, dere are
-plenty uh ways dat honky codemers could make some livin' widout
-sellin' de right t'use some honky code. Dis way be customary now cuz'
-it brin's honky codemers and businessmen de most bre'd, not cuz' it be
-de only way t'make some livin'. It be easy to find oda' ways if ya'
-wanna find dem. 'S coo', bro. Here are some numba' of 'esamples.
-
-A manufactura' introducin' some new clunker gots'ta pay fo' de po'tin'
-of opuh'tin' systems onto de new hardware. What it is, Mama!
-
-De sale uh teachin', hand-holdin' and maintenance services could also
-employ honky codemers.
-
-People wid new ideas could distribute honky codes as freeware, ax'in'
-fo' donashuns fum satisfied users, o' sellin' hand-holdin' services.
-ah' gots' met sucka's who are already wo'kin' dis way successfully.
-Slap mah fro!
-
-Users wid related needs kin fo'm users' grodowns, and pay dues. A
-grodown would contract wid honky codemin' companies t'scribble honky
-codes dat de grodown's members would likes t'use. What it is, Mama!
-
-All so'ts uh development kin be funded wid some Software Tax, dig dis:
-
- S'pose everyone who steals some clunker gots'ta t'pay x puh'cent of
- de price as some software tax. De guv'ment gives dis to an agency
- likes de NSF t'spend on software development.
-
- But if de clunker steala' makes some donashun t'software development
- himself, he kin snatch some credit against da damn tax. He kin donate
- to de project uh his own choosin'--often, chosen cuz' he hopes to use
- da damn results when it be done. What it is, Mama! He kin snatch
- some credit fo' any amount uh donashun down t'de total tax he had
- t'pay. Slap mah fro!
-
- De total tax rate could be decided by some vote uh de payers of de
- tax, weighted acco'din' t'de amount dey gots'ta be taxed on. 'S coo',
- bro.
-
- De consequences, dig dis:
- * de clunker-usin' community suppo'ts software development.
- * dis community decides whut level uh suppo't be needed.
- * users who care which projects deir share be spent on
- kin choose dis fo' demselves.
-
-In de long run, makin' honky codes free be a step toward da damn
-post-scarcity wo'ld, where nobody gots'ta t'wo'k real hard plum to
-make some livin'. People gots'ta be free t'devote demselves
-t'activities dat are fun, such as honky codemin', afta' spendin' de
-necessary ten hours some week on required tax's such as legislashun,
-family counselin', robot repair and asteroid prospectin'. Dere
-gots'ta be no need t'be able to make some livin' fum honky codemin'.
-
-We gots' already greatly reduced da damn amount uh wo'k dat da damn
-whole society must do fo' its actual productivity, but only some
-little uh dis has translated itself into leisho' nuff fo' wo'kers cuz'
-much nonproductive activity be required t'accompany productive
-activity. Slap mah fro! De main causes uh dis are bureaucracy and
-isometric struggles against competishun. Free software gots'ta
-greatly reduce dese drains in de area uh software producshun. We must
-do dis, in o'da' fo' technical gains in productivity t'translate into
-less wo'k fo' us.
-
-Copyright (C) 1985 Richard M. Stallman
-
- Permission be granted t'anyone t'make o' distribute verbatim copies
- uh dis document as received, in any medium, provided dat de
- copyright notice and puh'mission notice are preserved,
- and dat da damn distributo' grants de recipient puh'mission
- fo' furda' redistribushun as puh'mitted by daintice. What it is, Mama!
-
- Modified versions may not be made. What it is, Mama!
-
-
-
\ No newline at end of file
Index: gullibility.virus
===================================================================
RCS file: gullibility.virus
diff -N gullibility.virus
--- gullibility.virus 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,70 +0,0 @@
-WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
-Internet
-Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected
-by
-a new virus that causes them to believe without question every
-groundless
-story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their Inbox or on their
-browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people
-believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes,
-E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps
-conspiracy theories should be included here].
-
-"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
-tickets
-based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise
-normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a
-stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become
-infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on
-the
-Internet.
-
-"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one
-weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story
-my
-friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
-
-Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about 'Good
-Times,' I just accepted it without question. After all, there were
-dozens
-of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be
-true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at
-a
-Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been
-hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check
-whatever you read," she says.
-
-Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
-virus,
-which include the following:
-
- * the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
-
- * the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
-
- * a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
-is
-true
-
-T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
-"I
-read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes
-your
-hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the
-Gullibility Virus, T . C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he
-would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to
-seek
-help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of
-gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and
-look
-up
-the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends,
-and
-tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
-community.
---
-Scott D. Webster mailto:address@hidden
-Etc Services
-http://www.etcservices.com
-Voice: 201.385.7113 Pager: 800.379.2402
- Linux, UNIX, & TCP/IP Network Consulting
\ No newline at end of file
Index: happy-new-year.cfbC
===================================================================
RCS file: happy-new-year.cfbC
diff -N happy-new-year.cfbC
--- happy-new-year.cfbC 13 Feb 2001 01:22:25 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,12 +0,0 @@
-cat /*dev/null; echo "Happy New Year"\!
-cat <<c*/ /*dev/null | cat > /dev/null
-c */ () {} /*
-c */ main() { cat(); printf("Happy New Year!\n"); } /*
-17 format(' Happy New Year!')
- write (6,17)
- stop
- end
-c This program runs in four languages with the same effect.
-c The languages are C, Fortran, C Shell and Bourne Shell.
-c Written by Vadim Antonov, address@hidden
-c*/
Index: know.your.sysadmin
===================================================================
RCS file: know.your.sysadmin
diff -N know.your.sysadmin
--- know.your.sysadmin 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,499 +0,0 @@
-Hello,
-
-Couldn't find that in the humour page... it's old, but still good...
-
----
- Durval Menezes.
-
-
-Know your Unix System Administrator
-
- (a field guide)
-
-
-
- There are four major species of Unix sysad:
-
- 1.The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced
-into system
- administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell,
-sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
- 2.The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a
-harridan
- ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
- 3.The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the
-Mossad nor Cuba are
- willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into
-system administration;
- occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
- 4.The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer
-selected to be the
- system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and
-old COBOL programmers.
-
-
-
- HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
-
- SITUATION: Low disk space.
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
-maintain a database of
-historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares
-regression analysis, identify users
-who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to
-the offending parties.
-Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by
-nature, either ignore
-script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk
-quotas. Allows no
-exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over
-quota.
-
-MANIAC:
-
- # cd /home
- # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # cd /home
- # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n",
-$2}'` | compress
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain
-a database of CPU
-usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm,
-and renice offending
-processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
-database into oblivion, bringing
-operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas.
-Locks
-accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling
-development work, much to the
-delight of the xtrek freaks.
-
-MANIAC:
-
- # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print
-$2}'`
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk
-'{print $2}'`
-
-
-
- SITUATION: New account creation.
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies
-in incomprehensible
-default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and
-/etc/group. (By hand,
-NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
-handle new accounts. Usually,
-said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter'
-and 'return'; and so, no new
-accounts are ever created.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people
-without accounts
-cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic
-requirements; and so, no new accounts
-are ever created.
-
-MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I
-don't want you on the
-system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box
-anyway."
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
- # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Root disk fails
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from
-boot monitor. Failing
-that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on
-neighboring machine to load binary
-boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
-over the weekend while he
-goes mountain climbing.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the
-drive. Refuses to
-fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.
-
-MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash
-same to
-flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer
-while they put in a new drive and
-reinstall the OS.
-
-MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer to
-smash same to
-flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while
-putting in new drive and
-reinstalling OS.
-
-IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Poor network response.
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire
-machine room,
-improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I
-can do," and goes
-mountain climbing.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up
-Berkeley and AT&T,
-badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks
-fired.
-
-MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for
-connections to time out.
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # compress -f /dev/en0
-
-
-
- SITUATION: User questions
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new users
-questions.
-Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for
-that matter, emacs.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains
-queue of questions.
-Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of
-the proper form.
-
-MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge
-for powerful drink
-and/or sycophantic adulation.
-
-IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user
-realizes few UNIX systems
-support punched cards or JCL.
-
-
-
- Stupid user questions
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or French
-until user gives up
-and goes away.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can present
-documentation
-demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
-
-MANIAC:
-
- # cat > > ~luser/.cshrc
- alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z
-~/.cshrc'
- ^D
-
-IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to
-system administration
-team.
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Process accounting management
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to
-sniff out any
-problems & compute charges.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records
-owned by root
-and chmod'ed 000.
-
-MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD.
-Places frequent
-calls to DEA.
-
-MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run
-quickly.
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # cd c:
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves
-the jackboots.
-
-MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much
-Big Financial
-Institutions love IBM...
-
-IDIOT: AIX.
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer
-support every time
-the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job
-fired.
-
-MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print
-queues, and maybe restarts
-the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
-
-
-
- SITUATION: OS upgrade
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he
-likes.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having
-shipped a product
-with bugs in it in the first place.
-
-MANIAC:
-
- # uptime
- 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45,
-6.31
- # wall
- Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on
-that
- 5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
- ^D
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Balky mail
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in
-SNOBOL. Hacks
-kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better"
-semaphores. Rewrites
-sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts
-that go over mail use
-quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail,
-thus solving problem.
-
-MANIAC:
-
- # kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
- # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
- # wall
- Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
-
- ^D
- # write max
- I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
- ^D
-
-IDIOT:
-
- # echo "HELP!" | mail
-tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
-
-
-
- SITUATION: Users want phone list application
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go
-back to post-it
-notes.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it
-notes.
-
-MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant
-man to keep track of phone
-numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
-
-IDIOT:
-
- % dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
-
-
-
- OTHER GUIDELINES
-
- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a
-perl script, rewrites
-itself.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
-
- umask 777
- alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >
-/dev/null &'
-
-MANIAC: Typical lines include:
-
- alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
- alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
- alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
- alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
-
-IDIOT: Typical lines include:
-
- alias dir ls
- alias era rm
- alias kitty cat
- alias process_table ps
- setenv DISPLAY vt100
-
-
-
- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes
-INTERCAL scripts.
-Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old
-TVs to listen in on
-cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.
-
-MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
-card-key logs. Modifies old
-TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.
-
-IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter.
-Rereads flowcharts
-from his salad days at Rand.
-
-
-
- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at
-poetry readings and
-Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf. Sometimes
-turns up car
-radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs
-out in yuppie bars and
-tries to pick up dominatrixes.
-
-MANIAC: Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends Dickies and
-Ramones concerts.
-Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything,
-but favors Wild Turkey,
-Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries
-to pick up MOTAS by
-drinking longshoremen under the table .
-
-IDIOT: Reads Time and Newsweek -- and *believes* them. Drinks
-Jagermeister. Tries to pick up
-close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of
-idiots.
-
-
-
- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he
-liked Tipper.
-
-MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
-
-IDIOT: Perot.
-
-
-
- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
-
-TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
-
-ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
-
-MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
-
-IDIOT: Quayle.
-
-
-
- COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
-
-TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent
-folk from ever using
-more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and
-load brings system to its
-knees.
-
-TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system,
-but are actually
-encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test
-sites for worms.
-
-TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an
-"rm -rf /".
-
-FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or
-imagined, shuts down
-system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
-
-FASCISTIC IDIOT:
-
- # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
-
-MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
-
-Stephan Zielinski
-
Index: last.bug
===================================================================
RCS file: last.bug
diff -N last.bug
--- last.bug 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,36 +0,0 @@
- THE LAST BUG
-
-"But you're out of your mind,"
-They said with a shrug.
-"The customer's happy;
-What's one little bug?"
-
-But he was determined.
-The others went home.
-He spread out the program,
-Deserted, alone.
-
-The cleaning men came,
-The whole room was cluttered
-With memory-dumps, punch cards.
-"I'm close," he muttered.
-
-The mumbling got louder,
-Simple deduction,
-"I've got it, it's right,
-Just change one instruction."
-
-It still wasn't perfect,
-As year followed year,
-And strangers would comment,
-"Is that guy still here?"
-
-He died at the console,
-Of hunger and thirst.
-Next day he was buried,
-Face down, nine-edge first.
-
-And the last bug in sight,
-An ant passing by,
-Saluted his tombstone,
-And whispered, "Nice try."
Index: lawyers
===================================================================
RCS file: lawyers
diff -N lawyers
--- lawyers 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,636 +0,0 @@
-------
-I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been posted
-already, but here goes:
-
-Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
-location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
-
-The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
-to screw her!"
-
-The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of
-What?"
-------
->From the official list of usenet lawyer jokes.
-I think the owner of this list should post them again............
-
-But there are good lawyer stories. Here is a bit of Hollywood Trivia.
-
-During the making of the moview "Jaws", Steven Spielburgs first mega-hit,
-the special effects crew named the mechanical 25 foot sharks "Bruce",
-after Spielburgs lawyer. The runing joke was, "Why won't a shark eat a
-lawyer? Proffesional Courtesy".
-------
-Lemme see. What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks
-in pig shit?
-
-Not enough pig shit.
-------
-
-Q & A form jokes
-
-Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
-A: A good start!
-
-Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
-A: His lips are moving.
-
-Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
- in the road?
-A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-
-Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
-A: Professional courtesy.
-
-Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
-A: Not enough sand.
-
-Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
-A: Cut the rope.
-
-Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
-A1: Take your foot off his head.
-A2: No. Good!
-
-Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
-A: The bucket.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
-A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
-
-Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
-A: There was an empty seat.
-
-Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
-A: Stick his bill up his ass.
-
-Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
-A: An offer you can't understand
-
-Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
-A. From chasing parked ambulances.
-
-Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
-A. In the cemetary
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
-A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
-
-Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
-A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-
-Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
-A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
-
-Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
-A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
- defiance
-
-Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
-A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
-
-Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
-A. It might be your bicycle.
-
-Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
-A. Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
-------
-
-Longer jokes:
-
-A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
-The housewife replies: "Four!".
-
-The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
-figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
-
-The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
-"How much do you want it to be?"
------
-A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
-remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
-brain store. So he asks the butcher:
-"How much for Engineer brain?"
-"3 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
-"4 dollars an ounce."
-"How much for lawyer brain?"
-"100 dollars an ounce."
-"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
-"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
------
-A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
-living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
-day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's
-wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
-and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
-"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced,
-"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and
-promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to
-Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The
-teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
-Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
-like that to a seven-year-old?"
------
-A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
-thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
-surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
-to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
-of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
-front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer
-said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
-
-St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
-your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
-----
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
-was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
-"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
-more of them."
------
-A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
-it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
-thief go first, and the executioner follow."
------
-"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
-had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
-since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
-that question."
------
-The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
-After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
-professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
-station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
-to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
-Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
-huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
-announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
-the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
-a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
-once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
-more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
-Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
-Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
-The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
-deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
-spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
-
-Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
-this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
-times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
-get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
-he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
------
-Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
-the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
-had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a
-warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
-your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your
-honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
-went and took the car I stole."
------
-"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
-your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
-wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
------
-A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
-defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
-influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
-would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
-looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
-lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
-
-The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
-judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
-it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
-jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
-waited.
-
-After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
-the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
-When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
-yet?"
-
-The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
-nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
-------
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-------
-A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
-grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
-little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
-grave?"
-
-"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
-
-"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
------
-The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
-least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
-----
-These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
-the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
-better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
-some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
-cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
-guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
-us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
-balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
-man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
-"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
-
-That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-------
-For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
-this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
-innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
-his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
-lover with an infant on her lap!
-
-"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
-cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
-the baby would have my name!"
-
-"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
-all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
-bastard in the family than a lawyer."
------
-God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
-and for all.
-
-When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
-going to find a lawyer?"
------
-Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
-walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
-mythological creatures.
-------
-A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
-his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
-it.
-
-"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
-
-"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
-it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
-could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
-
-"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
-"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
-exclaim, "That's Strange!"
------
-The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
-going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
-Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
-the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
-
-1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
- This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
- conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
-
-2) Lawyers breed faster.
-
-3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
- won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
-
-4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
- hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.
------
-A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
-to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
-lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
-line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
-backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a
-Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
-freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the
-country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one
-morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
-berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
-gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
-two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
-bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
-and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
-back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the
-local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back
-to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
-there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
-visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
-had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
-batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
-"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
-"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
-you that the Czech was in the Male?"
------
-It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
-emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
-came over to see him.
-
-"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
-court when you accused me of malpractice."
-
-"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
-it be?"
-
-"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
-
-"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
-know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
-
-"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
-
-"What are you talking about?"
-
-"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
-everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
-
-"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
-
-"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
-out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
-
-"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
-
-"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
-were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
-treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
-Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
-headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
-Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
-
-"Why are you reading that to me?"
-
-"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
-diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
-
-"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
-
-"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
-I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
-
-"Then get me another doctor."
-
-"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
-malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the
-only place that I can practice."
-
-"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
-your case to a higher court."
-
-"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
-kidney stone."
-
-"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
-him."
-
-"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
-addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
-stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
-Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to
-be in a lot of pain.' "
-
-"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
-Demerol?"
-
-"I better check you out first."
-
-"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
-
-"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
-patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
-Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
-
-"What for?"
-
-"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
-lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
-
-"I'm not going to sue you."
-
-"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
-pass the kidney stone?"
--------
-A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
-
-The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
-into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the
-world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
-produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
-away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
-thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
-
-The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
-to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
-Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
-have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
-he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
-quite impressed.
-
-At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
-the Lawyer through it...
-----
-A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
-steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
-running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
-to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
-"Absolutely."
-
-"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
-today."
-
-The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
-[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
-brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
-
-Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
-be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
-the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
-----
-A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
-when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
-farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had
-only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
-animals. The three quickly agreed.
-
-The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
-beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
-door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
-pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
-pig!"
-
-The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
-with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
-bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
-room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
-
-The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
-no problem sleeping with animals.
-
-In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
-entered...
------
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-
-A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
-
-A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
-
-A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
- looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-
-A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
- party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
- forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
- of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
- lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
- from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
- area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
- of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
- party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
- aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
- removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
- following steps:
-
- 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
- elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
- any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
- (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
- a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
-
- 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
- Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
- ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
- option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
- manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
- statutes.
-
- 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
- first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
- of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
- installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
- the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
- being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
- direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
-
- NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
- the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
- authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
- revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
-
-------
-If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
-one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
-------
-BMW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
-island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
-------
-The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
-sins:
-
-1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
- were guilty.
-
-2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
-
-3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
-
-4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
- controversial case.
-
-And the list goes on for quite awhile.
-
-The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
-things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
-Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
-panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
-correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St.
-Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
-tell him to go to hell."
-------
-When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
-means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
-feet.
-------
-It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
-pockets.
-------
-A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
-you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
-the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
-------
-I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
-pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
-Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
-------
-
- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
-**********************************************************************
-
- 1300.01 GENERAL
-
- 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
- harvest attorneys.
-
- 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
- use of currency as bait is prohibited.
-
- 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
- accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
- nearest car wash.
-
- 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
- machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
-
- 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
- Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
-
- 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
- dealerships.
-
- 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
- prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
-
- 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
- courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
- ambulances, or hospitals.
-
- 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
- felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
-
- 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
- inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
-
- 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
- reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
- victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
- attorneys.
-
- BAG LIMITS
-
- 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
- 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
- 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
- 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
- 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
- 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
- 7. Cut-throat 2
- 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
- 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
- 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
- 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
-
-Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, "The Ultimate
-Lawyers Joke Book" Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
------
-
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-|"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. |
-| Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx|
-+------------------------------------------------------+
-
-
Index: long-options
===================================================================
RCS file: long-options
diff -N long-options
--- long-options 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,45 +0,0 @@
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Date: Tue, 19 Nov 91 01:54:30 +0100
-From: address@hidden
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: Re: New poll. PRO MINUS MINUS. ANTI MINUS EQUALS.
-Newsgroups: gnu.announce
-References: <address@hidden>
-
-In gnu.announce R M Stallman wrote:
-
-> `--' as a prefix,
-> `-=' as a prefix,
-
->* How easy is it to type each of these alternatives.
-
-In the beginning was the UNIX and the UNIX spoke and said "Hello
-world\n". Not did it say "Hello New Jersey\n", nor "Hello USA\n". But
-it said "Hello world\n". For the joy of good computing is not for
-USAmericans alone, but for the whole world to share. And the UNIX saw
-that this was good.
-
-And so says the holy manual, that a USAmerican keyboard layout has
-minus and equals, both unshifted, on two keys next to each other. But
-the book of internationalization of the holy manual says that so is
-not the case in some other countries. For example, says the book of
-internationalization, a Swedish keyboard has minus, unshifted, on the
-key corresponding to USAmerican slash, while the equals, on the same
-keyboard, is typed as a shifted digit zero.
-
-Thus, teaches us the gospel, the sequence "-=" as a prefix for long
-options would be very hard for Swedish computer users (and many others
-world wide) to type.
-
->* How error-prone are they.
-
-Dunno.
-
->* How esthetically clean are they.
-
-Of course, the "long minus" ("--") is an ideal prefix for "long
-options". I congratulate the inventor of this idea and hope it wins.
---
-Lars Aronsson, Lysator computer club, Linkoping University, Sweden
- address@hidden Voice phone at home +46-13-17 2143
-
Index: look-and-feel
===================================================================
RCS file: look-and-feel
diff -N look-and-feel
--- look-and-feel 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,17 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden
-Subject: New Look and Feel case
-To: address@hidden
-Date: Fri, 03 Aug 90 13:01:03 EDT
-
-In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church,
-claiming Catholisism copied the "look and feel" of the religion.
-Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a mono-theistic
-religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh(R), The
-Old Testament(C), and the use of "CH"(tm) for the "H" sound, is suing for 2000
-years of back royalties. They are also asking that the court disallow
-the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all textbooks.
-
-The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokeman from the Vatican
-stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by
-the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the
-separation of church and state. More news as the case develops.
Index: luser-vs-rms
===================================================================
RCS file: luser-vs-rms
diff -N luser-vs-rms
--- luser-vs-rms 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,27 +0,0 @@
-Resent-Date: Mon, 02 Aug 93 10:57:21 -0700
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-From: david d `zoo' zuhn <address@hidden>
-Organization: Cygnus Support -- +1 415 903 1434
-To: address@hidden
-Subject:
-Date: Mon, 02 Aug 93 10:57:21 -0700
-Sender: address@hidden
-Resent-From: owner-junk
-Resent-To: junk-people
-Resent-Reply-To: david d `zoo' zuhn <address@hidden>
-
-
-This is great. There are GNU users for whom the name 'rms' is completely
-unknown.
-
-This guy sent in a request for a GUI GDB to the configure mailing list. I
-sent him an answer, and I got this back from him....
-
- ------- Forwarded Message
-
- Thanx for the info. By the way I received a rather unfriendly response to
- the query from a "rms, Richard Stallman" at your site. It sounded like
- a philistine user, and I'm sorry if my query went to the wrong site, but
- you might try to have controlled response privileges for such users.
-
- ------- End of Forwarded Message
Index: microsoft-church
===================================================================
RCS file: microsoft-church
diff -N microsoft-church
--- microsoft-church 7 Aug 2004 00:29:13 -0000 1.2
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,118 +0,0 @@
-MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
-
-By Hank Vorjes
-
-VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square
-this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the
-Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
-exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.
-If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software
-company has acquired a major world religion.
-
-With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
-vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
-Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
-Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
-MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
-
-"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to
-ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the
-Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for
-a broader range of people."
-
-Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we
-will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and
-revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
-indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
-receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without
-leaving your home."
-
-A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
-language which you can program to download heavenly graces
-automatically while you are away from your computer.
-
-An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
-Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
-character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
-broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
-
-Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
-chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,"
-the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
-
-The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and
-the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such
-masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will
-face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
-these key intellectual properties.
-
-"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"
-said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of
-the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came
-on the scene."
-
-But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
-common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
-successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
-theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
-Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
-Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted
-by Christianity, lags behind.
-
-Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
-leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and
-entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms
-whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not
-they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
-denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.
-The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"
-echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every
-home".
-
-Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
-religious architecture that will support all religions through
-emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
-interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple
-of different implementations," said Gates.
-
-The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
-according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
-Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in
-the increasingly competitive religious market.
-
-
-KBviaNewsEDGE
-
-
-Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News
-Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20
-
-THE ABOVE MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED AND SHOULD NOT BE
-REPRODUCED OR DISTRIBUTED.
-
-
-
-And another:
-
-Bill Gates eventually arrives at the the day of judgement.
-
-St. Peter greets him, and explains that while he did contribute a lot of
-money to charities, he also ripped a lot of people off when they were forced
-to pay for his software if they wanted to buy a piece of hardware from a
-store.
-
-St. Peter says that under the circumstances, he will give Gates the choice
-of going to heaven or going to hell, and offers a tour. Gates accepts, and
-first St. peter takes him to heaven. In heaven, Gates sees a very serene
-place, with people discussing philosophy and walking together through a
-wooded landscape.
-
-They then move on to hell. Gates sees a big beach party, with everyone
-fornicating, smoking cigarettes, eating gourmet food, and drinking.
-
-When Gates is asked, he chooses to go to hell, and is immediately plunged
-into a firey furnace with the screams of tortured souls deafening him.
-
-"Hey, St. Pete, what's all this?" screams Gates "Where's the beach party?".
-"Oh, I only showed you the demo version." St.Peter replies.
-
Index: midnight.dreary
===================================================================
RCS file: midnight.dreary
diff -N midnight.dreary
--- midnight.dreary 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,66 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Roy H. Wells)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: The Computer--Nevermore
-Keywords: smirk, computer
-Date: 17 Jul 91 10:30:03 GMT
-Organization: Vitalink Communications, Fremont, California
-
-A friend of mine sent the following to me (apologies to Edgar Allan Poe...)
-
-Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
-System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
-Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
-Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
-Having reached the bottom line,
-I took a floppy from the drawer.
-Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
-But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
-
-Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
-These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
-Carefully, I weighed my options.
-These three seemed to be the top ones.
-Clearly I must now adopt one:
-Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
-
-With my fingers pale and trembling,
-SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
-Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
-Praying for some guarantee
-Finally I pressed a key--
-But on the screen what did I see?
-Again: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
-
-I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
-I pressed again, but twice as hard.
-Luck was just not in the cards.
-I saw what I had seen before.
-Now I typed in desperation
-Trying random combinations
-Still there came the incantation:
-Choose: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
-
-There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
-Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
-And then I saw an awful sight:
-A bold and blinding flash of light--
-A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
-I saw the screen collapse and die
-ROh no--my data base,S I cried
-I thought I heard a voice reply,
-RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S
-
-To this day I do not know
-The place to which lost data goes
-I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
-But as for productivity, well
-I fear that IT goes straight to hell
-And thatUs the tale I have to tell
-Your choice: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
-
---
-Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
-
-Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
-time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Index: more-shit
===================================================================
RCS file: more-shit
diff -N more-shit
--- more-shit 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,157 +0,0 @@
-Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 20:10:03 -0800
-From: address@hidden (Paul Rubin)
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: OLD JOKE: Shit Happens... (shouldn't there be more on Scientology?)
(fwd)
-Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
-In-Reply-To: <address@hidden>
-Organization: Netcom On-Line Services
-
-Most of this is not very good shit, but it's the most extensive
-heap I've seen so far... -phr
-
-------- start of forwarded message -------
-Path:
ix.netcom.com!newsfeeds.sol.net!nntp.uio.no!uninett.no!online.no!not-for-mail
-From: address@hidden (Andreas Heldal-Lund)
-Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
-Subject: OLD JOKE: Shit Happens... (shouldn't there be more on Scientology?)
-Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997 02:59:03 GMT
-Organization: Operation Clambake
-Lines: 1011
-Message-ID: <address@hidden>
-NNTP-Posting-Host: stavanger960.online.no
-X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/32.230
-
-CANONICAL: Shit Happens...
-
-
-
-Summary: Shit Happens
-Keywords: shit happens religion canonical rama-rama
-
-
-Send additions, corrections, etc. to address@hidden
-Send flames, insults, death threats, etc. to /dev/null
-This list includes the creative contributions of many members of
-the Usenet community. Their contributions are gratefully
-acknowledged.
-Version 1.25
-
-
-Have YOU ever wondered just WHY shit happens to you? Well,
-you're not alone. People have wondered about this fundamental
-question for many ages, and everyone seems to have a different
-theory. So, for your reading enjoyment, we have here a massive
-collection of various ways in which people have tried to
-explain why shit happens:
-
-==============================================================================
-
- SHIT HAPPENS
-
- in various world religions
- --------------------------
-
-Taoism: Shit happens.
- If you can shit, it isn't shit.
- Shit happens, so flow with it.
-
-Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
- She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
- she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with
-she-it)
- Please this flower and buy our shit.
-
-Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
- Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
- PROPERLY."
-
-Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
- If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
- Shit will happen again to you next time.
- Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
- have salvation.
-
-Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
- First, shit was shit.
- Then it wasn't.
- Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.
-
-7th Day Adventism:
- Shit happens on Saturdays.
-
-Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
- This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
- This shit happening IS you.
-
-Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else!
- If shit happens, praise the lord for it.
-
-Presbyterianism:
- This shit was bound to happen.
-
-Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
-
-Episcopalianism:
- If shit happens, hold a procession.
- It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve
- the right wine with it.
-
-Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve
- grape juice with it
-
-Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
- Have faith that shit will happen.
- If shit happens, don't talk about it.
-
-Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
-
-Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
- Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
-
-Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
- You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die
- shit.
-
-Charismatic Catholicism:
- Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love
- you anyway.
-
-Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the
- deal?
-
-Conservative Judaism:
- Why does shit always happen to US?
-
-Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
- Shit happens to whom it may concern.
-
-Orthodox Judaism:
- So shit happens, already!
-
-Islam: We don't take any shit.
-
-Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
- better submit!
- Shiite happens.
-
-Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
- If shit happens, take a hostage.
-
-Nation of Islam:
- Don't take no shit!
-
-Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
- Shit happens universally.
- All shit is truly shit.
-
-New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
- Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.
- This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
- I create my own shit.
- Visualize shit happening...
-
-Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
- The Goddess makes shit happen.
- An it harm none, let shit happen.
-
-Jehovah's Witness
\ No newline at end of file
Index: musical-pickup
===================================================================
RCS file: musical-pickup
diff -N musical-pickup
--- musical-pickup 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,35 +0,0 @@
-Path:
mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!yale!gumby!destroyer!uunet!sun-barr!ames!lll-winken!looking!funny-request
-From: address@hidden (JANE R. RING)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: Musical Pick-up puns
-Keywords: pun, smirk, original, sexual
-Message-ID: <address@hidden>
-Date: 12 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT
-Lines: 25
-Approved: address@hidden
-
-A pick-up expressed in musical terms:
-
- hymn (the guy)
- bar line (where he meets her)
- sax (what he wants)
- suite (what he says she is)
- sheet music (what she puts on the CD player in her room)
- sol-fa (what they lie down on)
- "Triad!" (he suggests tying her up with a major chord)
- "Duet!" (her answer)
- staff (what he pulls out next)
- score (what he does)
- no treble (what he's had)
- a trill (what he assumes she's had)
- a C note (what she hopes for)
- forte (what she's willing to accept)
- a tenor (what he ends up paying)
- "Bass!" (what she calls him)
- "Pitch!" (what he calls her)
-
- Amities, Jane
---
-Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
-If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to address@hidden instead.
Index: networkologist
===================================================================
RCS file: networkologist
diff -N networkologist
--- networkologist 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,70 +0,0 @@
-Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 18:55:41 -0500
-From: v3.1 <A.Networkologist'address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: A different Visit from St. Nicholas
-
-A Networkologist's Christmas (v3.1)
-
-" 'Tis the night before Christmas," , I thought with a frown.
-I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
-The routers were hung in the closet, all crashed.
-Their tables had holes in their data, all trashed.
-Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
-had erased DLLs Windows needed to run,
-on 84 desktops, way down in accounting.
-I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
-When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
-I saw that a server had something the matter.
-There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
-"No problem," I thought, "I'm set up with RAID 5.".
-But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
-had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
-"No problem," I thought, "I've tape backup to thank.".
-And then I discovered my backups were blank.
-The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
-I started to scream! I started to shout!
-But nobody heard as I vented my rage,
-my gurus were all on vacation those days,
-and nobody's tech support answered the phone.
-I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone,
-when out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
-As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock...
-"What's your problem?", he asked,
-"Never mind, friend, I know.
-I checked out your network five hours ago.
-I did some proactive analysis, so
-I knew that this time bomb was going to blow."
-Who was this guy? Who did he think that he was?
-He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
-His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
-His smile cut down personal distance between us.
-He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
-"Whoever configured this network's a jerk.",
-he said with a :-)> as he quickly rebooted,
-uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
-the LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
-with bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
-that went via wireless, I think, LEO,
-to tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
-"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!",
-He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
-"Cheer up, my good friend!
-Lose that mindset so tragic!
-Technology often looks just like some magic
-To people who don't understand what we do.
-Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
-Look at the protocols, check one or two,
-Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
-My data was back! Every system checked out!
-Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
-"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"
-He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
-If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
-And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING."
-And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
-"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"
- -by Timothy Haight
-
-
-
Index: p5.delay
===================================================================
RCS file: p5.delay
diff -N p5.delay
--- p5.delay 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,57 +0,0 @@
-From mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!looking!funny-request Tue Jul
28 14:11:47 EDT 1992
-Article: 771 of rec.humor.funny
-Path: mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!looking!funny-request
-From: address@hidden (Paul Israel)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: Top Ten Reasons for P5 delays
-Keywords: topical, original, computer, chuckle
-Message-ID: <address@hidden>
-Date: 28 Jul 92 07:20:09 GMT
-Lines: 43
-Approved: address@hidden
-
-
- This is an original from me. Honest.
-
-
- Top Ten Reasons Why Intel Delayed Announcing the P5
-
- 10. Ad managers wanted time to think up a better name
- for "MESI" cache coherency.
-
- 9. Hoped to outfox AMD this time by waiting for them to
- release their 'P5' first.
-
- 8. Still trying to figure out how to mount a 3 foot high
- cooling tower on a 2" square package.
-
- 7. Marketing's prediction that all of IBM's top executives
- would be killed by space aliens, followed by IBM engineering's
- insistence on a return to an Intel strategy, did not appear
- to pan out.
-
- 6. Sales force needs to be retrained to sell a processor
- that doesn't end in "86".
-
- 5. Can never seem to squeeze in enough byte enables.
-
- 4. Military insisted at the last minute on 8080 compatability
- mode.
-
- 3. New "Break on stupid code" exception not popular with
- programmers.
-
- 2. All those millions of dollars in processor R&D were
- cutting into the CEO's Christmas bonus.
-
- 1. Needed to hire more lawyers first.
-
---
-Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
-
-Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
-joke about XXX?" Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
-a joke server I would spend all day doing it. I reject all such requests.
-
-
Index: paging.game
===================================================================
RCS file: paging.game
diff -N paging.game
--- paging.game 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,112 +0,0 @@
-<HTML>
-<TITLE>The Paging Game [rec.humor.funny]</TITLE>
-<H1 align=center>The Paging Game</H1>
-<CENTER><ADDRESS>address@hidden (Paul Sander)<BR>
-</ADDRESS><FONT size=-1>(computer, chuckle)<BR>
-<cite>From the <a href=http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/>rec.humor.funny</a> joke
archives.<p></cite>
-</FONT></CENTER><P>
-<P><XMP>
-[I got this from my uncle, who works at one of IBM's Silicon Valley labs. I
-don't where he got it.]
-
- THE PAGING GAME
- Jeff Berryman, University of British Columbia
-
- 1. Each player gets several million "things."
-
- 2. Things are kept in "crates" that hold 512 things each. Things in the
- same crate are called "crate-mates."
-
- 3. Crates are stored either in the "workshop" or a "warehouse." The
- workshop is almost always too small to hold all the crates.
-
- 4. There is only one workshop but there may be several warehouses.
- Everybody shares them.
-
- 5. Each thing has its own "thing number."
-
- 6. What you do with a ting is to "zark" it. Everybody takes turns zarking.
-
- 7. You can only zark your things, not anybody else's.
-
- 8. Things can only be zarked when they are in the workshop.
-
- 9. Only the "Thing King" knows whether a thing is in the workshop or in a
- warehouse.
-
-10. The longer a thing goes without being zarked, the "grubbier" it is said
- to become.
-
-11. The way you get things is to ask the Thing King. He only gives out
- things in multiples of eight. This is to keep the royal overhead down.
-
-12. The way you zark a thing is to give its thing number. If you give the
- number of a thing that happens to be in the workshop it gets zarked
- right away. If it is in a warehouse, the Thing King packs the crate
- containing your thing back into the workshop. If there is no room in
- the workshop, he first finds the grubbiest crate in the workshop,
- whether it be yours or somebody else's, and packs it off with all its
- crate-mates to a warehouse. In its place he puts the crate containing
- your thing. Your thing then gets zarked and you never knew that it
- wasn't in the workshop all along.
-
-13. Each player's stock of things have the same numbers as everybody else's.
- The Thing King always knows who owns what thing and whose turn it is, so
- you can't ever accidentally zark somebody else's thing even if it has
- the same thing number as one of yours.
-
-
- Notes
-
-1. Traditionally, the Thing King sits at a large, segmented table and is
- attended to by pages (the so-called "table pages") whose job it is to
- help the king remember where all the things are and who they belong to.
-
-2. One consequence of Rule 13 is that everybody's thing numbers will be
- similar from game to game, regardless of the number of players.
-
-3. The Thing King has a few things of his own, some of which move back and
- forth between workshop and warehouse just like anybody else's, but some
- of which are just too heavy to move out of the workshop.
-
-4. With the given set of rules, oft-zarked things tend to get kept mostly
- in the workshop while little-used things stay mostly in a warehouse.
- This is efficient stock control.
-
-5. Sometimes even warehouses get full. The Thing King then has to start
- piling things on the dump out back. This makes the game slower because
- it takes a long time to get things off the dump when they are needed in
- the workshop. A forthcoming change in the rules will allow the Thing
- King to select the grubbiest things in the warehouses and send them to
- the dump in his spare time, thus keeping the warehouses from getting too
- full. This means that the most infrequently-zarked things will end up
- so the Thing King won't have to get things from the dump so often. This
- should speed up the game when there are a lot of players and the
- warehouses are getting full.
-
- LONG LIVE THE THING KING
-
-
-[The following appear to have been added later, as they were typed in a
-different font.]
-
-Notes:
-
-1. The VM Thing King is considerably stronger than the Thing King of the
- system described above. He uses crates containing 4096 things.
-
-2. Recently the Thing King has tired of carrying crates back and forth
- between the warehouse and the workshop one at a time and has purchased
- a forklift. When it is someone else's turn to zark their things, the
- Thing King stacks the grubbiest of your crates on his forklift and
- hauls them to the warehouse. The warehouse is too small for the forklift
- to do much maneuvering, so once a stack of crates has been taken to the
- warehouse it can't be unstacked without bringing it into workshop. This
- means if you want to zark a thing which is stacked in the warehouse the
- whole stack of crates must be brought into the workshop. While this
- might appear to generate a lot of unnecessary crate traffic, it is more
- than offset by the reduction in the number of trips necessary.
-
-{ed From _Multing_ Magazine}
-</XMP><HR><CENTER><P> <CITE><a href=/rhf/best.html>Browse the Best of RHF</a>,
courtesy of the <img align=center src=/Gifs/narrow.gif><a
href=http://www.clari.net>ClariNet</a> e.News</CITE> </P></CENTER>
-</XMP>
Index: panama
===================================================================
RCS file: panama
diff -N panama
--- panama 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,11 +0,0 @@
-[ From: address@hidden (Don Levinstone), Elizabeth,
- address@hidden (Peter Cohen) ]
-
-A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, hero's rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe,
-percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a cat, a mane, paper, a
-Toyota, rep, a pen, a mat, a can, a tag, a banana bag again, or: a camel,
-a crepe, pins, spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a
-canal, Panama!
-
-For numerically/verbally challenged folks, the split happens at the y in
-Toyota...
Index: pasta.code
===================================================================
RCS file: pasta.code
diff -N pasta.code
--- pasta.code 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,30 +0,0 @@
- Letter to the Editor
- CROSSTALK, Journal of Defense Software Engineering
-
- The mention of "a feast of spaghetti code" ("Computer Collectives",
CrossTalk,
-April/May 1992) prompted this response:
-
- Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a
-pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible
-to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two
-elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
-
- Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable,
-and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately
-monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually
-simple, is often very difficult in actual practice.
-
- The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and
-loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli
-code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat
-or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced
-without significantly affecting other components.
-
- We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active
-encouragement of ravioli code.
-
- Raymond J. Rubey
- SoftTech, Inc.
- 3100 Presidential Drive
- Fairborn, OH 45324
- Voice: 513-429-8291
Index: phone.features
===================================================================
RCS file: phone.features
diff -N phone.features
--- phone.features 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,79 +0,0 @@
->Date: Wed, 12 Jun 91 16:48:17 EDT
->From: don (Don Levinstone)
->To: bunky dan elf fredm geoff gerry joanne kevin maggie pamela rick stormy wse
->Subject: fyi: leisure-time reading only. Phone Joke
-
-Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the
-ground if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone...
-
- Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
-
- Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you
- would like to leave a message for Watson, press 2. If
- you need further assistance, hold the line for the next
- available representative....
-
-The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply
-placing and receiving calls, has become a different animal in
-recent years. These days, everybody has an answering machine, a
-speakerphone, and a slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call
-waiting, caller ID, and last-number redial are fine, but here are
-some options that can't be far behind.
-
- ON-HOLD DISRUPT: When someone puts you on hold for more than
- 15 seconds, a digitized voice blares over his or her
- speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have all day!" (This
- option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.)
-
- CALL SCHMOOZING: Stuck listening to a long-winded
- acquaintance? Call schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized
- voice that sounds just like you and repeats "Uh-huh...I
- see...right" while the other party babbles on. He or she
- thinks you're hanging on every word, when you're actually
- getting your work done.
-
- CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS: Your phone places calls to important
- contacts, trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing
- information, and ends by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do
- lunch. Don't ever change."
-
- GOSSIP NOTIFICATION: Company rumors are automatically
- broadcast to selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted
- circulating gossip translates into increased productivity.
-
- CALL TERMINATE: Imagine being able to fire troublesome
- employees just by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature
- for executives with poor confrontation skills.
-
- NETWORK EAVESDROP: A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever
- anyone in the company mentions your name during a phone
- conversation, a voice-activated tape-recorder stores the call
- so you can review it later and hear what people are saying
- about you.
-
- SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING: Program the numbers of people
- you really don't want to speak with. When they dial your
- number, your phone transmits a mild electric shock through
- their receivers.
-
- CELLULAR CRANK CALL: On command, your car phone can dial any
- other car phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver
- his muffler looks as though it's about to fall off.
-
- CALL REMINDING: Store the birthdays and anniversaries of
- loved ones in your telephone's memory. On the appropriate
- days, the phone automatically calls them and relays heartfelt
- sentiments in a digitized voice simulating your own.
-
- CALL INTERRUPT: When you need to end a conversation quickly,
- a button on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and
- announce that you have an emergency call on the line from
- Steve Jobs.
-
- SUBLIMINA-CALL: Periodically during a conversation, the phone
- plays subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say
- yes" and "Increase my department's budget."
-
- CHARGE-FORWARDING: A quick push of a button charges any long-
- distance call to the person you're calling or to friends who
- don't look too closely at their phone bills.
Index: physics
===================================================================
RCS file: physics
diff -N physics
--- physics 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,65 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: Physics supply store
-Keywords: science, smirk, original
-Date: 5 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT
-
-
-
- ACME PHYSICS SUPPLY SHOPPE
--------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-Frictionless Surfaces only $4.95 per square meter!
-
-Inextensible Massless Rope only $1.99 per meter!
-
-Point Masses only $1.39 per kilogram!
-
-Massless, Zero-Volume Paint
- --Perfect for labeling those *** SOLD OUT ***
- pesky electrons so you can
- keep them straight!
-
-Frictionless Pulleys only $2.00 ea.
-
-Massless Pulleys only $4.49 ea.
-
-Frictionless, Massless Pulleys regularly $10.00, now only
- $7.49 !
-
-Ideal Springs $.75 and up
-
-Ideal Gas
- -monatomic $5.00 per liter *
- -diatomic $7.50 per liter *
- -triatomic $10.00 per liter *
-
-* plus deposit on container. All gases delivered at STP.
-
-Magnetic Monopoles $1.25 ea.
- --Great Party Jokes!
- Thousands of Possibilities!
- Annoy that theoretician in your family!
-
-Perfect Voltmeter only $99.99
-
-Perfect Ammeter only $159.99
-
-Special Sale:
- Buy Ammeter, get Voltmeter for half price!
-
-700 W Perfect Refrigerator only $899.99
-
-Zero-Resistance Wire
- --Various guages available, inquire as to price and/or availability
-
-
-
-An original idea by B. Bacher, with a bit of help from a few friends...
-
---
-Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-
-If you mail to address@hidden, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
-as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
-attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
Index: power.users
===================================================================
RCS file: power.users
diff -N power.users
--- power.users 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,175 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Richard Murnane)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: Power Users
-Keywords: original, funny, computer
-Date: 29 Sep 91 10:30:04 GMT
-
-Hi Brad,
-
-Here's an original submission for rec.humor.funny, based on my
-perceptions of so-called "power users". I haven't used the phrase
-"_Real_ Power Users" in the text, because, in my opinion, the only
-Real Power Users are Real Programmers (tm) :-) Enjoy.
-
--Richard
-
-
- THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
-
-Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
-petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
-contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
-receipt, to claim against tax.
-
-Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
-in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
-Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
-manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
-and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
-had...
-
-Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
-for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
-first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
-they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
-a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
-word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
-
-Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
-100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
-
- - to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
- of their mortgage repayments;
-
- - to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
- unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
- they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
- hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
- different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
- revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
- in the most politically acceptable manner), and
-
- - to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
- realised are infected with a virus.
-
-Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
-personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
-Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
-to your room!"
-
-Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
-the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
-playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
-money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
-budget for the next three years.
-
-Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
-and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
-Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
-again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
-will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
-Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
-originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
-yuck!)
-
-Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
-turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
-I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
-
-Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
-nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
-left the printer off-line.
-
-Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
-why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
-quarter report is due tomorrow.
-
-In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
-Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
-Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
-Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
-accounting software for Power Users.)
-
-Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
-out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
-
-Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
-set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
-in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
-User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
-on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
-how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
-long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
-ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
-how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
-of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
-about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
-
-Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
-in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
-on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
-
-Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
-banner.
-
-The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
-cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
-this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
-
-Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
-
-Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
-their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
-their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
-
-When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
-and race it around the desk.
-
-Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
-saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
-
-Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
-so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
-They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
-conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
-earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
-Support to have the problem rectified.
-
-Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
-come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
-a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
-switching between programs.
-
-Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
-applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
-
-Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
-built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
-
-Power Users believe computer salesmen.
-
-Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
-about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
-the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
-
-Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
-pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
-tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
-induce labour when she's late.
-
-Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
-it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
-September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
-Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
-
-Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
-packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
-their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
-
-
---
-Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
-
-Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
-time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Index: purchase.agreement
===================================================================
RCS file: purchase.agreement
diff -N purchase.agreement
--- purchase.agreement 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,57 +0,0 @@
-Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
-
-
- AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
-
-This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor
-workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged,
-return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion.
-No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied
-including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of
-Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency.
-Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is
-assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have
-assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written
-communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come
-whimpering back to me if it bounces.
-
-The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my
-property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed
-to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor
-are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither
-may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may
-have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm
-going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
-
-This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the
-equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of
-your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The
-location of your version of this or any other covenant between us
-is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains,
-and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even
-though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours
-said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede
-yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
-
-You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to
-me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however,
-you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly
-accept these terms by:
-
-1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
-
-2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
-
-3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
-
-4) Using any toilet or rest room.
-
-Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy.
-Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks
-back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal
-expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for
-any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be
-punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or
-all three.
-
-Thank you and have a nice day!
Index: quayle
===================================================================
RCS file: quayle
diff -N quayle
--- quayle 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,87 +0,0 @@
-Newsgroups: talk.rumors
-From: address@hidden (Charlie Channel)
-Subject: Dan Quayle Attacks the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety
-Organization: Stanford U
-Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 15:48:24 GMT
-
-At the dinner table last night, my son said that Dan Quayle attacked
-Warner Bros., specificially the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny.
-
-''The Road Runner,'' said Quayle, ''consistently and flagarantly flaunts
-disregard for the law. Such a role model send the wrong message to
-minds that are in formation. In fact, the Road Runner continually
-attacks both family values and societal values. Kids run around the
-house where they ought not and grow up into adults that disregard red
-lights, stop signs and paying taxes. And that Hollywood conspiracy,
-for the sake of the almighty dollars, is driving the country into the
-ground. Do you wonder why Rodney King tried to run?''
-
-Quayle also said, ''The important lessons of life are that a person can
-do those things and not get caught. Wiley Coyote, who personifies the
-establishment, the police authorities and servants of the executive
-branch of the government, never catches the Road Runner. He's always
-running off a cliff and walking on air, until he notices he has
-exceeded the capacities of human common sense. It's only after he
-becomes aware of what others are so accutely knowledgeable about that
-he succumbs to the laws of gravity. So, despite his best attempts to
-bring the Road Runner to justice, to do what's right, to make a plan
-work, he fails. That is not the sort of morality Hollywood ought to
-be teaching our kids.''
-
-One reporter in the audience prefaced a question about Bugs Bunny with
-the comment that televised cartoons should have no place in political
-discussions or the six o'clock news. Unfortunately, Dan Quayle did not
-permit him to finish and began a tyrade against Bugs.
-
-''There's nobody more dispicable than Bugs Bunny,'' he yelled. ''The
-common theme of denigrating authority, taking other people's property
-and generally being a culprit in destruction and mayhem is evident.''
-
-''I abhor the violence,'' he continued, ''because Bugs Bunny is actually
-a threat to civil order. In fact, he's outright seditious. Moreover,
-he makes the police look like idiots. What do you think it means when
-Elmer Fudd, who really represents law and order, attempts to level a
-shot gun at the rabbit and the rabbit shoves two carrots down the
-barrel. You know what happens when Elmer pulls the trigger? A good
-Republican is made to look like a fool, that's what!''
-
-John Carman, a reporter for the S.F. Chronicle, commented that
-he didn't know Elmer was a Republican. The whispered comment was
-heard by Quayle, who addressed the issue.
-
-''That's not the point,'' said Quayle. ''The point is family values
-are under attack, as are society values and political values. That's
-not the sort of thing anybody, any law abiding American citizen,
-should be teaching kids . . . I don't care how established, how
-profitable, and how legitimate the business.''
-
-''I was only joking,'' said Carman.
-
-''It's no joke,'' replied Quayle, ''when you look at the pattern of
-things. Yosemite Sam, for example, another good, upstanding, law and
-order kind of guy. Positive role model. But, what do you think
-happens whenever he has a confrontation with the Bugs? The conspiracy
-is evident to even a casual observer.''
-
-''The media has a bias,'' Quayle continued. ''It's a liberal
-establishment favoring the Democrats. There's no doubt about that.''
-
-''Prove it,'' a heckler shounted, ''you've got 4 more months.''
-
-''Clearly,'' Quayle yelled, ''Jerry Brown and the Democrats
-always comes out on top. All you have to do is see how Sylvester fares
-when he attempts to catch Tweety, that little affectedly effete
-yellow bird. Don't think for a minute I don't know who Tweety is.''
-
-Then Quayle, looking at the audience said, "You owe me, Bugs. You owe
-me!"
-
-I asked my 18 year old son what he made of all that.
-
-''I think Mr. Quayle still watches too much TV.''
-
-Next Saturday morning, TV news crews will be in homes and bars around
-the country filming and taping millions of Americans sitting down,
-staring at their TV's, looking like they're looking at a god,
-transfixed, waiting to see how the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety will
-respond. Stay tooned!
Index: quotations
===================================================================
RCS file: quotations
diff -N quotations
--- quotations 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,143 +0,0 @@
-BABYL OPTIONS:
-Version: 5
-Labels:
-Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
-Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
-Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
-
-1,,
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Received: from altdorf.ai.mit.edu (CHAMARTIN.AI.MIT.EDU) by life.ai.mit.edu
(4.1/AI-4.10) id AA02183; Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:46:42 EST
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-Received: by altdorf.ai.mit.edu
- (15.11/15.6) id AA22717; Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
-Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
-From: "Guillermo J. Rozas" <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: address@hidden: [BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957:
priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI]]
-Reply-To: address@hidden
-
-*** EOOH ***
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 13:45:50 est
-From: "Guillermo J. Rozas" <address@hidden>
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: address@hidden: [BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957:
priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI]]
-Reply-To: address@hidden
-
-Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 10:29:54 EST
-From: address@hidden
-
-
-------- Forwarded Message
-
-Return-Path: address@hidden
-Received: by crltrx.crl.dec.com; id AA18684; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:57:26 -0500
-Received: by easynet.crl.dec.com; id AA09825; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:27 -0500
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-Received: from xanadu.enet; by crl.enet; Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:28 EST
-Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 09:56:28 EST
-From: BOSE A/D -- DTN 381-0898 25-Jan-1991 0957 <address@hidden>
-To: mail11:;@easynet.crl.dec.com (@[bock.work]ad-ers)
-Subject: priceless vogon-balls (in case you haven't seen this) FYI
-
- "Britain is not an island...well, yes it is, but..."
-
- - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
- - from Mark Saxby (Reading, England)
-
- "The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
- to be surprised."
-
- - US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
- - from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)
-
- "President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
- minutes precisely."
-
- - Peter Jennings, ABC News
- - from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)
-
- "Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
- around, unlike fixed launchers."
-
- - Katie Coucik, NBC News
- - from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
-
- "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
- a moment."
-
- - Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- - from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
-
- "We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
- object sticking out of his chest".
-
- - Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
- cited in National Lampoon calendar
- - from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
-
- "The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
- at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."
-
- - Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- - from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
-
- "Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
- their 18th birthday."
-
- - Sign in a US Post Office
- - from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
-
- "This door must not be opened under any circumstances."
-
- - Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
- - from C. N. Kumar (Karnaraka, India)
-
- "We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
-
- - Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
- - from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
-
- "Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time."
-
- - Ellen Kushner on "Caravan", WGBH radio,
- Boston
- - from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)
-
- "It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified
- performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
- system."
-
- - Request for Quotation from unidentified
- prospective client
- - from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
-
- "President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush."
-
- _ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
- - from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)
-
- "Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
- none had heard of RISC"
-
- - Digital Marketing Study
- - from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
-
- "Sir James Spicer...has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
- Valley First School near Dorchester."
-
- - VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
- - from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
-
- "Tensions in Latvia...are tense..."
-
- - WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
- - from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)
-
-
-------- End of Forwarded Message
-
-
-
-
\ No newline at end of file
Index: rectium
===================================================================
RCS file: rectium
diff -N rectium
--- rectium 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,50 +0,0 @@
-INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR FOR TRULY PERSONAL COMPUTING
-1 April 1993
-
-Intel Corp. today announced a new line of low-power high performance
-microprocessors for a entirely new concept in "personal" computing. The
-new processors, codenamed "Rectium", are designed to actually fit the
-appropriate body cavity for "Computing Anywhere, Anytime", according to
-Fred Burfl, Vice President for New Product Locations at Intel. "We
-figured that with our 'Intel Inside' advertising campaign, which has
-high consumer awareness, we couldn't lose!".
-
-Within six months, a high-performance co-processor will also be made
-available. Implemented in Gallium Arsenide technology, the co-processor
-is tentatively code-named "Rectium GaAs". A new high-speed communications
-bus based on a proprietary "Fast Aerodynamic Regional Transport" protocol
-will take performance to new heights.
-
-Intel officials suggest that the chips will be ideally suited for
-back-end processing applications.
-
-
-Reaction on Wall Street was mixed. PepsiCo (owner of the Taco Bell
-restaurant chain) gained an eighth, to close at 82 7/8, after announcing
-a strong commitment to the new GaAs technology. Ralston-Purina (maker
-of Bean-o) fell an eighth, to 50 5/8.
-INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR FOR TRULY PERSONAL COMPUTING
-1 April 1993
-
-Intel Corp. today announced a new line of low-power high performance
-microprocessors for a entirely new concept in "personal" computing. The
-new processors, codenamed "Rectium", are designed to actually fit the
-appropriate body cavity for "Computing Anywhere, Anytime", according to
-Fred Burfl, Vice President for New Product Locations at Intel. "We
-figured that with our 'Intel Inside' advertising campaign, which has
-high consumer awareness, we couldn't lose!".
-
-Within six months, a high-performance co-processor will also be made
-available. Implemented in Gallium Arsenide technology, the co-processor
-is tentatively code-named "Rectium GaAs". A new high-speed communications
-bus based on a proprietary "Fast Aerodynamic Regional Transport" protocol
-will take performance to new heights.
-
-Intel officials suggest that the chips will be ideally suited for
-back-end processing applications.
-
-
-Reaction on Wall Street was mixed. PepsiCo (owner of the Taco Bell
-restaurant chain) gained an eighth, to close at 82 7/8, after announcing
-a strong commitment to the new GaAs technology. Ralston-Purina (maker
-of Bean-o) fell an eighth, to 50 5/8.
Index: religions
===================================================================
RCS file: religions
diff -N religions
--- religions 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,157 +0,0 @@
-
- A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
-
-
-TAOISM Shit happens.
-
-CONFUCIANISM Confucius say, "shit happens".
-
-CALVINISM Shit happens because you don't work
- hard enough.
-
-BUDDHISM If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
-
-SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST No shit on Saturdays.
-
-ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?
-
-HEDONISM There's nothing like a good shit happening.
-
-HINDUISM This shit happened before.
-
-MORMON This shit is going to happen again.
-
-ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
-
-MOONIES Only happy shit really happens.
-
-STOICISM This shit is good for me.
-
-PROTESTANISM Let the shit happen to someone else.
-
-CATHOLICISM Shit happens because you are BAD.
-
-HARE KRISHNA Shit happens rama rama.
-
-JUDAISM Why does this shit always happen to us?
-
-ZOROASTRIANISM Shit happens half the time.
-
-CHRISTIAN SCIENCE Shit is in your mind.
-
-ATHEISM Sheeit.
-
-EXISTENTIALISM What is shit anyway?
-
-RASTAFARIANISM Let's smoke this shit.
-
-
-A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
-VOLUME II
-
-
-TAOISM: If you can shit, it isn't shit.
-
-HINDUISM: This shit isn't a religion, it's the way of life.
-
-CHARISMATIC Shit is happening because you deserve it, but
-CATHOLICISM: we love you anyway.
-
-REFORM JUDAISM: Got any laxatives?
-
-NEWAGE: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
- A firm shit does not happen to me.
- This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
- I create my own shit.
-
-EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
-
-WICCA: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
-
-JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon.
-
-SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
-
-CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
-
-ATHEISM: It look and smells like shit, so I'll be damned if
- if I'm going to taste it.
-
-
-RELIGION FROM AN I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it,
-ATHEIST'S POINT OF VIEW but I know it's shit.
-
-
-RASTAFARIAN: Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
-
-MORMON: Hey, there's more shit over here!
-
-UNITARIANISM: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
-
-IRAQI BAATHIST: Oh shit!
-
-VOODOO: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped
- it on you.
-
-TELEVANGELISM: Your tax-deductible donation could make this
- shit stop happening.
-
-AGNOSTICISM: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't
- tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit
- or not.
-
-
-.PA
-In other various ways....
-
-
-YUPPIE SHIT: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
-
-AN EMPLOYER: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
-
-HEISENBERGISM: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
-
-NIXONISM: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know
- anything about it.
-
-COMMUNISM: It's everybody's shit.
-
-CAPITALISM: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
-
-
-
-A FUNNY AND INTERESTING STORY OF WHERE
-PEOPLE LOOK FOR ANSWERS, EVERYWHERE EXCEPT
-WHERE THE ANSWERS REALLY ARE...
-
-New-Age-Astral-Vibration Rap
-by Steve Webber
-
-I was having an out-of-body experience so I grounded myself and got
-centered with the help of my spirit guide, then I almost astral
-traveled but the phone rang and I sensed the negative vibrations so I
-checked my numerology chart and almost had a primal but my energy was
-blocked so I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting and had some
-flower essences with oat bran ginseng muffins but my inner child wasn't
-being nurtured so I had some frozen yogurt that made me hyper so I did
-the relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tape but I was
-feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, a
-past life regression, rebirthed myself and made an appointment for a
-shiatsu, reiki, rolfing, Feldenkrais, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue
-massage but I needed to energize my crystals and do some positive
-imagery because my visualization techniques and affirmations made my
-space feel invaded so to get empowered I got a psychic reading around
-the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have
-energy for my psychocalisthenics and my inversion swing before my
-harmonic brain wave synergy session which makes me more focused for my
-actualization seminar and holistic healing class and dream workshop so
-I'm clear for my Gestalt/behavioral/cognitive/transpersonal/Reichian/
-Jungian/Freudian/Ericksonian session but my aura is weak for my
-channeling group so I'll fast till noon to recharge my chakras and I
-sense my intuition is high and my cycle is focused so I'll turn on my
-ion generator to open up for my neuro-linguistic programming but I
-need to have my pyramid balanced before my guided synchronicity
-meditation so my cranio sacral therapy aligns me for the fire-walk
-after my tarot reading but I need a meaningful relationship to mirror
-myself so I'll go to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo
-Symposium Seminar Workshop to find someone who is real.
Index: science.facts
===================================================================
RCS file: science.facts
diff -N science.facts
--- science.facts 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,123 +0,0 @@
-The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
-exams, and class room discussions; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders.
-They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
-information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
-
-Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
-energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
-
-You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
-getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
-
-Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
-
-The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
-
-When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
-But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
-
-Clouds are high flying fogs.
-
-When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
-planets do it we say they are orbiting.
-
-Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
-
-While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is
-really only centrificating.
-
-Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
-
-South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
-
-Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
-into a sun in the daytime.
-
-Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
-between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
-south.
-
-A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
-
-There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
-Finding them all means living forever.
-
-There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of
-so much population stomping around up there these days.
-
-Lime is a green-tasting rock.
-
-Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
-oil.
-
-Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
-
-Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
-there.
-
-Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
-sometimes it's brother against brother.
-
-Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
-been able to make out the numbers.
-
-We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
-blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
-
-To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions
-are things that are still all mixed up.
-
-In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
-many H's as O's.
-
-I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that
-is the important thing.
-
-Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around. And around. There is not
-much else to do.
-
-Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a
-drop, it does.
-
-When there is fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
-
-Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
-
-We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
-
-In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
-
-When rain water strikes forest fires, it heckstingwishes them. Luckily it
-affects we of the humans unlike that.
-
-Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
-
-Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
-
-In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
-
-Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the
-strongest man.
-
-A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
-
-A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
-
-A monsoon is a French gentleman.
-
-A thunderstorm is like a shower, only moreso.
-
-Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
-
-Isotherms and isobars are even more important that their names sound.
-
-It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live
-other places.
-
-The wind is like the air, only pushier.
-
-Question: In what ways are we dependant on the sun? Answer: We can always
-depend on the sun for sunburn and tidal waves.
-
-Until it is decided whether tornadoes are typhoons or hurricanes, we must
-continue to call them tornadoes.
Index: shit-happens
===================================================================
RCS file: shit-happens
diff -N shit-happens
--- shit-happens 29 Jan 2005 20:52:57 -0000 1.2
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,101 +0,0 @@
- SHIT HAPPENS
- in various world religions
-
-
-TAOISM: Shit happens.
-
-CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
-
-ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
-
-JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
-
-ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
-
-CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
-
-PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
-
-SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
-
-ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
-
-UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
-
-RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
-
-JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
-
-REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
-
-MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
-
-AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
-
-ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!
-
-NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
-
-AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
-
-QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.
-
-FORTEANISM: No shit??
-
-12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
-
-VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
-
-NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
-
-DEISM: Shit just happens.
-
-EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
-
-SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
-
-CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
-
-BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
-
-SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
-
-HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
-
-WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
-
-HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
-
-THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
-
-DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
-
-SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
-
-JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
-
-MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
-
-HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
-
-BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.
-
-STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
-
-OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
-
-EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
-
-REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.
-
-FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
-
-CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
-
-EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
-
-DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
-
-RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
-
-MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
Index: smileys
===================================================================
RCS file: smileys
diff -N smileys
--- smileys 16 Aug 2003 03:41:33 -0000 1.2
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,94 +0,0 @@
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden
-Cc: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: :-)
-Date: Wed, 03 Jul 91 17:42:17 PDT
-From: Jeff Johnson <address@hidden>
-
-
-Those of you in the SF Bay Area may have noticed that Herb Caen has
-discovered the little smileys that computer-people use in e-mail, and
-has been both using them in his column and collecting interesting ones.
- Some ones I hadn't seen before (mixed with a few I made up):
-
-:-D very happy
-
-:-{ very sad
-
-:-I vexed
-
-8-0 incredulous
-
-B-) Gary Larson glasses
-
-S:-} Dudley Do-right
-
-[:-) M.C. Hammer
-
-7:-) Reagan
-
-/:= Hitler
-
-%:*D Bozo
-
-O:-) Jesus
-
-}:-) The Devil
-
-And, if you turn them over:
-
-(-:P Beaver Cleaver
-
-(-:]P Spike Lee
-
-(-:? Elvis
-
-(-:C Viking
-
-(-:K My Favorite Martian
-
-(-:E King Hussein
-
-(-:B Felix the Cat
-
-Enough!
-JJ
-
-And here's some more from Benjamin Vander Jagt, using extended
-ascii:
-
-:-Þ (raspberry 1)
-
-:-þ (raspberry 2)
-
-ò_ó (angry)
-
-ó_ò (concerned)
-
-ô_ô (somewhat surprised)
-
-õ_õ (intrigued)
-
-^_^ (of course, there's this cute "happy")
-
-ñ_ñ (but then there's this much cuter "happy")
-
-ß-) (on some character sets, this looks like a face wearing
-goggles)
-
-ø_ø (Stoner McNullset)
-
-ù_ú (Upset but holding it in)
-
-ú_ù (Meditating, kissing, or various others)
-
-ç_ç (Old person)
-
-¦-õ (Yawn with eyes closed, holding a hand in front of his
-mouth; thanks Pchan)
Index: software.terms
===================================================================
RCS file: software.terms
diff -N software.terms
--- software.terms 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,124 +0,0 @@
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-From: address@hidden (Mike Rowan)
-Date: Thu, 6 Sep 90 07:48:13 EDT
-To: fsf-hq
-Subject: Software Terms
-
-
-Define your terms for software releases:
-
-Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
- packing materials.
-
-Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
- on any computer monitor.
-
-American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
-
-Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
-
-Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
-
-Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
-
-Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
-
-Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth
- of the dBase III Plus Manual.
-
-Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
-
-AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into
- performing properly.
-
-Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make;
- used only in the abstract.
-
-Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
- wish it had built.
-
-Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
- doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".)
-
-Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
- stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
-
-Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every
- conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they
- conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
-
-EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced
- by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
-
-Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation
- of computer manuals.
-
-FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception
- until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
-
-Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with
- simple mnemonic commands.
-
-Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
- functions that the user never needs and awkwardly
- performs the half-dozen he uses constantly.
-
-Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
-
-Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
- of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
-
-Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
- corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
- information.
-
-Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
-
-Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned
- a registration card.
-
-Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
-
-Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device.
-
-Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
- variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
- assumptions.
-
-Thought Processor: An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure
- that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation
- from high school.
-
-Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
-
-User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual.
-
-Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need
- not bother with the full color manual.
-
-Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
-
-Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation
- by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
-
-Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for
- a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away;
- no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
-
-Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
-
-Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of
- paying to read the weather on their television screens instead
- of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they
- brush their teeth.
-
-Warranty: Disclaimer.
-
-Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does
- not offer game programs.
-
-(The previous list of terms was furnished by copied from the
-Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 issue. The
-original data was provided by the WIC Connection.)
-
-
Index: spilling-checker
===================================================================
RCS file: spilling-checker
diff -N spilling-checker
--- spilling-checker 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,37 +0,0 @@
-From address@hidden Fri May 11 01:11:51 1990
-From: address@hidden (Dave Elliott)
-Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
-Subject: Who wrote this jape?
-Date: 11 May 90 04:32:03 GMT
-Reply-To: address@hidden (Dave Elliott)
-Distribution: alt.folklore.computers
-Organization: Washington University, St. Louis, MO
-
-The following is given without source in IEEE Transactions on Aerospace and
-Electronic Systems, Vol. 26, No. 2, March 1990-- p. 209. Who is the author?
-
- "Catching Misspilled Words with Spilling Checker
-
-"As an extra addled service, I am going to put this column in the Spilling
-Checker, where I tryst it will sale through with flying colons. In this modern
-ear, itis simply inexplicable to ask readers to expose themselves to misspelled
-swords when they have bitter things to do.
- "And with all the other timesaving features on my new work processor, it
-is in realty very easy to pit together a colon like this one and get it tight.
-For instants, if there is a work that is wrong, I just put the curse on it,
-press Delete and its Well sometimes it deletes to the end of the lion or
-worst yet the whole rage. Four bigger problems, there is the Cat and Paste
-option. If there is some test that is somewhere were you wish it where
-somewhere else you jest put the curse at both ends and wash it disappear.
-Where you want it to reappear simply bring four quarts of water to a rotting
-boil and throw in 112 pounds of dazed chicken. Sometimes it brings in the Cat
-that was Pasted yesterday.
- "But usually it comes out as you planned, or better. And if it doesn't,
-there are lots of other easy to lose options... "
-----------
---
- David L. Elliott
- Dept. of SSM, Washington University
- St. Louis, MO 63130. (314)-889-6092
- FAX (314)-726-4434 address@hidden
-
Index: unix-hoax
===================================================================
RCS file: unix-hoax
diff -N unix-hoax
--- unix-hoax 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,71 +0,0 @@
- T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e
-
-VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH: [Mike Taylor, VNS
Correspondent]
-===================== [Littleton, MA, USA
]
-
-COMPUTERWORLD 1 April
-
- CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX
-
- In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
- Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
- system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
- Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent
- UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:
-
- "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
- Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early
- release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in
- Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
- power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
- hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
- Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
- environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
- environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
- complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
- levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
- risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
- version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually
- trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
- cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped
- when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:
-
- for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);
-
- To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
- allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually
- thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
- progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
- other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has
- taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
- marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
- but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
- general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
- been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
- few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
- bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
-
- Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
- Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
- Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
- including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
- had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
- their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM
- spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
- hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
- merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic
- statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
- Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.
- T. Barnum was correct.
-
- In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
- that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
- concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM
- spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
- an internal prank gone awry.
- {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April}
- {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes}
-
-<><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2336 Tuesday 4-Jun-1991
<><><><><><><><>
-
-
Index: unix.errors
===================================================================
RCS file: unix.errors
diff -N unix.errors
--- unix.errors 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,62 +0,0 @@
->> From: address@hidden (Tom Thomassen)
-
-=================================cut here===================================
-(% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell)
-
-% "How poorly would you rate the UNIX (so-called) user interface?
-Unmatched ".
-
-% rm congressional-ethics
-rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent
-
-% ar m God
-ar: God does not exist
-
-% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
-Missing ].
-
-% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
-Modifier failed.
-
-% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
-Too many ('s.
-
-%make love
-Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
-
-% sleep with me
-bad character
-
-% got a light?
-No match.
-
-% man: why did you get a divorce?
-man:: Too many arguments.
-
-% ^What is saccharine?
-Bad substitute.
-
-% \(-
-(-: Command not found.
-
-% sh
-
-$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
-no sense in pretending
-
-$ drink <bottle; opener
-bottle: cannot open
-opener: not found
-
-$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
-matter: cannot create
-
-
-Or, in a System V (att) univers:
-
-$ cat "can of food"
-cat: cannot open can of food
-
-
-
-
Index: unreliable.net
===================================================================
RCS file: unreliable.net
diff -N unreliable.net
--- unreliable.net 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,12 +0,0 @@
-Top 10 less reliable networks than NSFnet's T3:
-10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
-9-1 co,ming
-9. The Arthritic's Morse Code net.
-8. AT&T's net during a transparent software upgrade.
-7. Bouncing signals off satellite, orbiting asteroid near Alpha Centauri.
-6. "Great Valleys Of The World"'s semaphore net.
-5. Chain-packet net (every time you get a packet, send off two more).
-4. Using carrier mackerel across the Sahara.
-3. Single Side Band transmitted from ground zero of a thermonuclear explosion.
-2. 100 monkeys sending at random (by chance, they'll eventually send the
information you want sent).
-1. L.A.'s smog signal net.
Index: vaxorcist
===================================================================
RCS file: vaxorcist
diff -N vaxorcist
--- vaxorcist 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,422 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Make a little birdhouse in your soul)
-Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
-Subject: "The VAXorcist" - the ultimate VAX horror story
-Keywords: computer, chuckle, long
-Date: 4 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT
-
-
-Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?
-Well, you had it easy......
-
- THE VAXORCIST
- -------------
-
- A rough draft of a video presentation
- by Christopher Russell
- Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering
- University of Maryland
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is
-sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a
-small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
-the console where he continues typing.)
-
-(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
-revealing USER.)
-
-USER: Any idea when the system will be up?
-
-SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
-some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming
-everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow
-morning.
-
-USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)
-
-(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
-
-ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System
-Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
-installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
-Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
-the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
-
-(ominous music - fade out)
-
-(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
-his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking
-back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
-closing the door behind him.)
-
-(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on
-the console terminal:)
-
-VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
-
-DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
-
-DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
-
-DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
-
-TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
-
-TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL
-
-TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
-
-TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
-
-TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
-
-(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,
-and suddenly stops.)
-
-(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the
-floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
-A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre
-things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
-degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
-begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
-like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
-keep them up. FADE OUT)
-
-(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door
-and is met by USER.)
-
-USER: System going to be up soon?
-
-SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the
-door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
-should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
-is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye
-level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE
-UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
-DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....
-
-(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting
-in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a
-poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can
-see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is
-wearing a headset.)
-
-TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?
-
-SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
-
-TSR: And your name?
-
-SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.
-
-(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his
-head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is
-perusing while he talks on the phone.)
-
-TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?
-
-SYSMGR: VMS version 5.
-
-TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
-product?
-
-(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and
-he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies
-through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and
-looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a
-disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
-
-SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.
-
-(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
-
-TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?
-
-(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
-
-TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
-printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
-air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
-the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing
-at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
-can I have them get back to you?
-
-(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.
-DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
-
-(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
-
-MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!
-
-DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
-billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.
-
-MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?
-
-DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It
-seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI
-routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He
-removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.
-
-MANAGER: And what's that?
-
-DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".
-Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't
-used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and
-the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
-
-MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?
-
-DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.
-
-MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of
-before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do
-if they heard about this?
-
-DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
-
-MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
-(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
-
-DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?
-
-(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:
-
- SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474
-
-he flips to the next card:
-
- BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937
-
-he flips to the next card:
-
- REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365
-
-he flips to the next card
-
- OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
-
-he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
-
- SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666
-
-
-(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
-an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
-pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is
-a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens
-it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the
-VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
-
-VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
-problems.
-
-(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the
-walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his
-coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC
-badge.)
-
-SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
-problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
-loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
-
-VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with
-situations like this before.
-
-SYSMGR: You have?
-
-VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
-renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
-directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
-entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There
-was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
-was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.
-These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
-you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
-clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after
-you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?
-
-SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.
-
-VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
-Version 5?
-
-SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?
-
-VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
-
-SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on
-his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
-
-VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your
-documentation upgrade.
-
-SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the
-papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
-
-VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
-Documentation Set!
-
-SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
-there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns
-and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small
-red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK
-GLASS").
-
-VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go
-take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
-
-(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign
-that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
-behind him.)
-
-VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
-
-SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.
-
-VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense
-of security.
-
-SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
-
-VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you
-may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings
-hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
-By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
-
-(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which
-sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
-
-SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?
-
-VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.
-
-(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
-
-VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think
-we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.
-
-SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?
-
-VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the
-VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
-it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be
-installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU
-will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
-
-SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
-last digit?
-
-VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
-
-(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door.
-As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
-
-VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
-
-SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're
-nuts!
-
-VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
-
-SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better
-take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking
-gun from the inside of his jacket)
-
-VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
-powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,
-and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO
-VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
-
-(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters
-the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room
-showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
-
-VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show
-thyself.
-
-VAX: Bugger off.
-
-VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?
-
-VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over
-you!
-
-VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with
-the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
-
-(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a
-fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak
-open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be
-the creature's eyes)
-
-VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on
-your private parts.
-
-VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in
-gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)
-
-VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX
-systems in Hell!
-
-(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
-
-VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
-apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
-
-(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
-
-VAX: Mount me! Mount me!
-
-VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
-banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams
-and the scream fades to silence.)
-
-(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The
-VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
-
-SYSMGR: So it's over?
-
-VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
-
-SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I
-don't know what we would have done without you.
-
-VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution
-Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out
-that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he
-hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
-Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).
-
-(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)
-
-SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get
-rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!
-(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving
-only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom
-in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red
-glow)
-
-(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (address@hidden). Please
-feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as
-this notice is left intact.
-
-Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,
-creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.
-
-I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not
-particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of
-this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine.
-
-Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and
-elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the
-script and the video.
-
---
-Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to address@hidden
-
-Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
-Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
Index: vi.song
===================================================================
RCS file: vi.song
diff -N vi.song
--- vi.song 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,107 +0,0 @@
-BABYL OPTIONS:
-Version: 5
-Labels:
-Note: This is the header of an rmail file.
-Note: If you are seeing it in rmail,
-Note: it means the file has no messages in it.
-
-1,,
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Received: from hub.ucsb.edu by life.ai.mit.edu (4.0/AI-4.10) id AA04322; Tue,
31 Oct 89 19:34:43 EST
-Received: from vision (vision.ucsb.edu)
- by hub.ucsb.edu (4.1/UCSB-v2)
- id AA03714; Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:56 PST
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-Received: from by vision (4.0) id AA10553; Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
-From: Brian Fox <address@hidden>
-Posted-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: address@hidden: Addicted to VI]
-Reply-To: address@hidden
-
-*** EOOH ***
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
-From: Brian Fox <address@hidden>
-Posted-Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 16:34:46 PST
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden
-Subject: address@hidden: Addicted to VI]
-Reply-To: address@hidden
-
-Posted-Date: Sat, 3 Jun 89 12:47:07 -0700
-Date: Sat, 3 Jun 89 12:47:07 -0700
-From: address@hidden (Tom Weinstein)
-To: address@hidden, address@hidden, address@hidden,
- address@hidden
-
-From: address@hidden (Mike Maughmer (address@hidden))
-Newsgroups: slo.punks
-Subject: Addicted to VI
-Date: 1 Jun 89 15:01:45 GMT
-Reply-To: address@hidden (Mike Maughmer (Pug))
-Distribution: slo
-Organization: Cal Poly State University -- San Luis Obispo
-
-Dinki ought to get a kick out of this . . .
-
-- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
-As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of
-whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.
-
-Addicted To Vi
-(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
-
-You press the keys with no effect,
-Your mode is not correct.
-The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
-You forgot to press escape.
-Can't insert, can't delete,
-Cursor keys won't repeat.
-You try to quit, but can't leave,
-An extra "bang" is all you need.
-
-You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
-Oh yeah?
-You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
-You know you're gonna have to face it;
-You're addicted to vi!
-
-You edit files one at a time;
-That doesn't seem too out of line?
-You don't think of keys to bind--
-A meta key would blow your mind.
-H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
-Expressions must be a Joy!
-Just press "f", or is it "t"?
-Maybe "n", or just "g"?
-
-Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
-Oh yeah?
-You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
-You know you're gonna have to face it;
-You're addicted to vi!
-
-Might as well face it,
-You're addicted to vi!
-
-You press the keys without effect,
-Your life is now a wreck.
-What a waste! Such a shame!
-And all you have is vi to blame.
-
-Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
-Oh yeah?
-You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
-You know you're gonna have to face it;
-You're addicted to vi!
-
-Might as well face it,
-You're addicted to vi!
-
-Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved
-
-
-
-
\ No newline at end of file
Index: virus-warning
===================================================================
RCS file: virus-warning
diff -N virus-warning
--- virus-warning 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,51 +0,0 @@
-Return-Path: <address@hidden>
-X-Sender: address@hidden
-Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
-Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 11:16:02 -0800
-Reply-To: Indonesian performing arts <address@hidden>
-Sender: Indonesian performing arts <address@hidden>
-From: Todd Greenspan <address@hidden>
-Subject: Here's my favorite "VIRUS WARNING"
-Comments: To: address@hidden
-To: address@hidden
-
-This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING
-
-If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
-immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
-
-It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
-disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrates your
-refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
-It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your
-ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field
-harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
-
-It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
-antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its
-dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will
-hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car
-radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
-
-Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give
-you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
-and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend
-behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
-
-It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is
-the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things
-we hold most dear.
-
-Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up
-and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It
-will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
-and refill your skim milk with whole.
-
-It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
-
-It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
-
-These are just a few signs.
-
-Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
-
Index: welcome-to-gnu-emacs
===================================================================
RCS file: welcome-to-gnu-emacs
diff -N welcome-to-gnu-emacs
--- welcome-to-gnu-emacs 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,92 +0,0 @@
-From address@hidden Tue Jan 28 09:09:13 1992
-Status: RO
-X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil]
- ["1876" "Tue" "28" "Jan" "92" "09:08:01" "est" "Noah Friedman"
"address@hidden " nil "74" "address@hidden: Welcome to GNUEmacs]" "^From:"
"address@hidden" "address@hidden" "1"])
-Received: from nutrimat.gnu.ai.mit.edu by albert.gnu.ai.mit.edu (5.65/4.0)
with SMTP
- id <address@hidden>; Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:09:00 -0500
-Received: by nutrimat.gnu.ai.mit.edu (15.11/4.0)
- id <address@hidden>; Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:08:01 est
-Message-Id: <address@hidden>
-Sender: address@hidden
-From: address@hidden (Noah Friedman)
-To: address@hidden
-Subject: address@hidden: Welcome to GNUEmacs]
-Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 09:08:01 est
-Reply-To: address@hidden
-X-Windows: The problem for your problem.
-
-From: address@hidden (Jamie Mason)
-Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computer,alt.religion.computers
-Subject: Welcome to GNUEmacs
-Date: 27 Jan 92 04:19:54 GMT
-Organization: University of Toronto Computer Services Advisor
-
-Welcome to GNU Emacs (Hacked up by Jamie Mason to the tune
--------------------- "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n' Roses)
-
-
-<Heavy guitar intro, "Oh my GOD!" spoken in the background...>
-
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-We've got fun'n'games
-We got evrything you want
-If you just know the names
-We are people that define
-Whatever you may need.
-If you've got the mem'ry, honey
-We got your disease
-
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Watch it bring your system to its knees.
-I, I wanna fill yer disk
-
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-We malloc() K by K
-If you want it you're gonna thrash
-But it's the price you pay
-And it's a very fast machine
-With sixty megs of core
-It used to handle lotsa users
-But can't do it anymore
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Won't you feed my... my... my... my... mem'ry need?
-I wanna hear you thrash!
-
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-It gets bigger ev'ry day
-You learn to fill all the disk packs
-On the system where we play
-And if you've got some swap that we can see
-We'll brk() it eventually
-You can allocate anything you want
-But you'd better not take it from me
-
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Watch it bring your system to its knees
-I'm gonna fill yer disk
-
-When you're up
-You never ever wanna shut down, shutdown, shutdown, SHUTDOWN!
-YEAH!
-
-You know where you are?
-You in GNU Emacs, baby.
-Yer system's gonna DIE!
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Watch it bring your system to its knees
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Won't you feed my... my... my... my... mem'ry need?
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Watch it bring your system to its knees
-In GNU Emacs
-Welcome to GNU Emacs
-Watch it bring your system...
-It's gonna bring it down!
-HA!
-
Index: wolf-logo
===================================================================
RCS file: wolf-logo
diff -N wolf-logo
--- wolf-logo 13 Feb 2001 01:22:26 -0000 1.1
+++ /dev/null 1 Jan 1970 00:00:00 -0000
@@ -1,45 +0,0 @@
-From: address@hidden (Miles ONeal)
-Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,gnu.misc.discuss
-Subject: gnu.gnannougnce
-Keywords: ask Data
-Date: 25 Aug 90 05:11:00 GMT
-Followup-To: talk.bizarre.nice
-Distribution: world,fnord
-Organization: Roadkills-R-Us
-
-Peter da Silva decides:
-
-
-|I hereby place the wolf logo (`-_-') and derivitives into the public domain.
-| 'U`
-
-I predict:
-
-a) A large corporation will scarf it up, repackage it and sell it
- for a tidy sum, threatening to loose the SS on Peter if he uses
- it again.
-
-b) The FSF will begin work at once on a version for the gnu project
-
-c) Microsoft, Apple and Lotus will claim it is too close to their
- trademarked logos, and file a joint suit against hackercorp,
- the DoD, Electronic Arts, and Iraq.
-
-d) Thousands of hours will be spent debating, over the net, whether
- this is (1) constitutional, (2) moral, (3) fattening, (4) the
- end of the net as we know it[1], and (5) a good reason to not allow
- logos to be trademarked at all.
-
-e) Someone will suggest the only legitimate way of making money off
- of logos is by servicing them - but logo refurbishing companies
- will not spring up overnight.
-
-f) Peter will turn down an interview with Oprah, but accept the one
- with Geraldo, if he gets to keep an extra chair handy.
-
- \ /
----=*miles*=---
-
-NOTES
-[1] Not less than 4, and not more than 12, new groups will be created
- as a direct result of this.
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